Sorry to hear about your mom. Perhaps get a cheap phone for direct contact which just makes calls. You need to find a way to focus on yourself and block out your H.
Your kids may be able to help, it will show them strength and set a good example.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Go for the friend removal. I was on the receiving end of the un-friend, but I have to admit. It was a GREAT thing for my detachment. I haven't read your whole thread yet, but social media is not your friend in this sitch. If your anything like me you check his page way to much. Does he have a new friend? What did he post? Who is commenting? If you ask yourself these questions. Free yourself from this anguish. Plus he is posting that to Bs to hurt you. Show him you won't sand for that.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm still reading and posting out here. I'm over here and in the MLC as well. I don't know where what when why how any ofbthis will work.
I feel that sharing my pain is making it worse. Friends that are not dealing with this situation nor have gone thru this. Or even gone thru the alcoholic stitch. They just keep telling me he obviously doesn't want to be with you. Not that H is not sane now he is drinking again and also might be MLC (has 25yr old OW)..
I do know that my friends and family are trying to see me happy and boy I'm trying. It's hard not onlybfor me but my D's. They both hate their dad and won't speak with him. H wants counseling with D-16, we set up an appointment but I don't know if D will go. Breaks my heart. I want to be happy too. I want to be able to detach. I think I'm making baby steps 1. I have not contacted him 2. I didn't react/respond to his drunk text messages last night 3. Explained to D's to start locking door to garage. H doesn't have a house key only garage door opener. I am trying to be strong. H has not asked for money as we now have it set so he cant just get it out of our accounts. He drinks nightly again. And he smokes. I have no idea where he is getting it and I don't think I want to know. But if he needs it I'm afraid he would come n and steal ( he has done this the last time we went thru this and his drinking). So am I doing enough or I'm I pretending. As my friends tell me to just let go and divorce him. HECK NO!!! I LOVE HIM!!! I know what he is going thru well mostly with the drinking. I know that he is hot sane and he is trying to push out the good things because he is in pain!
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
Your WH could be MLC as well as addicted and compulsive.
Some addicts are just that addicted and compulsive.
You will have to let him fall and be careful that he doesn't take you with him.
My WH is a compulsive, gambling alcohol, OW, spending and oh yes abusing.
That is what I see for a codependent.
You DB for you and let WH fall. By all means read my threads and known unless you can set boundaries then it's a bumpy ride.
There is nothing you can do but detach. It is a saviour in a sitch with an addict.
Remember that you are dealing with your WH addiction and not with him. There are other sitches here with addiction and it is the most difficult of all. Addicts may abstain to please you to hold on to you.
My recommendation is to allow WH to hit bottom and if you can AA for him for life.
The other aspect of this is to discover if you are codependent, if so you will need all your energy for you.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Oh and your WH is perfectly sane, he is addicted and has made no attempts to manage it. He knows if he has had detox education he needs to do so.
He is deep in his addiction, when he chose to drink it was a positive choice with negative consequences.
There is no benefit to counselling with your D, it's a deflection by WH and in my opinion very damaging for your D. An addict in full addiction will be unlikely to hold up their commitments to IC.
You may love your WH, I get that. And there are ways to stay married to an addict, even one in free fall as yours is, it takes a lot of strength to let them be addicted.
And I think it's an illusion he is pain, he is medicated and blotting it. He is pushing out the good things, he is getting more of his needs met with alcohol and drugs. He will also do anything to stay in addiction mode including using you as a resource.
That's why he contacts you I fear. He sees you as a resource and fears if he loses his codependent that he loses some resources to stay addicted.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, Thank you so much. I will definitely check out your posts. I relate a lot to what you have said here. I think I made a few strides with these couple of things that I have changed. I know I have a ways to go. I did just go buy DR book. I'm going to focus on me and then my D's.
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
