Maybell 39: I'm Too Old For This

[SunnyB]

You're sounding great, Maybell! I hope I will get to be where you are some day

Yes, Maybell, we are all looking to you for inspiration! So glad it's working out for you, cant' think of anyone who deserves it more.

[Maybell]

1) The three weeks without my New Guy are beginning now. I miss him already! Spent yesterday evening with him and some of his family members who were down here for a big event. He's helping get them home and then I leave for a work trip. I like how the family members greet me with hugs and want to meet my kids.

2) I *think* I'm in love and I find lots and lots of moments when I just want to let an ILY burst out of me... But I don't think he's there quite yet and it would break my heart if I let ILY rip and he just said thank you. Waiting makes me really question: is it actually love? What is love? Can I love someone when I know for sure that there is a lot to him that is a mystery to me? Am I ready to truly love? On the other hand, I feel like I've changed because of knowing him. And I like it. So why not take the leap and acknowledge what I *think* I feel? But I'm going to wait and watch.

3) This morning as I was leaving to go to work, I kissed him lightly and said "I'll see you next week, I guess." And I went downstairs to get my shoes on. When I came out from where they were, he was waiting for me. He said my goodbye was inadequate and then he just waited for me. That sounds controlling when I lay it out coldly like that but it was warmer than how it sounds. Anyway, it lit my heart up because Mr. Fantastic never even used to wake up when I was leaving to go somewhere, nor does he wake up when I take the kids (like to church on Easter, or for Mother's Day). So being asked for a properly affectionate leave taking was kind of a big deal for me.

4) We've been dating eight months. It's FLOWN by. I feel like I'm just now getting to know him. I worry about the crash and when it will happen and how. Who will be hurt, how badly... I was filling out the big kitchen calendar that the kids use tonight and I asked if I should include his birthday on the calendar and they said yes. I love how he is with the kids and how they like him, the interest they're taking in his younger family members (and vice versa) and I wish I could see the future and know if it will all be OK. I don't like dating but I do like dating him.

Kids seem to be relaxing with Mr. Fantastic's GF a bit. They were making fun of Mr. Fantastic because he has "NO FRIENDS." I feel like that side of things is settling down some. I have zero respect for him but except when he does something that slights my kids I don't care so much any more about his choices. The exception is when I'm having trouble coping with some of the change in my life that has occurred because of him, like trying to figure out how to balance my new career and the single-parent gig. I know a lot of people have it way tougher than me so I feel badly even sweating it, but the fact is that the balance in my life has changed dramatically and I don't always handle it very gracefully.

I daydream about what it could be like to be married to New Guy but I worry that all the excitement I feel now will die if we lived together, the way it did when I was married to Mr. Fantastic. I don't know how much of that same ol', same ol' was because of me and how much was because he checked out. My New Guy is curious and always willing to say yes to new experiences. Would that last if he married me, or would I end up killing it? Would life with kids drive him crazy or would it bring out what I think he's been itching to explore, the challenge of being responsible for a family? What would we be like when the kids move out and it's just the two of us? Would we have enough to talk about then, or would we be ok with just sitting quietly together on a porch swing holding hands?

Sometimes I wish I could see the future. It comforts me that he's not perfect -- being with someone who treats me as he does seems too good to be true, if he were perfect I couldn't enjoy it at all.

[Dawn70]

Your posts sound so positive MB! I'm glad to finally get a chance to catch up and see how things are going and what you are feeling. Going back a month or so to something you said in a post, I am kind of feeling that same feeling of disgust when I think of my XH....like what the crap was I thinking? I see where I am now and know that while I loved him and didn't want D, it was really the greatest gift he ever gave me. It set me on a path that has allowed me to find a freedom and happiness that I likely never would've found with him.

I really enjoy your posts about NG. It sounds like he's really treating you well and you so deserve that! I'm so happy for you and look forward to more positive updates from you. Happiness looks good on you, MB!

[SunnyB]

How was the weekend without NG, Maybell? Did you keep yourself busy?

[Maybell]

I left for my business trip on Saturday evening. Was feeling down because I'm the only one not bringing a partner. We got into it a little bit via text and he offered to call but I was already at the airport so we just texted the conversation. I hope it's not manipulative that he suggested I was actually anxious about the trip itself; I feel like I don't have great radar for recognizing manipulative tactics. (Though he drew attention to the idea that all three of my children "manipulate the he!! out of you" so for whatever that's worth).

But then it tumbled out of me that something awful had happened to a friend of mine, so he may understand me better than I give him credit for. And the awful thing that happened to her was something that could happen to me on this trip, and he immediately jumped into concern for my safety. And we still haven't said ILY but he did escalate the I like you to I like you a whole lot. So... Progress!!

Anyway I'm not happy with how this week is. I miss him. It's not game playing that I don't feel totally confident in reaching out to him too much, maybe because I was super aware that Mr. Fantastic didn't love hearing from me. (WHY did I fight for that marriage????)

I can't wait to back to My Guy. He sent me a selfie. I don't know when I'll see him next... Thoughts?

[JksD]

You should send him a selfie too.

Plus any other extras that may be appropriate.

[SunnyB]

Maybell, I think you need to let go and sink into MyGuy just a little more. Send the selfie, text him if you feel like it. Tell him you are feeling down, see how he responds. Allow him to be concerned for you. You've been with him for months now, he's been consistent and patient with you. Let that wall down just a little more. Be vulnerable. (Go back and review your Brene Brown lessons.......) It's time.

[claire7]

Maybell,
I've been reading Alain de Botton's "The Course of Love"... one of his premises is that we struggle in relationships because we don't really know ourselves, or why we act a certain way (i.e. we don't understand the true feelings behind our actions).

And...even if we DID know ourselves, we don't trust our partners enough to reveal our true selves.

It's been eye opening for me, and worth a read.

Hugs to you.

[Maybell]

Thank you for your wisdom! I did try several times to send a selfie... I take terrible selfies!! So I haven't sent one. But I have reached out more freely. I will try to rely on him more. I feel more like myself with him. And he has said (unprompted) that he feels more like himself when he's with me.

I'll stop now -- don't want to gush -- and I wish you all lots of happiness.

[DDJ]

1) I daydream about what it could be like to be married to New Guy but I worry that all the excitement I feel now will die if we lived together, the way it did when I was married to Mr. Fantastic. I don't know how much of that same ol', same ol' was because of me and how much was because he checked out. My New Guy is curious and always willing to say yes to new experiences. Would that last if he married me, or would I end up killing it? Would life with kids drive him crazy or would it bring out what I think he's been itching to explore, the challenge of being responsible for a family? What would we be like when the kids move out and it's just the two of us? Would we have enough to talk about then, or would we be ok with just sitting quietly together on a porch swing holding hands?

Sometimes I wish I could see the future. It comforts me that he's not perfect -- being with someone who treats me as he does seems too good to be true, if he were perfect I couldn't enjoy it at all.

Hi, Maybell, if you see below I just got divorced on Monday past. Went through a couple of your posts and the above jumped out at me. You're a strong woman and just keep on going, you're actually already there :-)

What i would like to add is that you cannot tell the future, you have no idea what is going to happen - but if you get caught up with the future you will NOT be able to appreciate the present. You are lucky, you could still have been married to Mr Fantastic (I love his nickname).

So live in the moment, make every moment the best that you can. You do it with your kids everyday, so do it with him too. If you show him unconditional love, he will reciprocate.