The Fight for Self

[CT1118]

Here is my old thread, got asked to begin a new one...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=11&page=1

I'm sure I will pick up where I left off at some point and begin sharing updates on my sitch again. Just a brief review for now. My signature sums up the quick details. To summarize thus far: like many of you, I share a similar story... WW, young child, separated, WW in an A, two BD's,got tired of the lies, trying my best each day to balance and be the best in me. I found out in early July WW had not ended the A (as I was led to think), I joined this site, I read the DR/DB books, I began to DIM, I realized that WW lying about the A was one of my boundaries, I realized my WW is very symptomatic of MLC, I did a 2nd BD,took 3 days after 2nd BD and WW called me crying/apologizing, I finally wrote down my goals (after prompting from a number of you), I am getting pulse checks regularly, Here I am.

I called this thread the "Fight for Self" for two reasons: 1. So many of you have supported me in my efforts and generally offered accolades for my GAL's (not always for my techniques on the 180, which I understand the 2x4's are swung with loving kindness). 2. From all of my reading and introspection, I have come to believe that all of this work we do here - at it's core - is truly a fight for the self. This is our journey. We may support one another here, may get support from others, may report to an IC, etc, but what it comes down to is that everything about MWD's message and almost any readings you will find, is that this is the hardest issue we will ever face and that it is a choice we make for ourselves. However, if we choose the fight for self and really fight, we will find that no matter what happens, we will come out better, stronger, and with more to offer this world and others than we ever realized was possible. IMO, you newbies (I am still new, but something changed in my confused messy head) would do well to understand that sooner than later.

Allow me to be clear, and my S w/ my WW aside, I am in a better place for myself, right now. This does not mean I am in a good place, nor does it mean I won't backslide, get angry again, etc., etc. No, it means what it says, I am in a significantly better place. If it helps anyone, some of what I did to get here was instinctual and some of it was through education. Here are what I think the most helpful points of my journey thus far have been (all part of GAL and healing - some of this is a repeat to what you may know):

What I had to Accept:
- I cannot control my WW's actions, only my own
- My WW is not my W, my WW is confused, selfish, and hurting right now - this is not dissimilar to drug addict behavior or adolescence. Accepting this is not accepting WW's actions, but accepting that I now understand what is happening.
- My WW is in a PA or was or whatever. This involves someone else having sx w/ her. Adults have sx and this is not my problem, my primary problem was the lies. It took some time to realize that. I had to accept it was on me to stop envisioning things beyond my control.
- I to acknowledge the part I played in neglecting my M. I was a contributor, but not the cause.
- I had to change my strategy because to old ones were not getting me anywhere.
- Emotions go through stages, mine & hers. These stages are natural.
- I had to envision a different future which may not include my W as my W.
- I had to accept that it was not just WW who needed space, I did too. This is something I can control.

What I did to begin healing:
- Accept the above
- I had to get educated about everything I could stand regarding my sitch, self-improvement, MLC, A's, modern marriage, you name it. Get educated.
- Not only establish my boundaries, but enforce them once I did.
- Acknowledge what was needed to be worked on inside myself.
- Stop worrying what my WW was doing and focus on myself
- Not just think of goals/strategies/indicators, but actually write them down along with an action plan and then work the plan
- Make a definitive distinction that if I go down this road it is for me and for me alone.
- Make a decision that I will do my very best to not become angry at things beyond my control, the past or the present.
- I had to forgive myself for past actions, recent or otherwise.
- I had to begin the path to forgive my WW, even when this felt like the most difficult thing in the world. I refuse to go through life angry at what happened and the only way to avoid that is through forgiveness.
- I had to seek professional IC for my own matters.
- I had to become the person I always wanted to be and somehow quit trying to be. I had to regain a vision of myself, regain a personal mission, and I had to do this all for me.
- I made a decision to view my sitch as a gift, not one that was welcome, but one that was needed. The gift being, I could have chosen violence, I could have chosen passivity, I could have chosen to remain as I was; instead, I have chosen to improve the self, and this has made all the difference in the world.
- I had to GAL.

