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Esame #2674834 05/06/16 06:24 AM
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Thanks for the update. I admire your approach and can understand why you feel this is the best course for your family. There is no one size fits all answer. That being said as the parent of two older girls I think that negotiating for his physical presence in their lives can ultimately be damaging.

Their father is not without economic resources and you are not receiving support in excess of what the court deems reasonable. Trying to manipulate this reality could be harmful. What is saying to them about their needs and their worth? I would never obstruct my children from having a relationship with their father but I won't allow their worth as people to be compromised either. This is not spousal support but child support - If you want to take the high road then bank the money and invest it for the girls. This man is no good to them right now and forcing him to stay will only cause resentment.

Ok sorry to get on my soapbox. Only you are in your situation and I pray it all works out as you hope.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.
― Maya Angelou



123Gwen #2679476 05/21/16 06:20 AM
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Just wanted to fill everyone in - since my email to him a couple of weeks ago, my ex-husband never replied. Obviously we have communicated since regarding logistics and he has said offhandedly that he will be out of town for work starting this summer but he has not referred to it as a permenant move.

He is very bad at responding to a confrontational email like I sent he would rather ignore it and then give me hints of what his plans are. He especially hated that I questioned his decison - think 1950s Father Knows Best.

Dealing with his inability to have a direct conversation or a discussion about anything makes me so glad we are not together.

I'm not sure anyone is familiar with the Mr. Nice Guy theorys but my ex fits that to a tee.

That is so not my style and my next partner will be someone that I can fight with, that I am aloud to disagree with and that will love making up with me.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

BklynMom #2679564 05/21/16 03:42 PM
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What are the Mr. Nice Guy theories? It sounds, from your explanation at the end of your post, like they don't confront or fight and take disagreement as a personal affront. If so, that fits my "nice guy".


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
ciluzen #2679575 05/21/16 04:45 PM
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Hey Bklyn,
Great to hear from you!

I am so glad to hear how well you are doing - and your daughters, too.

As always, do what works best for you - but I would add one word of warning from experience.

All my XH has done, in every interaction about money - including child support - is to claim that he doesn't have any.

He put all his assets into OW's name and is self-employed, so can write his own salary cheque (and hence, can report he earns virtually nothing).

When you have no assets, and report low income, no-one, including authorities, wants to take you to court to uphold any payment agreements.

You might get your X to sign up for a new deal, but nothing can really hold him to it, from my experience.
And if you think that your X has a good job and has assets, so this would never be the case for him... don't forget that they can be tricky and manipulative, as mlc-ers.

I think of interactions about money as a game of chess with my XH now. Any move i make to get him to pay money for our kids that he should be paying, he engages in a blocking counter-move.

His focus is solely on ensuring that I don't get 'my way'.

I hope this isn't the case for you, but I do believe that mlc-ers display eerily similar, awful, behaviours.

ciluzen #2679578 05/21/16 04:46 PM
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Check out the book No More Mr. Nice Guy

"Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness."

He would never fight or disagree. We had 1 fight in 10years prior to the bomb. 1 fight.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

BklynMom #2679694 05/22/16 09:35 AM
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Thank you, Bklyn. I'll check it out. Happy to see you are doing well.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
ciluzen #2679916 05/23/16 07:34 AM
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Hi Brook

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Funny how we, as LBSs, grow and learn to go on with our lives. The spouses who leave stay stuck and remain miserable.

Glad to see things are well with you. Take care and keep posting when you can.

WH


AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
J marries OW 1/24/15
"No matter where you go, there you are"
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