A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
Call 303-444-7004 to get started right away.

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Re: One Last Thread [Re: Zues126] #2684008
06/07/16 08:23 PM
06/07/16 08:23 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Maybell Offline
Member
Maybell  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Tar! I'm glad you're here.

I've been seeing someone since last Thanksgiving. I've had a lot of the same worries you expressed here. I agree with everything Sunny said.

I disagree with Zues about timing because by the time the actual divorce was complete it was almost a non-event. It was important to me not to date until I was at THAT point at least... But even still, dating was a huge shock to my system. I'm wondering if the distance isn't a bit of the appeal at the moment? Gives you the chance to dip your toe in the water of a Good Thing without the shock of immersion in the relationship? Something to consider.

I spent a lot of time worrying if my (not so) New Guy was a rebound. I look and look, and while he's not perfect (nor am I) he is all the things I had wished for in my life. So far. I created a lot of drama and angst looking for red flags and worrying about timing. I could have just been enjoying the moments and relaxing with someone I don't get to spend nearly enough time with.

My advice: Ray hard not to overthink it. Enjoy it for what it is. If, in six months, or nine months, or a year, you look up, and you're deeper into one another's lives and she is home for you, then you'll know. If something happens along the way, and it doesn't play out that way, youll know that too.

Have fun, Tar! It will be interesting to see it all play out!!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: One Last Thread [Re: Maybell] #2684045
06/08/16 12:39 AM
06/08/16 12:39 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Sotto Offline
Member
Sotto  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Only thing I would say is I think it's important to be honest if you don't want to have any more kids. That may or may not be a deal breaker for her...but best to be upfront about that before things get too deep. Hope you have a lovely time whatever you decide anyway.... smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: One Last Thread [Re: Maybell] #2684081
06/08/16 05:58 AM
06/08/16 05:58 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 519
T
Tarheel Offline OP
Member
Tarheel  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 519
Originally Posted By: Maybell
I disagree with Zues about timing because by the time the actual divorce was complete it was almost a non-event. It was important to me not to date until I was at THAT point at least... But even still, dating was a huge shock to my system. I'm wondering if the distance isn't a bit of the appeal at the moment? Gives you the chance to dip your toe in the water of a Good Thing without the shock of immersion in the relationship? Something to consider.

Thanks Maybell! I agree about the timing. At this point we've been S for 3 years and we rarely speak anymore. Everything should be complete by this summer. I felt like it was a good year and a half to 2 years after S before I felt ready to even talk to females (in that way). I also didn't want to introduce a new girl into the equation. I made sure to explain my situation to this new girl the other night. I wasn't sure what all she had heard from my brother, so wanted to be up front and honest from the start. She was already aware and ok with it.

The long distance is an interesting dynamic. I think it takes a lot more effort and commitment earlier than a relationship with someone who lives nearby. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing for this first relationship? So instead of 'want to hang out this weekend?', it's setting aside dedicated time to visit and learn about each other at the same time.

I do plan on having the kid talk at some point, but will probably wait until post beach vacation. We're both looking forward to spending some quality time together. We've joked that most people go to dinner on a first date. We're going to the beach and both of us are completely comfortable with it.


Me: 39 W: 36
M: 16 years
3 Kids- S16, S13, D12
1st BD- 2/2013 / 2nd BD- 9/25/2013
Re: One Last Thread [Re: Tarheel] #2768829
11/20/17 07:54 AM
11/20/17 07:54 AM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 519
T
Tarheel Offline OP
Member
Tarheel  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 519
Wow, it's been a while since I've been on here. Just read through some of my earlier posts and am so embarrassed- man, was I so weak! Oh well, hindsight.....

Not sure what prompted this forum visit, but here's my year end wrap up laugh

D was final in March or April(??) Was just a formality at that point, although the ex seemed to be rushing it when we actually started the process. She then got engaged to OM less than a month later, which would explain things. When I was informed, my first reaction was a chuckle, then I rolled over and went back to sleep. No idea when the wedding is, but they moved into his place, which means my kids now have to go over there. Not going to lie- having to see him at the kids' events and socializing with my 'ex family/friends' isn't easy.

The ex and I don't communicate other than when necessary, through email. I feel bad for the kids that we can't get along, but I just have no desire to be friendly towards her. If she had been just a friend, I would have removed her from my life a long time ago due to all the disrespect, lies, etc she's given me. Our big disagreement now is the kids' schedule- she feels they have to follow the set schedule we determined. I feel that they should have some say in it. I think she disagrees because she knows they'd pick the house. They're 18, 15 and 13, so I think they're old enough to have a voice in it.

On the bright side- I'm still dating the girl I mentioned in the beginning of this thread! We're still 8 hrs away, but visit every 3-4 weeks. The tentative plan is for her to relocate to my city once her school year ends next spring. I feel a little pressure with that (what if she moves and we eventually break up?), but trying to not over analyze. She's great- loving, caring, considerate, gets along with my family/kids and the trust issues I thought I may have in future R's does not exist one bit. We'll see what happens- I'm in noooo rush to jump back into a M, but I know that's important to her, so should the time come, I'm not opposed. Again- nooo time soon laugh

Happy Holidays everyone! Stay strong!


Me: 39 W: 36
M: 16 years
3 Kids- S16, S13, D12
1st BD- 2/2013 / 2nd BD- 9/25/2013
Re: One Last Thread [Re: Tarheel] #2768834
11/20/17 08:29 AM
11/20/17 08:29 AM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
S
sandi2 Offline
Member
sandi2  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Good to hear from you.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: One Last Thread [Re: sandi2] #2768924
11/21/17 12:58 PM
11/21/17 12:58 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 190
E
Elsa Offline
Member
Elsa  Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 190
That sounds great, Tar! Congratulations on your detachment, your clearly successful solo parenting (as evidenced by who the kids want to be near the most), and your new relationship. (Your post prompted me to come out of the woodwork too ..)


Me: 33 Him: 35
T: 13 M: 11
D7
BD, S: Jul 3rd, 2014
Re: One Last Thread [Re: Elsa] #2769510
11/28/17 11:24 PM
11/28/17 11:24 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Ggrass Offline
Member
Ggrass  Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
I wouldn't worry too much about befriending the x. I'm feel the same as you, but I'm lucky no actual kids to tie me to my x.

He was quite violent towards my son, and so given his extreme measure of the violent events that lead to break down why would I want to see him?
He's not someone I can trust nor. Is he someone I would want as a friend.

So I stay super dark, once I almost bumped into him at an event but I slipped away, because there is nothing to say. I would be able to keep the truth quiet in my head, so I think dark is the best and most respectful way to deal with it.

For me it actually works, and I didn't feel anything when I saw him bar pitty for how mentally ill the man is.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Page 2 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004