How I GAL:
- I sought a support group, I landed here and am happy about that.
- I focus upon being a better father to my S4 and truly accepting/enjoying the time I have with him.
- I exercise 6 days a week and use different approaches. I am still at the point where doing this exhausts my body so that it does not matter where my mind is,i.e create a reason to sleep.
- I eat better and learn about that.
- I attend IC meetings 3x a month.
- I try to be present at work (yeah, this slips sometimes) and do the best I can each day.
- I began writing semi-professionally again.
- I do volunteer work.
- I took up a new hobby that is positive (learning how to rock climb).
- I keep a journal
- I play my instruments (guitar/bass)
- I dress better and take care of my appearance (you'd be surprised how much you let yourself go during the M)
- I walk my dog
- I challenge myself to meet new people, project a positive attitude, and to welcome conversations as opposed to avoiding them.

So the above are what I have done/am doing. Not sure if it helps, not sure if it is 100% copacetic with the program, but it works for me. I am sure I left some things out - I was trying to empty my head as best I could. Maybe reading this could help a newbie or someone who has been here for a bit. Maybe it was just cathartic for me to write (as most of what I write here is). Anyway, thanks for the support thus far and...I'm still in the fight - and the fight is for me to be a better me.

[CT1118]

Some questions I found valuable during this time period:

What would happen if you accepted yourself for all your flaws, all your talents, as you are?

Who do you need to forgive in your life?

Do you understand that the quality of your life is in direct relation to the depth and authenticity of you forgiveness?

Does a path towards healing begin by forgiving yourself?

What is it I am not willing to let go of and how is this hurting me and those around me?

Can I accept that forgiveness is not about letting the other person win, but it is about my own personal freedom?

What attachments do I have and are they the things that are part of what I really want?

What action am I taking, not tomorrow, but today, what are my actions for achieving what I really want?

What is my gift, I.e. What are my talents?

If I am not living a life which allows me to share my gifts, what is stopping me from being my gift?

If someone took away all of my possessions, what would I be left with? Would I look towards my relationships, my health, and my talents or would I be mired in self-pity, depression, and negative thought?

Why am I always trying to get somewhere? Somewhere at my job, somewhere in a relationship, somewhere I can be happy - do I stop and realize I may already have found where I am trying to get.

Have I realized that if I truly believe all will be well for me in the end that I can have peace?

Have I realized that if I am not well that this is not the end?

So I am no yogi, I am not religious, I do not meditate. And, I am not well yet, but I do realize I am not at the end. Anyway, I still have much work to do, but I found most of these to be very valuable questions that I found searching around places looking for anything to hang on to. I am not sure they will assist in making the WW or WH come home, but they may help you achieve that goal of improving you.

[CT1118]

Oops, forgot my trading for a moment - those are not questions I created. Not trying to take credit. However, I did not document sources, just wrote them down, so......

[CT1118]

Today has been a tough one. Don't know why, just where I am at mentally – pouring rain outside might contribute – really screws up my attention. Have to remind myself of things about me and the positive changes I have made for me and my better R with S (had him last night and it was really great).

I have noticed the reasons I believe I am dealing with an MLC.

MLC stressors/behaviors:
- history of PA/EA abuse growing up
- moved across country (to be w/ me) and did not make good friends here
- just turned 40
- has complained about loosing looks, feeling unattractive
- has changed jobs 3 x since 2014 (same profession)
- is two years shy of age when mother died
- in past year had 2 BF's die suddenly in past 2 years and found out father was very ill (he did recover recently)and felt helpless being so far away
- began an A w/ a co-worker 9 years younger and claimed she did so because he could be controlled
- stated (a vast number of times) that she uses A to make her feel bad an reinforce to herself she is a horrible person
- has continually expressed that she does not feel accomplished in life
- has admitted to sabotaging her life and relationships without knowing why or feeling in control of her actions
- binges between food, alcohol, and exercise
- spends money excessively knowing that she does not have it
- has complained that changes happened so fast she felt lost and without direction
- has admitted to being unwilling to face past issues and/or try to resolve them at this time
- has asked me to date others so that it would lessen her guilt
- has admitted a fear of becoming her mother if she keeps trying to remain in a committed family life
- has admitted to having nightmares about the fact that S4 was two months premature and barely made it through (S4 is fine now and perfectly healthy - has been for years
- has admitted to having nightmares about all of the pain and hurt she has brought to me and still cannot stop her actions
- has alienated her immediate family and some friends, with whom she used to be very close, from all of the above

So, all of the above fit into the MLC paradigm from what I have read. Here is what I have not heard which is on the usual list of MLC items

