What if there is a chance, however slim? or is it my mindset I need to adjust to saying theres no chance?
Heres the thing... There is ALWAYS a chance --- until you dont want to wait anymore. That said, it could take weeks, months, years. Your W could go through 0, 1, 5, 10, or 100 other men before deciding that it's you that she wants. There is no way to predict that at this moment.
The only thing you can do is to improve yourself so that if she and you decide to try again, it will be successful.
Think of it this way: Imagine you are walking through an unexplored path in the woods. You come to a fork and you and W will go on the two different paths. This is BD. Now, it's time to start moving. You and W have no clue where the paths will go. All you can do is start walking. You cant control how fast or slow she goes or whether she even stays on the path. You cant know ahead of time if the paths cross.
So yes, you might come to a place where they intersect. But if she isn't there when you get there, then what? Will you spend your life waiting for her? What if she already passed the intersection? What if there was another fork and she went a different way?
There is only one thing I can say with 100% certainty. If you stand at the original fork, you have no chance at meeting up with her again. So it is time to start walking.
My wife has said that we are no longer together, it's over, no going back and she has given up on our marriage. She got quite angry when saying it.
Despite this she has still invited me to go to a family bbq with her and our kids and she says she still wants to do things with the kids as a mum and dad not H and W. We have a holiday booked in September and she still is thinking we are all going still.
Another common trait of the WW is doing what we call "cake eating", where she wants the best of both worlds. She doesn't want to be your W, but she wants the advantages of family. For example, doing things as mum and dad with the kids......just don't confuse it with H and W? Nope, that is not reality of a D. She needs to see the reality ASAP. The reality is she has certain days with the kids and you have certain days. There is no doing things as a family when you are divorced. Don't fall into her cake eating traps.
Quote:
She wants to talk to me when we are sat together, makes me drinks and asks about my day, she hasn't mentioned D for a week or mentioned splitting assets for the same time. But she seems comfortable around me and has a laugh still with me and the kids.
When are you sitting together and talking? Are you going to see her, or is she coming to see you, or what? The above ^^^ is an example of her cake eating. She won't miss you or the M b/c she is getting these little slices of cake, which she likes and live a long time on cake.
You are wanting to give her affection b/c that is your LL and b/c you feel very needy. You are wanting assurance, and for you, it comes through affection. Don't do it. It's not time, yet.
Quote:
I've just been thinking about my wife's family, she has 6 brothers all married with kids etc.
I feel a great loss here too as they treated me as a brother and I became an integrated member of the family, often going out with them and doing things as a large family.
Right now, you are lonely and your thinking is relating everything to "family" and how badly you want to keep it.
Quote:
How do I deal with them? They have become distant with me, which is to be expected, do I shut them out, make an effort still?
They have become distant with you. Not the other way around. That is could be for a couple of reasons, but long story shortened is that blood is thicker than water. No matter if they accepted you like a brother, they will choose their sister over you. That's just the way it is when these things happen.
Both of my grown children went through divorces, and maintained a friendly relationship with their former in-laws. However, there was no more visiting back & forth, or attending family get-togethers.
So, how do you deal with them? If you happen to run into them in the grocery store, you act warm and friendly......but do not overkill. They are the ones who are shutting you out, remember? So, if they don't want to be chummy, respect their wishes. Just don't act like a jerk if you see them across the parking lot. Throw up your hand in a wave, and they don't make a step toward you, then let it go. A lot of family members act this way b/c they see it as loyalty to their sister, or whoever it may be. When the MR is reconciled, everything will probably be fine with the family members again.......if you don't sr@w something in the meantime.
Quote:
This bbq I've been invited is a family event, I don't really want to go but people are saying I should go, my W father told me I should go.
What would be best? Go and do it as a family as my wife wants to do things with us all as a family, or leave it?
I thought you said they were being distant? Is that just the brothers? Or, is that your imagination b/c your mind is working overtime?
