Detaching.....nearly there..

[Surfer]

I have noticed other behaviours too. A control behaviour. Whenever she drops the kids, or I make comment upon what we are up to, she feels the need to direct me. Those toothbrushes will be too big for them, if you are going to take them there - don't forget x, can you not give them pasta etc. All small direction and pretty unnecessary control which I am not a fan of, but I tolerate.

When we were together and I had confronted her about the EA it was all about how I washed the dishes, ironed kids uniforms, stacked the dishwasher. Anything to needle etc.

All of this is similar behaviour. The before splitting and after. I am tempted to start being honest. "Don't worry I am a big boy and can handle it". Or perhaps just say nothing and as I am.

Any thoughts on these points?

Thank you.

[SH_]

Pay her no mind Surfer.
Detaching in part is not letting her actions or opinions have any impact nor influence on you.
Do you think any response you make will change her thoughts or actions right now.
How would you react to a neighbor saying those things?

I encourage that you take your focus away from her behaviors and keep them on yours.
What behaviors make Surfer a better man and the person only a fool would leave?

[Surfer]

Re. The WW needing to suffer a loss. My WW has gone gone on holiday with the kids and her single girlfriend (recently divorced with a child). The kids will be happy so I am happy with that - to some extent (would rather it is just us but..). Yet it feels like cake eating a bit (TBH) - as when she left she left by clearing out a lot of money I invested for her. Anyway that is done. My point is, it's hard for her to feel financial pressure as such (Ie the money she took), also she probably doesn't need company right now - she has her friends (presuming the EA has ended and there is nobody else) IDK if here is anyone, but I doubt it. She does feel work pressure and day to day stress which she struggles with however. The point I am making here is perhaps this point of her suffering a loss or realising the grass isn't greener might never happen - I guess so what - GAL and enjoy your life Surfer. Stop navel gazing, mind reading and trying to see into the future! I appear to be talking to myself here (oh dear).

I spoke to my L today and said whilst things feel better at the moment, less arguing, her hanging around a bit more (trying to get a bit of attention) and very little contact and arguments otherwise I do wonder about issuing proceedings. Again, I know the answer. Reconciliation does not work this way - but it might shock her. THen again that would essentially be manipulative and might not work (there I go again talking to myself - going to change my name to Surfer's' as there appears to be more than one of us - ha ha.

I guess just sit back and see how it goes is the answer really.

I do have one question I am struggling with, last time my W went abroad on holiday, with girlfriends (just over a month ago), I took her to the airport. A 3 hour round trip. Sandi was asked why would I do that - helping her eat cake I presume were her thoughts. However my DB coach said it was a good thing as we talked properly and genuinely for 1.5 hours. He felt it was the right thing to do as it cared a good interaction. She thanked me a lot also......

So to cut to the chase at last........I didn't take her and the kids to the airport yesterday, it wouldn't have worked for me so I did it offer and she didn't ask. I would like to pick them up when they come back, as I will have missed them. SHould I offer to pick them up to create good interactions or should I do a 180 and not offer?

Any thoughts?....

[ancient warrior]

My thought is that if/when she asks for a ride, then YOU decide if it works for you to drive 3 hours to bring them back. I get your missing your children, but it seems to me that you are trying to impress her with your generosity. It also sets up the "why would you offer now when you didn't before?" Be consistent in your detachment.
A marathon, not a sprint. Good luck.

[Surfer]

Thanks for replying. I didn't ask before I guess I feel bad not offering and I miss them all. Perhaps just detach is the best thing. Or act as if I have.....it's not easy this detaching.

[Surfer]

Been thinking about GAL with members of opposite sex but I don't think that's sensible. An ex colleague - contacted me and sparked the thought. I have needs too and 6 years of no intimacy is at times very difficult. Not even a cuddle or a touch of the hand for years - I just feel very alone sometimes. However, I just don't think its the right thing to do - to pursue the opposite sex. I am married after all and even platonic discussions can become an EA or more. It's also not fair to the other person. I also owe it to the kids, myself and my W to do my best to fight for this relationship even if that's through detaching or acting if where I don't feel detached. I won't be in touch the my ex colleague again.

