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#2671777 04/25/16 10:14 PM
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Hi everyone, I have been lurking here for a couple of weeks, wish I had posted sooner but here is my story, where I stand and wondering what I should do next. Sorry if my post ends up long. And yes, I know I made a loot of DB mistakes and no-no's.

W (29) and I (33) have been married only 7 months, been together for 4.5 years, have a 2 year old.

I got the ILYBNILWY comment after she stopped wearing her wedding ring in January and I straight up asked her if she still loved me. I knew deep down she was having a at the very least an EA, but I was just in complete denial and tried to just change a lot of what she had complained about (and there were plenty of things I was lacking). I found out about the PA on February 15th. We were supposed to be leaving for California that week to take my D to Disneyland and to see my parents. We decided to take a cooling off week, I took the trip to CA with my D and she went home to her parents in Wisconsin.

While in CA I discovered that this was way more than just a fling, I read the e-mails and this had reached a very serious stage, lots of ILY's, him talking about leaving his wife and kids (he had 5) for my wife. I returned home and confronted my wife and told her that this had to stop, that she had to cease contact and we had to go to counseling. She left that night and told me she had quit her job (the OM is a chef at a restaurant she worked at) and was going to Wisconsin again because she needed time and space.

I ended up getting her to come home about 10 days later on the agreement that she was going to completely cease contact and we were going to return to therapy, she gave me her word that she truly wanted to be together and was going to try and move on. About 2 weeks into it I lost my grandmother and I took my daughter to Michigan for the funeral. My wife stayed in Chicago because she had just gotten a new job and was still in training that weekend. Upon returning things started to take a turn, she quit her job because she didn't like the very early hours on the weekends, but I suspected it was for other reasons. And ofcourse a couple of days later I get the "we need to talk, I'm not happy" , and she tells me that she wants to move back to her parents seek a legal separation and eventually a divorce. I was not happy and we fought non stop before she finally left. I asked her about OM and if this had anything to do with him and she told me, only in that she was depressed she hadn't spoken to him for a few weeks, but that she just didn't love me anymore and the separation had nothing to do with him.She left and we both agreed not to date during the separation, and she knew how I felt about the OM or any of his 5 kids being around my daughter.

Since going up there my wife had been very cold and distant to me, completely shooting down any ideas of reconciliation and saying that I couldn't stop her from divorcing me and that it was over. I did something I probably shouldn't have done and I hacked into her e-mail account this past Thursday. I found pretty graphic text messages that she had emailed herself from her phone, screen shots of themselves talking dirty and talking about wanting to see each other soon. I snapped and called her and said I was coming to take our daughter because my W is out of control, my MIL got on the phone and threatened to call the police if I came up there. I did call the next day and apologize to MIL for the argument and MIL acknowledged that I had reason to be upset but assured me that OM was not going to see my daughter while my W was living at there home.

W came down today to pickup my D after I had her for the weekend. We went for ice cream and again wife straight up told me that she had no interest in reconciliation, no interest in any kind of counseling (I mentioned DB center in Illinois) or anything like that. She went on her way, and I didn't know what to think, was it really over?

I called her tonight, I planned on it being my final phone call to her before going dark as best I can while splitting a child. I told her that I knew why she couldn't reconcile right now, I told her she could never love me because she is still so in love with him, that she knows deep down that she gave up to soon on the marriage, that she made a mistake falling for him, that she knows it's in our best interests to stay married etc. etc. I talked for a good 15 minutes, and she never interrupted me like she usually does. Finally I stopped and asked her if all of this was true and she said most of it was. I went on to say how I can't wait forever, that I still want to make this work but I can't wait years for her to end things with this man and come back to our family. I eventually need to move on with or without hurt. And she softly said "I know"

My question now is, what do I do from here. I have done a pretty nice job at GAL since this happened, even she mentioned that. At this point should I go dark and pull away, or should I try and follow this up with maybe trying to get her to counseling or DB coaching?

Thanks everyone,

Fin


Me-33 W-29
D- 2
M- 8 months, T- 3.5 years
BD Feb 15 2015
S 4/12/16
W says she plans to file for d
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-67, D35,S34
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Life is so bittersweet sometimes.

I was just offered a promotion to our Los Angeles office. I came clean to my boss about everything that is going on and how leaving my daughter and WW behind would be a challenge. He was understanding and told me to take a few days to decide.

Still don't know how to handle communication with WW


Me-33 W-29
D- 2
M- 8 months, T- 3.5 years
BD Feb 15 2015
S 4/12/16
W says she plans to file for d
Joined: Nov 2009
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Originally Posted By: Fin
I was just offered a promotion to our Los Angeles office.

DO whatever is the BEST for YOU!


Me-67, D35,S34
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Hello Fin,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

At this point you can't get her to do anything so trying to get her to go to counseling would likely backfire on you. Detaching and GAL activities are enormously helpful. Going completely dark would be challenging since you have a daughter that you want to be involved with.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial (especially regarding how to handle the job offer in LA.) Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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I talked to the W today about the job offer and she told me to do what I think is best for myself, she reiterated to me again that she has no plans at all to reconcile. She says she isn't speaking to the OM anymore, I just have a hard time believing that because it was not even 2 weeks ago they were telling each other ILY and meeting up at hotels.

I still feel like a piece of me is missing, but I do feel better about my overall outlook on life outside the separation. I think as of now I am going to take the job in CA and really distance myself from her. But at this point, I am as pessimistic as I have been about reconciling since this whole thing started.


Me-33 W-29
D- 2
M- 8 months, T- 3.5 years
BD Feb 15 2015
S 4/12/16
W says she plans to file for d
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 25
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Fin Offline OP
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WW had a rough day yesterday, I am working from home this week so I could spend more time with my daughter before likely leaving for California. Could tell when I had my D facetime her that she had been crying, I briefly spoke to her and she said she was no longer talking to the OM, I didn't push on who ended it, it could have been him but I also think my MIL may have told her that the affair was not going to continue while she was staying there, my MIL is very tough, but she is also fair and promised me the OM would never be around my daughter as long as she was living there.

Sometimes she says she is 100% done but then she leaves the littlest crack open every once in awhile. Today she told me OM made her feel so loved and she didn't think I could ever do that. I mentioned that I was taking the job out west and perhaps now was the time to just move on, she ofcourse asked me right away if I had filed already and then when I said no she says "Well, maybe in 4 months or so we can see where we are in life." But I don't anticipate reconciliation.

I think she is afraid of me filing for D, she is a total cake eater right now and it's actually making me consider that more and more.


Me-33 W-29
D- 2
M- 8 months, T- 3.5 years
BD Feb 15 2015
S 4/12/16
W says she plans to file for d
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She wants to have you secured as her backup plan.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Fin,

How are you going to handle living so far apart from your daughter? Is that something you think you can realistically do?

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