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DonH Offline OP
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It's hard to believe that it's been over 10 years. Wow, where does the time go? The board looks exactly the same although near all of the names are the different. Sadly, the stories that they tell are very much the same.

You can read about my story by clicking to my previous threads or seeing the one below. I'd be amazed if anyone is still here from when I went through everything ten years ago. For those of you who were not, I'll provide some info:

Like many of you, I was shocked when the bomb was dropped. I knew we were in a slump but had no clue my wife was soon to walkaway. After about six months of suspicions, many of which were much clearer in hindsight, my soon-to-be WAW came home on a Monday and said "I'm finally ready to talk." My response was "Great!" Her's I'll never forget - "You're not going to like it." Within two hours she was gone and never slept in this house again. DBing didn't save my marriage but it quite possibly did save me. I still am friends with a few fellow DB'rs from back then - at least Facebook friends. I did everything I could. In the end, even WAW said she could not ask any more of me. Still, she filed about 10 years ago and come this October we'll have been divorced for 10 years.

How has my life been since? I really hate to tell all of this but in many ways it has sucked. In fact, that is somewhat why I've found myself back here again. It's really gotten rough for me.

I have not had a serious relationship since - not in 10 years. I've dated some. I've been trying much harder the past three years and almost with I would not have. It's clearly a different world. I've always been GREAT at being by myself. I actually have enjoyed doing things myself - always have. Sadly, even now, that is no fun anymore. I liken it to eating steak or ice cream everyday. It's going to get old. I went to an annual event yesterday than in years gone by I'd have much preferred I go by myself. This time I hated it.

I didn't date much if at all for over 2 years post divorce - which would be three years total since BD. When I left off here back in 2008 I had met someone and started dating her. That lasted about six months. I found out a few years ago she had died of an overdose - suspected intentionally but ruled an accident. I was shocked to learn she left behind a HUSBAND. I was the other man - and had no clue.

I ran into some personal struggles at the end of 2009. I lost my six figure job and had to face what has now become an epidemic in America - opiate addiction. That is a separate story in itself but I am very proud to say I'm clean for over 6.5 years without a single slip.

After reconnecting with a girlfriend from nearly 25 years ago in 2012, we dated for about 8 months until she decided to re-marry her ex husband. At least this time I was not the other man although I was likely the man that saved her marriage. With three kids and a 18 year marriage, I quickly stepped aside.

I've tried meeting someone since with terrible results. They say there are more single people in the USA than ever before. At least in my experience, women will only date someone they fall head over heals in love with on the first date or two. If not, they are not interested. Even more don't want to date at all and have not for years. My last six dates or prospects have been in this category. Most divorced, one widowded. Nearly all have not dated in years. These are very smart often beautifull women. The first has not been on a date in five years. She is now 48. The second is 42, divorced 8 years and last date was in early 2013. The second is 43 and has not had a boyfriend in 4 years. A few dates here and there. The lastest is divorced 10 years. We went out once, she said "absolutely" when I asked about a second. That was nearly 2 months ago. Sadly by far the best of the bunch was widowed over four years ago. I think we would at least be dating on a regular basis if she didn't live 10 hours and 4 states away. Oddly I had told a friend that I thought a widow was my last chance as they would still be married if given the choice. That is clearly the case with this lady.

I've so lost hope. Life is all about balance. I still don't want to ever marry again. That has not changed but I also don't want to live the rest of my life alone. I don't want to go on vacations alone. I so miss physical touch. I might be able to live without the sex but so miss holding hands, cuddling, kissing.

My WAW is still married to the guy she had the affair with on me. So much for statistics saying it would not work! I know so much more about what happened there but what does it matter at this point.

I've come back here hoping that, like when the bomb had dropped, this place might play a roll in getting me back on track. I already know the drill - get a life, get out there, blah, blah, blah. Thing is, I've done that. In order to not make this intro longer than it already is, I'll save more for later. It's just amazing how things have changed - how people cancel on you. How even on dating sites, so many won't follow through, won't show up, are not who they say. Just had another one say "I like your profile. I'm interested, tell me more." Only to then say, I'm looking for someone closer (um I didn't move) and I"m talking to a few others so best of luck to you." Um what??????? Why not say that right away?

