What Should I be doing (4)

[Coconut]

Is it strange that I love the song "Messing Around" by pit bull? The song is about cheating but it's never brought me any sadness... Random thought, but just felt like saying it.

I reached out to my old best friend, he was my closest friend from 20 years old to about 35, he was my best man at my wedding but we kinda lost touch after my marriage.. Anyway we are meeting up tonight to hang out, I'm very excited to see him again.

[Wonka]

Coconut,

Phew! That was a real scary moment....I thought for sure that you've pushed W away with those nasty text exchanges.

As you related here, you know the importance of stepping back and taking a deep breath before opening your mouth. We stress the 24-hour rule (or 48 to 72 hours) here in DB because emotions do run high when there's a fractured M in the picture whether it is a WAW, WW, WH, WAH or MLcer. Make the most use of the DB tools in your tool belt:

1) STFU Smoothies
2) Duct tape
3) Inaction is also action
4) Doing what works
5) Avoid going down cheeseless tunnels
6) Words, tone, demeanor have HUGE impact in DBing

Now on to your gripe about needing snuggles with W. This isn't the time or place to gripe about them. Did you know that research in happy couples report that touch is the most essential bonding agent for a happy M? Those non-sexual touches are very critical to the lifeblood of a healthy marriage. Don't lose sight of this, Coconut.

Another advice you might want to really pay attention to here is this: You MUST learn to engage with W. You admitted in one of your first postings that you drifted away from W emotionally and this was backed by W in the recent text exchange (in addition to her previous comments to you).

What can you to to be:

-more thoughtful in your actions
-more loving in thought and responses
-more interested in W's day
-more involved in chit and chatting about anything

You really need to find ways to turn TOWARD W. And for gosh sakes, try to use humor or see the funny side of things for laughter is a great bonding agent too for spouses.

Go on and do this....what is the alternative, Coconut?

To add to Sandi's comment about couples therapy, I would try for a Gottman based MC therapist. You two cannot afford to go at it as DIY for Dummies....a trained MC professional is needed and necessary to get you two back on track toward a much happier and healthier M.

[Coconut]

Coconut,

Now on to your gripe about needing snuggles with W. This isn't the time or place to gripe about them. Did you know that research in happy couples report that touch is the most essential bonding agent for a happy M? Those non-sexual touches are very critical to the lifeblood of a healthy marriage. Don't lose sight of this, Coconut.

Another advice you might want to really pay attention to here is this: You MUST learn to engage with W. You admitted in one of your first postings that you drifted away from W emotionally and this was backed by W in the recent text exchange (in addition to her previous comments to you).

What can you to to be:

-more thoughtful in your actions
-more loving in thought and responses
-more interested in W's day
-more involved in chit and chatting about anything

You really need to find ways to turn TOWARD W. And for gosh sakes, try to use humor or see the funny side of things for laughter is a great bonding agent too for spouses.

Go on and do this....what is the alternative, Coconut?

To add to Sandi's comment about couples therapy, I would try for a Gottman based MC therapist. You two cannot afford to go at it as DIY for Dummies....a trained MC professional is needed and necessary to get you two back on track toward a much happier and healthier M.

Hey wonka, thanks for stopping by... I definitely got lucky that she doesn't want us to end, even after I spewed my anger, she came back at the end and apologized for making me hurt... I really believe in her and us.

As for snuggling, I'm not gripping about it, I love doing it, and will always do it from this day forth. I'm just concerned that I love it so much, because if we get to a point where I don't get it, I'm afraid of how that will make me feel... I simply wish I could love it when we do it, but be ok when we don't.

As for engaging with W, I am into it. We spent 2 years not engaging with each other, but I really am very interested in her, and feel that I'm becoming a more interesting me which helps her in engaging with me. I don't play video games anymore, and I don't really watch tv much anymore, so when we are talking, I'm not distracted. Although I do give her space when I feel like she wants/needs it.

I set up one last ic session for me, I want to talk about healthy ways to deal with anger, and I'm looking for a good mc. We are both willing and wanting to seek help, but don't want it to turn out like our last MC session, it wasn't good.

Also, I ordered those two books you recommended, they'll be here tomorrow. I'll read through them this weekend but it will take her time due to all the studying she has to do..

As for us, today she posted a family pic of our first family vacation on FB, I commented on it and she replied with hearts... Sounds silly, but Facebook is her medium, and I know it means a lot that she did it.. We are in a good place today.

[cubebot]

Hi Coconut,

So happy to hear that you and your W have made it this far. These last couple pages are soon far from the Coconut that showed up on this board. You are making great progress with yourself and your M. Keep learning, improving, and don't ever stop DB'ing. DB in the good times and DB in the bad from this day forward. Praying for you and your M my friend.

[Coconut]

Thx Cubebot.. DB is definitely the best thing that has happened to me in quite awhile...

So W text me today, says (friend) just invited me to see Darius Rucker this weekend with her. Do you mind if I go?

My initial thought was that I don't mind her going with this friend, so I just text back "I guess that means I'm not invited".

after about 5 minutes of thinking about it, I then text "yes, I guess I do mind. You say that you want to do fun things with me, but you keep making plans that don't include me and I'm left by myself..."

I then went over to her office (we work together), and I told her that obviously I don't mind her hanging out with this friend (I've been friends with this girl for many years before my wife met her), but you don't have a lot of free time with all the studying you have to do, and I don't want another weekend to go by without getting to hang out with you (last weekend she went out with FF class friends).

She said that she didn't make the plans, just that our friend was supposed to go with someone else that had to back out so she had an extra ticket. I told her that the old me wouldn't of minded staying home while she went out, but that's not what I want anymore, and that's not what she wants.. so I suggested she call friend and see if it's cool if I buy a ticket and go to.

