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A Message from Michele
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Re: KGirl - new life, new stuff #2 [Re: KGirl] #2757340
08/21/17 09:39 AM
08/21/17 09:39 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
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25yearsmlc Offline
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[quote=KGirl]Thanks, all. Yes, I agree I am not detached enough/would be looking for info/would definitely not be able to handle it if he did show up as well, so I don't think I can go. I'm not exactly in the need for more male friends, particularly ones that live an hour or more away,

Whoah, an hour away? Oh, no way on a weekend night?...God no...



so I'm not sure this is where I would want to spend my relationship-building energy. Maybe if we had all really become friends it would be different but most of them I met once at XBF's birthday party for a few hours.

unless you need new people in your life, and live in a small town, this^^ seems really labor intensive for people you only met once.


My friends IRL were feeling like XBF's communications with me indicated that he did indeed think I was waiting around for him and that he could just pick up when/if he felt like it, so I decided to clarify things and sent a: "To be clear, I am not waiting around for you, and will be seeing other people. If your circumstances/situation changes you're welcome to get in touch, but I make no guarantees."

oh man, I wish you had asked around for advice on this.^^ Sending him a message to say you are not going to wait around, just undermines the message itself.

Do you get what I mean?


His response was: "Thanks for letting me know, I hope you find happiness." *Shrug* so OK, that was helpful because it put me out of the sort of denial phase of "well maybe he'll still come back, he said maybe in a few weeks?" to the "OK, yep, definitely time to put him out of sight/mind" phase.


well if it helps you move on, then that's a silver lining. Use it for doing that.


And with the friends thing, that's the other reason I can't do it - the only way I've found to be able to get over people is if I completely cut all contact/social media/etc. with them, otherwise I keep holding out hope for them (probably because in all of the situations they've been the ones dumping me/I still wanted the R).


so would it be fair to infer that either your "picker" of men has you picking men who are not really available OR you push them too much and scare them off?

Any chance you can bring that up with your IC? BTW, sidetone - I have gone to T every few years for tune ups or "major overhauls" in my life. When my dad died, when my mom died, when h had his first Alaskan obsession and now...etc.

I have had to shop around a bit b/c I am not a patient who wants the T to merely listen and validate. I want guidance or insights and their help in figuring out what I need to DO or see differently. I have liked or loved all of them but some were/are more helpful than others. Right now I have the best T I have ever had, and she was referred to me by a friend who is a T and knows me. Incredibly helpful and I feel better and am DOING more with my life than I would have otherwise.

I can't recall if you said you have a T now or will get one. But it's so useful when you need new tools.



Still working on internalizing that this guy was NOT behaving in a way that would have been sustainable, and certainly not in the way that I've written down are my must-have needs (staying in touch and filling me on his life; dependable, reliable, follows through on what he says, does what he says he'll do).

This ^^ guy is missing almost every one of your deal breakers. You are hurt now but if you had spent a year of your life with him only to be here anyhow, isn't it better to know now? I honestly don't get the appeal of this r. Sorry.

Where the head goes, the heart will follow...if you let it.

What was your parents m like? And what type of R do you have with your dad?


Need to work on thinking of this as a reprieve instead of a rejection.


Yes you dodged a bullet. Maybe when you have a healthy r you will see this more clearly.



Leaving in a bit to see if I can catch any of this eclipse business with a colleague who managed to nab eclipse glasses (though it's quite cloudy here!) and then headed for my free casino hotel overnight stay. I really have no plans besides... gambling? pool/hot tub time? relax on the balcony with a book? bring a bottle of champagne? Go to the fancy supper club nearby (maybe too much to eat at a table alone for a 3 course meal, but I could sit at the bar with an old fashioned and an app?) Whatever I feel like, I guess! laugh

I'm still funny about eating full meals on my own but I'm a different generation AND really, I need to work on this! Why should we feel weird about it? Women travel and women eat, (OMG even without someone else!!)

I bring my Nook and headphones in case I choose to watch a video . If you Sit at the bar, you may tend to attract attention BUT hey, maybe you want that?

Enjoy what you have been given, = TIME and FREEDOM. They are not endless. I'm living alone for the first time in my life (no offense to my dog). I swear to God, I LIKE IT.

Who knew? I've raised 3 kids and sometimes I cannot see marrying again. I like men and envision having romance in my life again, but at this time, marriage is not as needed as it once was.

Someday you will be married, and these jaunts won't come often. ENJOY yourself
!