- Never heard ILBNILWY
- Never claimed A was about anything more than what I wrote above
- Has not abandoned or ignored S4 since the S, in fact I would say WW has improved her game as a mother
- has never introduced AP to friends, family, or S4 (which is a very distinct boundary for me that I have made clear)
- Brought up D during the initial S month, but not since
- has never verbally chastised me, belittled me, or made any attempt to blame anything she is doing on me (did acknowledge the damage we did to each other and my role in the breakdown of the M once I identified and apologized for my part, but she has not made this a focus when we used to discuss the M)

Other than that, pretty much is - still a WW, still S, still not ending the A (I only asked once and that was 1st BD), still showing addiction and adolescent behavior, still pulse checking, still trying to eat cake but realizing that does not get very far these days, etc. I am hoping to offer a fuller description of myself and deepen my understanding of not only my sitch, but of myself with this new thread.

As someone told me here not long ago, I do not have to worry about getting through tomorrow, I have to get through today.

[ForGump]

MLC stressors/behaviors:
- history of PA/EA abuse growing up

Can you explain this one? Are you saying as a child she was the victim of a physical or emotional sexual abuse?

Ride on,

[CT1118]

WOW - nice catch, it did not occur to me how easily toses abbreviations could be mixed up here since we use them differently. So yes physical abuse and emotional abuse as a child; she was and I was as well in a very similar manner, was one of our early connections when we first met as teenagers.

[ForGump]

Thanks for that list. My W is also scarred from some events in her childhood. Along w/ many of the other factors you list. So it makes me think MLC might be a strong component of what's going on w/ her. MLC + wayward. I think someone could be both...?

[CT1118]

Thanks for that list. My W is also scarred from some events in her childhood. Along w/ many of the other factors you list. So it makes me think MLC might be a strong component of what's going on w/ her. MLC + wayward. I think someone could be both...?

Man, I wish I could answer that. I am not sure, but I do think one begets the other and I think the MLC is in the lead. I should have included: - narcissistic low self-esteem, impulsive to my list. These are also indicators I have seen, but I guess I could do that all day. Anyway, if you suspect the odds lie in the MLC direction there appears to be some real shtty news, it takes a lot longer for someone to process this than just a "my marriage is horrible and this guy makes me feel alive" type of affair. The WW must come out of it on their own - not that that part is different, but from what I have read the MLC is a true mental crisis (please do you own research, I am no doctor). It is a battle for the self and moves in stages, not unlike our responses to the situation and our own battle for the self.

[CT1118]

I am feeling better at this point in the day, which is a good thing. I had a busy day at work and that was most helpful. S is with WW tonight and that is fine, he wanted to see her pretty badly and I am actually happy for both of them that they love one another and enjoy their time.

So here is what I had to accept as my part in the M. It was important to me to acknowledge so that I could forgive myself (lack of forgiveness = resentment MWD pg. 231 in DB, I have already stated I am unwilling to live that way - see above posts). And even before I read MWD or came here, I did apologize for all of these to my WW at some point (once after reading MWD): I did some at the first BD, some about 2 months into S, and some of it when I did the 2nd bomb drop. I did so each time in a way that left my dignity intact. I said it without tears, begging, or with motives to "win" WW back. I told her just the the things I was sorry for and not how I am changing or have changed, which I know she must see for herself ( a pretty important distinction if you take this path at some point)I said it because I meant it and most importantly it was a piece I truly felt I needed to do so that I could heal - for me, I am not sure I could have forgiven myself and begun moving forward without. Lastly, my approach was deliberate and may not be for everyone, but if there is one thing I have learned so far - if you do not try find your own health and happiness in all this you really are lost in my opinion. And please reflect on the question in an above post - Can I accept that forgiveness is not about letting the other person win, but it is about my own personal freedom?