I need to avoid the bar scene too. Most of my GAL involves catching up with friends and that usually involves drinking. I have been doing far too much drinking recently. It's not good. It makes me depressed and anxious about my MR. I have found it hard to get out of bed until the afternoon due to feeling so down.

I am really missing my W and kids - they are on holiday. I havn't contacted them as I am trying to give some space. She got the kids to phone me when they arrived and I got a text from D8 on Friday.

How does contacting the kids work - I don't want to detach from them. But I don't want to upset them - they often say they miss me etc. I also don't want my W thinking I am contracting them to speak to her.

I sometimes feel like I am in a nightmare I can't wake up from.

I have not been eating properly recently also.

I need to drop this self pity and get going with something. Sorry. I can sometimes feel really quite happy and detached. Then this.....the never ending nightmare returns.

My wife use to talk about wanting to run away and to just curl up in a ball. I guess she was feeling like this.

[Surfer]

So kids are still on holiday. Spoke to them briefly this morning. W just passes phone over, no talking, didn't really mind that but looking back I do. I need to stop this though I am only hurting myself.

It still feels so hard that she chooses her (wayward) friends and their H's to be with to holiday with our children. These friends being the ones she was with when she was hitting the bars and hitting on OM. I don't get it at times.

D8 was telling me (on speakerphone so W could hear) how she wished we were all there but "that's not going to happen" - W has perhaps told her this. I said don't worry about that you just focus on having fun. We'll have fun when you get back too & don't worry about what will or will not happen, nobody knows what will happen just relax and have fun.

Frankly I keep thinking about jacking this whole joke in - I feel trapped. For the last 6 - 7 years I have had to put up with this alien (prior at times). "It" recently took £30k or so out of a savings account to rent a place. I set up this account for her (not it) and has access to a further £45. I can't stop this disappearing over time without getting a D going - also still paying her a monthly allowance. The rest is locked down, but I just feel I don't really want a D so perhaps that's the price to pay for waiting out her fog...just feels like major cake eating.

I just can't see her really suffering loss at the absence of her LBH if she has access to money, holidays, friends etc. From what I read from Sandi, without this loss she is unlikely to change. Unless I am missing something here.

[Surfer]

So 'temp checking' I think I know what it means. Testing the water to see if you have detached? Is that right?

[Surfer]

So the WW got the kids to FaceTime last night. I think they probably instigated it rather than her. Good to talk, they seemed to be having fun, but S6 looked tired. They told me WW's most wayward of friends H was playing in the pool with them, all day. He's a nice guy but I can't stand his wife (the things she has said about me to my W and others in the past are shocking - saw it all in the old snooping days). Then again, I suppose she might only be validating the 'story' the WW tells.....IDK. More bothered that it's another man making my kids happy in the pool on holiday when it should be me making memories with them. And the best of it, I pay for it (or half of it)......

WW was getting ready, in a towel etc, whilst FaceTiming and was paranoid at me seeing her (no contact during the call). For years she did this thing where I couldn't see her in a towel. You would think I used to beat her! I guess she was in a place where she just felt so bad about herself?....I hate to think I made her feel like that - I hope it was more about the place she was in rather than how I interacted with her. Anyway, will stop thinking about that. Can't be changed and I am quite sure I was absolutely rational in my responses when she was entering her phase of change.

I think that's enough venting for now. Work now and gym later. Going to get some photographs printed and framed later to put in my S6 and D8's rooms. Also, S6 wants me to get his worm farm built........the things you do for love!

[Surfer]

BTW. Has anyone any experience of detaching and GAL working. WW just seems to want her friends and no contact. Like she has gone 95% dark. If both are doing the same is that really going to yield results? I appreciate that I GAL and if she sees me then fine but from what she has said before, 'it's too little too late, there's nothing left' etc, really the prospects are surely limited given she has people to talk to etc. The only time she will perhaps struggle is when she is back at work perhaps, under pressure etc. IDK.