I really am stopping now. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Don


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Don, I have no advice on dating, I haven't been at it that long, and my longest relationship post-D was five months. But I wanted to say congratulations on your 6.5 clean years, that's something to be proud of, no matter what else happens in your life.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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I was thinking the same thing regarding the 6.5 years of being clean!

As for dating - I did it for about 4 years - mostly via online dating apps since I didn't have the luxury of time meeting potential mates the old fashioned way. I had my share of both positive and negative experiences most of them detailed through posts on this website. Along the way, I would take a break when I got to frustrated with many of the things you complain about - lack of response or follow thru. However through perseverance I finally struck gold a little over 2 years ago and had my last first date. We are engaged to get married next year and I couldn't be happier. So given that I guess my advice is to enjoy the experience and recognize that there will be bumps in the road but that sooner or later the right one will come along.

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Don

5.5 years clean brilliant achievement.

You do sound a little in the dumps. Sweetheart, I am 62 and had one date.

You only need one super duper date who likes you and that you like. Only one, not lots and lots.

For men it's a numbers game I think, it's about going to target rich environments.

Are you the best you can be? Healthy, great weight, solvent?

Where are you searching for your dates?

Have you done meetups? Dancing?

Things that women like and places they go to?

Want a drinker, clumber then go to clubs, but that's not going to get you quality girlfriend material.

I met WH when I was 58, ok so bad example maybe.

What do you like to DO? What excites you in your life? Have you gone on singles holidays? Have you volunteered?

Do you chat to people easily?

I expect to have a third age lover or two, absolutely I do. Possibly another H in the wings. If a woman isn't ready to date you she is doing you a big favour saying no.

What is your wish list in a mate? Two legs and lady bits isn't enough. Heck if waywards can creep up on the unattached and pull so can you.

Do you have a wing man or woman?

Your dating skills may need honing a little. Try googling superdate and superflirt. Can you read attraction signals? Do you seduce, how is your big beaming smile. There are dating coaches who will help you and I don't mean slimy pulling ones that play games.

There are amazing beautiful women withat loving hearts wanting the same. The trick is to find those and not the others. Heck there are lovely ladies just waiting for you to ask.

You do seem very down and I guess your xWW still being in her scummy R isn't helping you. Wish her well be pleased for her, have you detached, when you are dating is xWW your preoccupation?

It might be from the hints you have given the choice of woman that attracts you. If you keep doing that which you have always done you may keep getting the same result.

It may be that you need to search deeper into your soul.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi Don, sorry to read your post above. One thing I would say is, it could be an idea to suspend the dating profile, take a month to reflect & make plans, then try something different. It sounds as though dating & meeting someone is quite central for you. Well, maybe put it on the back burner & do some other stuff you enjoy.

Or maybe think about an activity where you can interact with others in a low pressure environment. I go to a salsa class - very friendly and mostly divorced guys and gals. What floats your boat??

Also, I find the Shawn Achor TED talk on happiness helpful. How about following his plan for a few weeks for a bit of a reset?

Sometimes if it isn't working for us, we need to chuck it all up in the air and have a re-think..and that's fine - it's your life & you get to choose how you spend it smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thanks for the responses so far! I am already wishing I would have come back here sooner - and honestly I'm smarter than not figuring it out sooner. But, I did now, so again thank you and please keep it coming. I'm also posting on a few other threads.

So, let me hopefully help some of you to help me with a bit more information and to try to answer some of what's been said so far. I'll give you a dozen:

1. Yes, I glossed over it but I should really be boasting a bit more about the opiate addiction. The odds were totally against me in that as nearly 90% relapse within the first year. That really is the stats. It's crazy. Thankfully, I've never had drug issues of any kind prior to this, rarely drank, never even tried a single cigarette let alone pot or more. Had I not had adult tonsil surgery and then later kidney stones, I have no doubt I'd never have had this happen. It was just the luck of the draw and I have the disease. Thankfully, I continue to see great success keeping it at bay. Thing is, how many women shy away because of this history????