The things I was sorry for (all not my direct fault, but I have a choice now and have fixed or am working on them):
- First and foremost, I was a drug addict (Rx Oxy) and I hid my drugs from W for almost two years. I did not ever mean to become addicted, but I did, I knew it, and I kept going. I also abused alcohol when the drugs were unavailable. - clean from the Oxy for a little over 6 months now. Still have social drinks, but set limit at 3 and have held to that, honestly appeal is wearing off and am loosing desire for going even that far.
- I am painfully introverted. This is not my fault, but because I could not make the world make sense to me, I criticized the world, which made most of my daily observations quite negative - this I knew and made no effort to challenge or change and that was my fault. I challenge myself to remain positive and speak with strangers about anything daily now.
- I have had a life long struggle to learn and pay attention which resulted in very quick aggression because I was often confused. Throw in the introversion and it is a recipe for R disaster. I always thought I was naturally angry, but after 4 months with an IC and a GP was told I have type 2 Inattentive ADHD. Suddenly many things in my life made sense when I began reading about it. Having ADHD and being in denial of it made me 60% more likely to end up with a spouse walking out on me. Factor in the statistics that I am in a 2nd M and so is my WW - we were (are?) facing a major challenge. It is not my fault I have a learning disability which I did not know was one, but now I have a choice and I go to an IC 2-3 x a month and am temporarily on stabilizing medication. (Imagine 60 radios in your head all at different volumes and on different stations - the medication turns 59 of them off).
- I deliberately ignored my WW (at the time my W) when she would ask me to listen, help her with something, or speak to her. I had my own agenda and wanted to proceed with that. Acknowledged, I fked that part up.
- I never asked her opinion on big decisions, just insisted my opinion was the right one. No argument, I did that, I know I did it.
- I quit being romantic, spontaneous, and fun. From what I read, this happens to men and women in M's, but throw in a drug addiction that makes you enter a coma a few times a day - yup, did it.
- After the S began and I knew WW was in an A, I thought what was good for the goose...yeah, I started sleeping with someone and it was a mess and I did not feel better for it like I hoped I would. This is the only one I did not apologize for to my WW. I started to and she did not want to hear it so I stopped. Instead I apologized to the woman I slept with, even though I was openly honest from the start that she had no future with me. Whatever helps you sleep at night right? No, I was wrong, i messed this part up. Flawed character or pain - little excuse either way.
- I ignored my S. I did. Not to the point that he starved or I beat him or anything. I was just lethargic and showed little interest. As could be imagined, this one still haunts me. I do not try to make up for it, nor excuse it, I am just a better person than I was and I believe S feels it, I know I do. S is my favorite thing in this life and I promise (to myself) that I will never loose track of that again.

What did WW and I do to each other - only two major things...
1. we lied and hid things from each other which caused a downward spiral of deception and secrets.
2. we forgot how or deliberately did not communicate with each other. as we withdrew further into ourselves, the partnership required to be in an M, to be in an R, and to be in L went down with it.

As I said before, I will return to the daily of my sitch at some point with my thread. There are many questions I still have at a daily level that I need advice/help with. But I feel compelled to be open to all of the non-existential items I have offered above. Maybe its too much information, or maybe you don't have time to read it all. I hope my story has something for those take all of it or some of it. Regardless, it makes me feel better to air all this out. Best we don't go so deep with family or friends - they will always take one side or the other - here it is unbiased support, and that is the best part.

[CT1118]

Here are some facts I found on A's - MLC or not.

- a majority of couples survive the A rather than going on to D.

- a majority of couples who do survive an A state that their M is "stronger and more committed" as a result.

- women having A's have been increasing since the 1970's and are coming closer to men in their statistical likelihood.

- Infidelity is always a choice


- Monogamy is not a universal concept accepted by all cultures and even more unique in the animal kingdom.

- The effect of an A can be negative, neutral, or positive to all parties involved.

- Jealousy is both biological and socially constructed.

- Most individuals who begin an A will not be able to take the AP relationship beyond the initial first phase of a relationship.

- Over 50% of A last less than 1 year, over 40% last less than 2 years, and the remaining 10% last less than one year or greater than 2.

- If an M is without honest communication that is ongoing the likelihood of an A increases.

- Over 1/3 or 1 in every 2.7 couples will experience an affair. The number is high enough to qualify A's as normal events in one's life.

- No couple can fully understand an A by solely looking at their R. The contributors extend into the biological, psychological, and sociological.

- Narcissistic individuals are more prone to engaging in an A.

- People who begin A's tend to rationalize their behavior and will either ignore, deny, or appear to not care about the negative consequences.

- Research shows that the wayward spouse is capable of loving the LBS while maintaining a romantic attachment to someone else.

- Most A's begun by women take place in the first few years of M if they feel dissatisfaction with themselves, their lives, and the M.

- Polls show that 90% of M couples disapprove of affairs, yet over 1/3 of them will still participate in one.

- Having children increases the likelihood of an A.

So again, these came from different places. Don't have to agree or disagree. Just putting the information out there for consumption.