Btw, my ex like your H had issues that predated his concussions, so don't think that I'm excusing his behavior. It didn't change who he is, just caused the negative aspects to become more dominant. My ex had chronic issues with fidelity too, that I was unaware of most of the time.
I let go. And planning to stick to it for some time.
It's been busy few weeks. I got back to work full time this week. My energy levels almost back to normal (almost). Even started some light regular exercise. Really necessary as I just started baking for Xmas... I love this time of the year. My teenage boys still like to bake Xmas cookies with me. And the smell of the house the whole month... Just love it!
Lot of things happened since my last post. Including my visit to h's bachelor's pad. Did not really feel like going there but it was necessary. Long story...
But I decided to let go. As I posted before, he asked for help to find a therapist. I talked to him about it and finished the discussion by sending him an e-mail which I had in my drafts for some time. I suggested in it some self help books before he contacts any of the therapists I suggested. I thought about it a lot and I'm still afraid that if he goes to therapy now it may not bring the results he is expecting. But now it's up to him.
I did my job. He is starting to wake up a little so I hope he will do the necessary. I cannot have any more of those conversations with him. I am losing more and more respect for him with every single one. If ever I want to be back with him one day (which for the moment I'm not so sure about anymore) I cannot completely lose respect for him.
He did not like our last conversation and wanted to run away from it (the excuse for him to stop the conversation was me smirking). I did not let him. I really cannot continue like this. After such discussions he usually stopped contacting me for a few days. Lately he keeps in contact even if I react to maybe 1 of 5 of his attempts. He is now on a business trip to Asia for a few days and keeps telling me he misses kids. I wish he felt the same when he's just a few kilometers away and can come to visit them... Anyway, I no longer hurt for them not seeing their father often. They seem to be fine with the situation, that's the most important.
Before all this happened I agreed I will not go for Xmas to my family, which we do every year (I will go after Xmas). He did not ask but many times hinted so I told him not to worry that I cannot really leave him alone for Xmas so will stay home with the kids and spend it with him. He seemed happy and said he will help me drive to our second home from where it's not far to my parents. And immediately after our discussion he bought a plane ticket for him to come back so I can spend the rest of the holidays alone with the kids. I know he does not deserve it but I just cannot leave him alone for Xmas. I know he will not go to his parents so I could not do it to him.
A few days ago he learnt that he needs a surgery. I am not happy about this. The last time he had a "routine" surgery his heart stopped and he was on a life support for a week. That's when the MLC started to show. Now it's supposed to be another "routine" operation. Well, we'll see how it goes and what kind of psychological impact it will have on him this time... I told him to let me know if he wants/needs my help, or wants to come home for the recovery after the operation. But I will not insist on anything. It's up to him.
He is trying hard to make amends with the kids. He is making a lot of efforts in general. He is contacting me much more. But he runs and hides when there is a small problem or things don't go the way he wants them to go. And then he's fast to tell me again and again that he does not want me in his life and has no other choice than to file for divorce...
Strangely, it has zero impact on me. While before I would not sleep after such conversation now it leaves me cold.
Good to hear you're back to work and energy is back up. I hope your eye is better too.
I wonder if your H will really go to a therapist. My w talked about it for awhile but as far as I know hasn't gone. I also have mixed feelings about it. It shows that they may be realizing something is wrong with them but will they just hear what they want, spin their stories, will the therapist encourage them to D? Are they really ready to work on themselves? I guess not worrying about it all is part of letting go.
Sorry to hear about your H's health. I wonder if it has anything to do with trying to make amends. That has to be scary for him.
klm, yes, I think there is a connection. I could feel already that time that there is something wrong with him. & then, almost a year later, when I discovered the first affair I looked back and thought about it and understood, in a way. That realisation made it easier for me to get over the affair. And even now I do understand him. He just did too much damage so I not always feel like I want to understand. But deep down I do...
Thanks Kyh. I don't know if he'll go to therapist or not. I would be surprised if he did. I'm not going to ask him about it, gave him already all he needed and won't push. I'm sure that he'll tell me if he goes but I must admit that for the reasons you mention I think I prefer he waits a bit with the therapy...
I continue with preparation for Xmas. We already got and decorated the tree (started to do that a few weeks before Xmas to be able to enjoy our tree as we always leave for holidays). So spending my evenings staring at the tree full of lights and colours. Very calming!
Have an eye biopsy behind me (never knew it existed before they send me for one but it turned out to be not as bad as I thought). Waiting for results... one day freaking out, another day feeling it will be ok. We'll see.
H continues with his efforts. I try to limit the contact as I really want to concentrate on me and my health now but he somehow manages to remind me of his existence on daily basis now. He even brought me a present from his business trip (he was avoiding giving me presents - Mother's Day, b-day... was worried I would misinterpret it... so it's a big change).
I hope that you get some answers on your eye situation. I'm sure you are having ups and downs thinking about it...but I'm praying for you.
Your h sounds like he's thawing out a bit and baking up nicely in the oven these days. Maybe he senses that things are changing within you and he's trying to figure it out. But, the gifts are a good sign and a baby step in the right direction.
Enjoy your tree and yes, gazing at it is very peaceful and soothing.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job! I got my results and it's good news! It's not lymphoma "just" some nasty bacteria. I'll be on some heavy meds for a few weeks/months but I'm extremely happy.
It's been very busy time at work, plus several medical checks a week so I'm really exhausted but looking forward to holidays which I plan to enjoy to the max. Kids asked for non-active holidays - I'll be more than happy to oblige this time .
Given how tired I am and that the recovery will take some time, I decided to postpone applying for the psychology degree. Checked with the university, I should be able to apply for the courses starting in October. This will give me time to recover. It's a pity but I would not manage in February. Better to postpone.
I am so happy to hear the good news about your eye situation! I know that you are so relieved. Definitely enjoy the holidays and treat yourself to some rest and relaxation.
I think you are very wise to postpone the degree for now. Your eye situation is more important and needs to heal and that may take some time.
Take care of yourself!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Bee, I'm glad you finally got your eye issue figured out and are on the road to recovery. It's great you can have a laid-back holiday season to enjoy with your kids and recover. Take care.
My dear friends and I would even dare to say my dear second family,
I wish you all happy holidays! We are all spending it differently than what we are used to but there is no reason why we should not make it special for ourselves.
I hope that you all get some rest and will be much stronger after holidays to continue our MLC journey. I am sorry that I did not post much on threads of many of you. It was really crazy and hectic time for me but I did follow all of you and (almost) every night, just before going to sleep, was checking your posts to see how you're doing. I promise I will be much better posting to you next year. Hopefully my eye will be much better by then.
I find that this year the MLC family grew quite a lot, many new members. It's good and bad but it feels great to have a place to come and feel safe and understood.
Thank you all for walking this journey with me! Big hug to all!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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