2. That success also goes with my life. In all I really have had great success and a great life. Relationships are one of my few true fails. In some ways my life success makes me a great catch. I'm well educated, rather smart, own my own business, private pilot, set for life financially, semi-retired since 48 - I work about 30 hours a week by choice but could drop that to 10 hours a week for years if I wanted to, say, travel with the right person. No debt, and, well, financially set for life. So many friends say what a catch I am. Um, okay, so what's the problem - I intimate women away?

3. I'm rather picky. I won't settle. That's both good and bad. Just in general, I'm not good at meeting people. I'm both extroverted and introverted. I have done and still do a little radio. You'd never guess the outgoing guy on the radio is me in person. I'm also in multiple bands performing about 90 gigs a year on stage in front of as few as 50 and as many as 2,500 people. Still, I'm not a people person. I am not good at small talk with people I don't find interesting. That amounts to about 50%. Sadly it does - 50% of people I'd rather get a root canal than have a conversation with. Another 40% I don't mind doing things with and would consider friendly. It's only about 10% I truly connect with. This is in both just friends and romantic interests. So put together picky, won't settle, only really connect with 10% and the pool gets smaller. The thing is, at least in dating, I've been giving many a chance. I don't make a quick impression and even if I think they are likely not for me, I am still willing to find out. It's only in going on a couple dates that you can even tell enough. I give anyone I have a mild attraction to a chance. Sadly, most women don't seem to want to do that - they seem to want their soul mate and fall in love at first sight.

4. I meet a fair number of women. The ones I am often attracted to are already taken - either married or in a R. Many others, as I said above, don't appear to even want to be. It's interesting how I'm finding ladies here that could be exactly what I'm running into. I really hope to hear from them to help me better understand. I won't judge you - I really won't. I just want to understand.

5. Funny how "it only takes one" is actually very true. Thing is, I had said that... I had said "I just want to go on just one really good date," thinking I'd be happier then. Well I did, but like potato chips - or Oxycontin for that matter - one is never enough. I then really wanted more. After the last R three years ago, I really missed it later. I really, really miss having someone to call and tell something great (or really shitty) happened to me. I beyond miss hugs, holding hands, kisses, etc.

6. For many years I really was in the "it will happen when it happens" mode. I really was. Then I hit 50 and now 53 and I look back at how much time is lost that I can never get back! I could die in two years (let's certainly hope not) but if that happens I'll have had a really shitty past 3 years hoping for something to happen. It was much easier when I didn't care and didn't try.

7. This is new for me. I was never a "ladies man" that had flocks of women after me. However, I would have never imagined that I'd go through a period this long. I have to believe this has gotten way harder and way less fun. I used to LOVE dating. Not anymore.

8. What really has me at a loss is how many I meet, as I said above, who don't want a guy and seem very scared. I guess it's better that it's not me they are rejecting - it's any guy. But still, the ones who will take anyone are not the ones I want. I know people that go from R to R to R even year long relationships yet can't be alone for a couple months. Others wrap their lives around their kids - often now in college or animals. One lady who tried to set me up with her daughter, it quickly became clear I have 2 too many legs. smile Her son is 25 and lives in another state. She has friends, 3 dogs, and has not gone on a date in many years.

9. I could care less about my ex. I've not spoken with her in at least 5 years. For all I know she could have filed for divorce again - I don't think so but I can't be sure. Still, the little bit I do think of it, it's really not fair how she derailed and robbed at least "that part" of my life and then beats the odds herself. It just makes it harder to have both heard for 10 years now "You'll meet someone when you least expect it, it will happen sooner than you think." And "the R with you ExW will not last." Sorry folks but wrong on both accounts - I've been alone for 10 years and she's is still married. So much for stats.

10. As for me, yes I did the getting back to my best self. I've always been in pretty good shape. I look at least 10 years younger than my age. Weight the same as I did in high school. Have updated my wardrobe, got my smile fixed, try to flirt or at least engage at every chance. Perhaps too much that I'm scaring them off? Still, I've done all of that. I've read and read and watched videos about dating, what to do, what not to do - so much that I spot bad daters a mile off.