She said that would be good, and is reaching out to friend.

[Coconut]

ok, after thinking about it, I think I shoulda said something more to the effect of:

"Yes, I do mind if we were not both invited, we need to spend time together rebuilding our friendship and with everything else going on we have very few opportunities do so. I enjoy spending quality time with you on the weekends so I would prefer that we don't spend Saturday night both doing our own thing".

I'm trying to figure out how to be more assertive in making decisions on what our family does, but it's not natural for me because I generally don't mind spending alone time or her going out with friends.

Anyway, I've bought my ticket and I'm going. I just feel like what I said came across as whiny instead of as strong. Baby steps.. While I'm at the concert I will be sure not to crowd W, I will make sure she has time with Friend, with me, and with us.

[sandi2]

I agree that the two of you need to make a real effort to spend some non-working days together. Perhaps she learned to fill her life with other people and activities when she felt her H was emotionally unavailable for her. Working on this MR will not just simply fall into place. It takes purposely planning and prioritizing one another, in a healthy & balanced way..........(you don't want to swing so far the other direction till you both become co-dependent on the MR).

At this fragile point, her taking two weekends back to back without you.........would not be the best. She may feel the need for some space, but for your sake and the sake of the R, it is a good move for you to join her.

By your post, it doesn't appear she was hesitant in you buying a ticket and joining them. I think that is very positive! I see a lot of potential for this R. I hope you can really enjoy yourself at the concert.

[Coconut]

It's simply a choice to wake up every day and think "I don't need you, but I want you." For me, I want my family intact, I want financial security, I want to raise my kids with someone that loves them as much as I do, I want to have history with someone, I want to know that I tried everything I could.

So to my point. Blu, this hits the nail right on the head and is the missing piece in far to many relationships IMHO.
"I don't need you, but I want you."
How many are struggling in this community because they NEED their spouse.
This is obvious in the postings, because in one sentence the LBS is talking about all the things they need from the WAS/WW, then in the next sentence, the comments are all about the person that they can not believe the WAS/WW has become and they do not like nor want to be with that person.

I'd like to add to this "I want you, I don't need you" thought... I was never able to detach from my WW, so when she came around and I got "her" back, I started having a lot of anger build up. I think a big part of that is because I "Needed" my W back, but who I got back was not my W, at least not the W I needed. I got back my W who had an affair.

In the beginning stages, the person that we naturally want to chase and save from ruining our M is the W we know, but upon Bomb Drop, that person is gone. I see a future with my W, but not the same future I saw before bomb drop, I now have to consciously decide that I want the future with the W I have now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though my WW came back to me, the W that I "needed" no longer exists, and had I been able to detach I don't think that realization would have had such an impact on me.

So Sandi's post above:
It takes purposely planning and prioritizing one another, in a healthy & balanced way..........(you don't want to swing so far the other direction till you both become co-dependent on the MR).

And then the quotes above from Blu's thread has me wondering if I'm still attached, and if I am who am I attached to. I will definitely say that I am not co-dependent at the moment, in fact I often find myself more relaxed and happy when out by myself than with my W (although in fairness we have had very little together time). I no longer feel like spending time with my W is automatic, it does take planning and prioritizing to spend time together, and more importantly to make sure it's quality time. For me, if my wife goes to the bedroom when I am ready to go to sleep, I no longer go to sleep early but take advantage of us being in the MBR together to chat and joke. I feel like I am no longer co-dependent, but am I still attached?

I know that if I was to find out today that my W was still having an A it would destroy me again, so I must still be attached, but logically I see my W as a different person than who I married. I see qualities I still am attracted to in my W, but I don't get the feeling of soul mate that I used to, so am I attached simply to the thought of who my W was?

Sorry my thoughts are all over the place, just felt like trying to get these thoughts out as best as I can. I'm still learning everyday, and I'm not even sure I am accurately representing what codependency is, but I explained it as I understand it at this moment.

[Coconut]

Sandi2, you talk a lot about the H being the man of the house, and I see where I was seriously lacking in that arena, I have decided that I will change that and will not be a doormat, but I'm struggling with how to make those changes.

I have the NMMNG book, but I'm not to far into reading it, the book suggests involving spouse if your M, so I'm gonna ask BluWave if it would be good to start that process so early in piecing..

For now, I just want to make sure I don't just "ok" everything my wife suggests, and try and make sure she wants / respects my input, so we just had this text:

W - we don't have anything going on for 4th of July do we? Apparently the station is having a bbq & my capt. Has asked for volunteers to help. I want to volunteer, obviously u and S16 can come, I just wanna make sure nothing else planned (she knows I normally wouldn't plan a month ahead, and I'm guessing was expecting that's fine from me, the old me)
M - my friend asked if we want to go to a party at another of my friends house, what time is BBQ?
W - I have no idea
W - not overly enthusiastic about going to (my friends) house because I don't know them.
M - I haven't decided I want to go (which I haven't, it's an old friend I haven't seen in 8 years), but would be a good opportunity for you to get to know them.
W - well decision either way needs to be made soon so I can tell captain if I can volunteer
M - See if you can find out times
W - ok

Did I handle that ok? Any suggestions on how coulda been better?

[cbtdad]

I think you handled it well. We are a lot alike Coconut. When I read your exchanges between you and your W I swear I am reading my texts and how we speak to each other. Except in my case I was definitely controlling and demanded too much.
My wife works in that field as well. She is a part time EMT who is now in paramedic school.
You are so fortunate to have Sandi and Wonka posting on your sitch
Wonka will definitely throw around some 2x4's:)
He cracked me a whole bunch my last time around