H made it clear that things were different because he was no longer available to me. We talked about kids and stuff and he was nice but that was it. It was completely different. (Almost like HE was reading DB and on the site) Prior to that he had always made it clear that he wanted to work things out. I would contact OM, he would get upset but then he was always back and wanting to work on the M. I never really wanted a D, I was alone in our M for years and made poor choices to fill the loneliness but I didn't want a D - until I met OM. But I would waiver whenever H would try to work things out. I was so mad that he even wanted to because he was ruining my happiness (or so I thought at the time). You are in a tough position because you want to be available for D, if you two were to be divorced, you want the best situation possible to be there for D and show her an amicable separation, however you don't want to be too available. One thing stuck out to me, when she invited you to dinner and you didn't go you told her you had too much work, etc. Don't do that. When you decline, just decline. Be friendly, kind and supportive but don't be there too much emotionally for her. She has to feel the difference in the relationship. I also know that you can't read into anything but I have to say that I NEVER left my phone face up, away from me, etc. when I was having an A. When it was over and there was zero contact, I would intentionally leave it face up or lying around as a way of letting my H know that I had nothing to hide. Your W is in between dating and she may be checking to see if she has completely lost you but it also doesn't mean that she is ready to make the choice to come back. You do not want her to think you will always be there for her when SHE decides she wants the M. So remember, be kind, be nice but let her know you are 'moving on' in subtle ways. Make your hugs more 'brotherly' (and only when she initiates), not too close to her or long. Don't give explanations when you decline an invitation. Go to the graduation and let her know you are proud of her but in a 'friend way'.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Cheesyt, how's it going in your neck of the woods?
Lovethehub, your situation sounds similar to mine. Did your H come right out and tell you he was unavailable to you, or did he just show it through his actions?
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
update, -Friday I saw W, she picked up D from soccer practice. I asked W to meet me because I had a gal activity. W asked if I had to work, I said no but I have plans, W just said ok.
Saturday- I came "home" for the weekend. not sure what "home" is though...this isn't it. I came to visit family. They're a crazy bunch not good for my mental and emotional state. Very negative people, attitudes, rude, condescending...definitely someone I was turning into / was for a couple of years. Hard to be here, first time here in 5 years that I am without W or D, always brought one of them. As soon as I got here I got some amazing news from my sister, that I really wanted to call W to tell. (1 because she's MY person and 2 because she would be so exited) refrained. texted a friend instead. It set the tone for my weekend though, missing wife terribly. I'm anxious, nervous, just not good over all. My Cousin who's a year older than myself met me here. (I asked her to a few weeks ago, she too is going through a separation) Had an interesting conversation with C (cousin) It's tearing me up inside. I guess W and C talked around January...C said W said, I was controlling (which I was) and that I didn't "fight" fair. Once well in the beginning of our R (while still dating) I believe I grabbed her by the hand so she wouldn't leave and apparently that's me getting "violent" (for the record, I have never "hit" or "laid a hand" on her as people refer to. Or D for that matter. Just the thought that my W and C use that word to describe me makes me cringe) and as my C said, W said "always" I told C that W, as well as me, and I'm sure everyone else in the world exaggerates. A tendency W has is that, if something happens once that she doesn't agree with or doesn't like it automatically turns into "always" or "frequently". C said W was "miserable" C asked W why W wouldn't leave, W said because she couldn't...wtf. I didn't know what to say and I don't know what to think. W said she felt like she couldn't leave me. (yet when W asked me to move out, I obliged. Also W used to have a tendency of breaking up with me and Kicking me out, every time I would leave for a few hrs and W would call me back. This also goes with what I've posted a few times, W has a big tendency to say hurtful and mean things when upset / mad that she does not mean and takes back afterward) C asked if W was a cutter. (w told c. W was a cutter when she was young, not sure what age but outgrew it around 15/16) I told C yes, W in fact was a cutter, she's got a lot of little scars. The cutting thing C said- made her skeptical of what W said. C thinks that because W never saw an IC and growing up in foster care and being a cutter W's got some mental and emotional issues she's not worked through. I agreed. I made sure not to bad mouth my W. I told C that W's had it rough. I also made sure to ask C, what W thinks her mistakes were...there was a lot of finger pointing at me of course. C said W responded with her mistake was not standing up for herself more and not making her voice heard on how to raise D. That's fair, however certainly noted W has no faults in this marriage, other than that. I'm just so sad. I feel so terrible. after hearing this I really believe W and I have no future. I feel like calling her and apologizing. I could've certainly been a better spouse and parent. I know she contributed but I wish I could've just "gotten it" without her, in time. As I feel I "get" it now, certainly without her. I miss her, I want my W back. I'm aware our old marriage is no longer, but again after hearing this form january I truly feel we have no future. I feel so down and hurt. C told me I am different this time, she said she can see how I'm not very negative anymore. I'm making positive changed. C said I seem "nicer". That was certainly nice to hear.
Met up with an old friend...someone I thought I loved many years ago.(before I met w) We had a fall out because of me. I'm surprised she wanted to meet up. Had not seen her or really spoken to her in 2plus years. FA (friend A) did not hold back. FA asked "what happened to you" (this is the same thing W asks all the time, what happened to the sweet kind loving person I was) that certainly hit home. I told FA I didn't know. I got lost. It finally clicked when I saw my father in me. He's not a terrible person but he certainly was not a good one either. I could see myself turning into him. FA wanted to know who else I had pushed away. I told her just about everyone. FA was not surprised. FA gave me a spiel about how we must be careful because there's people that truly care for us and we push and push and finally the exit our lives. FA took a few other "jabs" at me, along with telling me last time we spoke I behaved badly and was rude, a jerk, and couldn't get a handle on my emotions. I validated a lot. I seem to validate people more. I'm working on listening well and validating apparently everyone. After about an hour of talking and FA being somewhat stand-of-ish and distant, FA warmed up. We had normal conversation, talked about family, work, school, friends, shared pictures of family and even laughed a little. It was rather nice. I thanked FA for meeting me, we shared a hug and we went on our way.