11. Perhaps most frustrating is so many women just don't know what they want. My last three dates were not from online. The last one was a mutual friend. She's the one that says she wants to go out again but clearly her actions are not matching her statements. Yes, she's busy, yes she travels for work but c'mon if she wanted to get together since we went out June 8, she could have done it. Yes, she and they likely are doing me a favor but to what end? Why even bother with the first date then? And if you're not interested, just say so for crying out loud!

12. And to end in this even dozen, perhaps worse of all, I really don't want to get married again. I just don't. The stats and life are just against it all. I would most certainly be in a LT committed relationship, even under the same roof. Actually, the mutual friend that introduced that last lady has done that for over 20 years and is still extremely happy. I just don't want to head to marriage and could very well be love avoidant in some respects. Thing is, I've not even gotten past a third or fourth date in three years so it has not been an issue. My point is, finding someone may not even be the problem - not running from or spoiling it may eventually be. Still, I will address that should it even happen.

Yeah, I'm not an easy case and I know it. Still, I have got to try something as just sitting waiting has turned weeks into months and months into years. I never would have thought I'd be here 10 years later. The really sad part is, everything else is in place. I just want someone to share it with!

Hope that helps everyone get to know me a bit more. Again, I don't want to minimize how thankful I am to everyone who has responded so far. As you can see in my stats, I was really involved here 10 years ago and got a lot out of it. In fact I still use many DB teachings and share them with my friends. I use them often in business. I know I'll use them should I meet someone. Hopefully at least I can pull out of this slump - with some help. So thanks again for all of your comments and those that are still yet to come!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Ok 1 question. Are you a perfectionist and overachiever?


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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"Ok 1 question. Are you a perfectionist and overachiever?"

LOL, well I clearly have high standards - both for myself and for everyone else. Some might see me as a perfectionist but I really am fine with 95% "perfection." I don't obsess or keep trying for something perfect as it doesn't exist. It has to be to my satisfaction but then I move on where a true perfectionist does not.

I'm not sure what an overachiever is but I may well be one depending on your definition. Like I said, I'm hardest on myself but also hold everyone else to a very high standard whatever I do. I can say without reservation that I'm very pleased with most of what I've done in my life from friends to raising step-kids whom I'm still in their lives to the business I've built, music performances and recordings I've been involved in, life accomplishments - all of it. I'm very good at what I do - other than relationships to which I somewhat seem to suck at. I can spot the wrong business person or employee a mile off in minutes but the wrong woman could be under my nose for months and I don't figure it out. I am beyond honest which often leads me to revealing too much too soon. I just feel like I'm lying by omission if I with-hold things. I've gotten better at it though.

Does that answer your question? You tell me, do I sound like a perfectionist and overachiever?


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,901
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I'm wondering if you reread what you wrote and how holding people to a high standard may affect your relationships. And I don't mean busines R but romantic ones. I learned to let go of any expectations and go with the flow. It has made me more relaxed and happy.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Thanks for posting on my thread. As I read yours, we seem to have a similar situation dating wise. Close to the same length of time we have been single. Both dated, you much more than me. I think we are both sick of not sharing our lives with someone else especially when we are happy with our lives and we just want to share that.

There are 2 ways to look at dating and meeting someone you could have a long term R with. One is when you aren't looking it and you least expect it, it will happen. The other is it takes some real work, and if you really want it, you will put the time and work in. Well, even if you aren't looking, putting yourself in situations where it might be possible to meet someone is a must, I think. Like taking up new activities, going ot meetups, ect. for YOU. Then maybe just maybe you can click with someone in person. Else it's a numbers game online, and you have ot get past the ghosting, the fake interest, ect.

As to holding yourself to high standards, that's cool. You seem pretty successful and like you worked hard to build a great life. And congrats on overcoming the opiate addiction. That is no easy feat and becoming an epidemic in this world.

Now holding others to higher standards can get you in trouble sometimes. I think it's good to have high standards, but execting someone else to strive to meet yours if they don't already, can be a problem. I would just me careful of that.

I wish I had better advice except to be patient. Just keep enjoying your life, join some new activities, and see where that takes you.

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