Here is what I believe the LBS should do if his marital status is separation or divorced. Do not attend her family events. If they want to visit with you, then they go to your house or meet you somewhere else. Attending her family events looks pursuing, and usually, the WW resents it.....(depending on her ever changing mood). If her parent invited you, they are being nice. Many times, the parent wants to "help" by having the SIL over, but it actually makes everyone feel uncomfortable. My advice is kindly thank the one who invited you, and gracefully decline.
Do the right thing and leave her family alone in their event, while you go find something fun to do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I initially said to her about splitting time with the kids, she broke down in hysterics, lots of crying and stomping as she said she wanted us to be family. I relented and said ok. But in hindsight your right, I'm being used for her own needs, that is annoying because she said its for the kids and really it is the cake eating
We are still living together at the moment so we watch to together when kids are in bed, that is when she's not out with friends which is what's started to happen.
But when sat together she initiated the conversation rather than me, and she suggests watching films together. She even had her feet touching my leg yesterday, I didn't react or think anything of it really but felt it was her trying to lure me into saying something.
I've also noticed that she's making an overboard effort with how she looks, the other days she was wearing skimpy shorts and a little top and let walking past me while is was sat down and picking things off the floor in front of me, it sounds ridiculous but again I felt as though she was luring me into saying or doing something.
Tonight she's gone to the movies and cocktails with some girlfriends, again she has got so dressed up to go out midweek. I told My dad and he said it was for my benefit and she was "peacocking" to try and get a rise out of me.
They are being distant, but I've found out that my W has said to her brothers to be ok with me as I didn't have any family near to where I live and that I wasn't a bad guy and didn't want me left out and wanted me to be part of the family still.
I agree about it looks like pursuing behaviour attending the bbq, plus the stuff she is putting on Facebook and everyone knowing it will be super awkward
The brothers and their partners who I've also been very close to are being distant, just to clarify. Her mum is a bit pissed at me for how I've acted but her dad is supportive of me, problem is all the brothers and W have a terrible relationship with their dad
Also her getting dressed up and going out tonight to the movies is all over Facebook, so not with another man , which is probably what I would have thought a week ago
It's easier said then done time to detach and focus on you and your own behaviour What you are doing is over thinking and analysing and it becomes a dead end game, there is nothing you can do about her actions and behaviour let her go and find out how life works out the grass is always greener I'm at work on a iPhone I'll check in later Stay calm and postive
Brad
Me: 45 w:45
M:6yrs T:9 Separated aug 15 no contact dec 15 come back july 16 I filed for closure aug 16
Ok, so she came home at 11 last night, I was on the couch. she came in and sat down. she then tried to start conversations, I gave short answers, not rude or stroppy but wasn't fully engaging in conversation and giving just the basic answers.
she sat there for a few minutes, then said, "well im going to bed then" in a rather stroppy voice then stormed out the room and stamped her way upstairs to bed.
the next morning she came down and was starting to moan about jobs around the house, DIY stuff. saying that she would get her brothers to do it as im not, and that I cant live there if im not contributing, with things around the house.
she then said that she was going to get a mortgage next week, but noithing is arranged at this moment in time
it was only a few weeks ago I built a summerhouse and huge decking area, but that's forgotten about now.
ive also found out that shes telling people we have "consciously uncoupled", I googled it, what a load of BS
Cop, we are all the same. I have spent the last 2 and a half years building our house here in a foreign country that we moved to for her job. That's all forgotten too. We make a big loss selling it but she doesn't care, although she is trying to find ways to access the house behind me rather than just ask.
Be prepared that this will probably get worse before there is any chance of it getting better.
They same things were said to me about the house and for want of better blah blah blah
Realise it's a list of excuses to justify their actions the reality that you can't fix it all you can do right now is remain calm upbeat and focus on your behaviour
My story is different she has told me that a lot of stuff said was to hurt me and push me away, to make it easier to leave take it all in but don't let it wear you down keep posting it helps as a journal and to track progress I'm a lot stronger wiser and detached then I was a year ago
Cheers Brad
Me: 45 w:45
M:6yrs T:9 Separated aug 15 no contact dec 15 come back july 16 I filed for closure aug 16