It was nice to see family. This isn't home. I'm struggling to find a home. and to feel at home. I don't know I'll find that answer anytime soon. Home is where your heart is, mine is with W. Sister told me it was nice to see me, Mom did too, they both said I should visit more often. This visit I was able to handle my self significantly better. I did not get angry, No one had an argument with me. I'm glad I came but I like my breaks. These 3 days were more than enough. They were extremely hard as I miss W terribly, yet I put on my brave single confident face.
I don't know how tomorrow will be. I have to catch an early flight. I will pick D up for soccer. I have not spoken to W. Not temp checks. Tomorrow I go back to this life I live now. Tomorrow I must get up and live one more day without my W and daughter. Tomorrow I will put on a smile and get through my day, not by choice. Tomorrow I will try to be thankful for all I have. Today...today I miss my w and wish I could call her.
Hang in there Cheesyt....adjusting is difficult but keep living and GALing for you! Don't worry about her, she needs to do whatever it is she is doing....
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Hang in there Cheesyt....adjusting is difficult but keep living and GALing for you! Don't worry about her, she needs to do whatever it is she is doing....
^^^^ this.
Keep doing you and don't worry about her. This is her journey or whatever. lol Hang in there
W:32 M:26 T:5 yrs M: 3 yr BD: JUN 2016 W Moved out: early JUL 2016 W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016 EA: 06/16? PA: 07/16 Moved in w/ ow: 07/16 D final: 10/16
It went well. Avoided Weekend talk. D did mention her and W went to the halloween store I had asked D to wait and we could all go. Didn't happen...I keep thinking, W has to feel the loss, how in the heck is that going to happen? I feel the loss, I feel the loss every day!!!! That was just a minor example. anyway, I waited for her soccer to be over W texted asking If she could go grocery shopping for dinner instead of coming to practice / picking up D. I said yes. with hope's that whole making dinner text meant I would get invited. Then W texted again asking about ingredients to one of my favorite chicken salad meals. (my families recipe) Thought for sure W is going to invite me for dinner. Got home, asked D to bring up her homework. W was in kitchen making dinner. D is in 5th grade. They are doing reviews of last year and they have a sheet with either multiplication or division and the parent is to set a timer and just ask them the facts. D is behind, in my opinion. I was extremely frustrated. I would ask her a multiplication or division problem and she counts on her fingers...this is review. multiplication was for sure on last years homework why are we taking 30plus seconds to answer 3*6? I don't get it. At one point D said "well I don't know this" in a whinny a$$ voice (that she NEVER uses with me) and I said "i don't know what to tell you because it's on your homework and I don't know why the teacher would put it on here..." W finally interjected. thank god, because I was close losing my [censored]. (the old me would've been pissed and not let W handle it, Proud moment, I smiled, but had my back to w so she didn't notice) don't remember what she said but we moved on and she finally answered the problem correctly. Still, no dinner invite. I cleaned the litter, (had not been cleaned since I last did it, even though W said she'd been on it..psh) I said bye to D told her to enjoy whatever she was having for dinner, D said she's having pizza...again frustrated that I always fed her crap and W didn't want that. (that kid eats more crap now than ever, I at least cooked, W does not want to cook everyday) I just played it off, and waved from the door to W, said bye and left. Dinner invite never came. I was slightly frustrated but glad to get out of there. about 30 min later i get a text. W- everything ok? I waited till late at night cus I was busy!!!! (was not but she doesn't need to know that) Me- yes why? 5am this morning w replied with W- just wondering. the food (my dish) is in the fridge if you want to feed D. I should be home around 5.30. please text me when you pick her up.
again with dinner and dish...(W knows I do not feed D until I bring her home for dinner which is at 6pm) My friend thinks w wanted me to ask to stay for dinner yesterday or assume or something. I thought W asked me to move out, so if she wants me to stay for dinner she needs to ask. I am not a mind reader.
The "everything ok" text -total temp check. It does make me feel good that W sat and thought about me / our lack of interaction. So much that she thought to text me and that something was wrong. I pick D up today, going to go get our pottery we painted on friday. then the park for pokemon hunting then home for homework and then dinner. W will be home by the time we come home, hoping to have a similar interaction, as I feel way better when we do not interact much (feels weird / sad typing that) Interacting with her and hugging is no good for me. gets my emotions in a bunch. good busy day so far. nice weather.
I feel way better when we do not interact much (feels weird / sad typing that) Interacting with her and hugging is no good for me. gets my emotions in a bunch. good busy day so far. nice weather.
^^^all of this. I feel much better when I haven't talked to my W in a few days. I can't keep up with her emotional rollercoaster ride and it's easier when I just don't have to interact with her.
Sounds overall like you're doing pretty well! Get it girl! lol
W:32 M:26 T:5 yrs M: 3 yr BD: JUN 2016 W Moved out: early JUL 2016 W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016 EA: 06/16? PA: 07/16 Moved in w/ ow: 07/16 D final: 10/16