I also bought a bike Sunday in-between when I sent the "not waiting" message and getting a response so when I'm feeling down, I'm trying to think about that and how fun it will be to zoom around and explore new places.

Your life is going to improve and I can't wait to hear about what you create.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: KGirl - new life, new stuff #2 [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2757487
08/22/17 06:36 AM
08/22/17 06:36 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
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Posts: 667
I see what you mean about not needing to declare I'm not waiting around. Since things were left a bit up in the air, I felt sort of dishonest/not right reactivating my online dating sites, talking to people, etc. without letting him know that's what I was doing. For all I know he still thought we'd pick back up in a few weeks once he got his life organized *shrug*.

I'm not sure if it's "bad picking" or scaring them, but I'm leaning towards "bad picking". With this last guy, he kept saying he was worried that he couldn't offer me what I needed and I thought I was being reassuring and not to pressure-y or clingy, saying that I had no problem seeing each other once a week or so, I didn't need anything more than that, etc. But perhaps for this particular guy any sort of need to think about someone else's emotions/feelings/consider them was too much pressure and scary. I mean, he did tell me on our first date "a complaint I've had from GFs is that I'm too selfish with my time... but I play way less video games now.. and my family says that means I just haven't found the right person that I'm willing to make the time for!".... The guy before this last guy, ended up moving back to his home state to be closer to his family. When I met him he was still in the midst of what was apparently a very stressful divorce (losing hair, anti-anxiety medication, etc.) and it was finalized a month after we started dating. The next month he said he didn't know anyone in our state/city except me and he just really needed to be around his family and have their support. So I think that's also a case of bad-picking (someone who is not in the right mindframe or stage to look for a serious R) rather than scaring them.

So yes, I should have listened then. Why didn't I despite having an inkling that he was going to have some deal breakers? Attraction, I guess. His personality/sense of humor was what I was looking for (after meeting lots of people that were what I felt was "boring"), he seemed to have his life together in other ways and was successful (job, done with school, no debt, buying a house, etc.), and I felt really comfortable around him - like I could be myself. I enjoyed spending time with him. I guess I let my heart run that one and ignored my head/logic. I distinctly remember after date 2 or 3 telling a friend "ooof, I'm in trouble. I'm totally falling for this guy but I feel like maybe it's a bad idea" and trying to persuade myself that some minor personality differences ("he just goes with the flow more!") weren't that big of a deal... in actuality they manifested themselves into super flakyness/lack of ability to show or demonstrate care or interest in me/inability to follow through or take initiative/just ran away when life got overwhelming.

My friends say I need to give the "boring" people more of a chance and go on more dates with them and realize that perhaps the "boring" ones will provide the stability, communication, etc. that I need. Maybe, but why do I have to compromise? Can't there be someone interesting and fun and attractive and chemistry and ALSO stability and communication and emotional availability??

I made an appointment with my IC but I couldn't get in until Sept. 11. We've talked about how I'm looking for guidance and "things to do" moreso than just active listening (having gone through a social work program I am familiar with it all) and she was pretty responsive too that. I just need to be efficient and make the most of the time so that it doesn't take 5 or 10 appts to get anywhere, it's expensive!

Yikes, parent's M. They're still married although growing up I was always certain they'd get D'ed at one point or another, I think they are still together for convenience (they sleep in separate rooms). My mom was/is somewhat of a hoarder, tends to spend a lot of money, gets very dramatic and emotional about things. My dad has OCD and is very stingy, and growing up it was constant fighting about one thing or another. To the point where on school nights I'd sometimes crack my head out of my room and yell "CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SO I CAN GET SOME SLEEP?" I really couldn't wait to be out of there and try to limit my time with them all together. I saw my mom last weekend but the last time I saw my dad was Mother's Day, and my parents live only an hour away. My dad also issues with "sex addiction"/runs an AA-type therapy group in my hometown (which has also caused issues because in a small town you're not really that anonymous) and I've found it's best just to disengage. Our last difficult interaction was him leaving me a voicemail on my phone after an IC appt, saying he was sorry if he was a bad father and he felt like he didn't do a good job, and he wondered why I didn't ask him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding? Which made no sense because both he AND my mom walked me down together so I honestly think he got confused with my sister (who had no one walk her down) and then I couldn't even take any of it seriously. So yeah, there are issues there, which made it all the harder when XBF would see his parents once or twice a week but couldn't make time for me. I never brought it up to him or mentioned it but I didn't/don't understand why he couldn't have been more flexible on that and made time for me but maybe that's because his family dynamic is so different, that I'd never understand it - I would have no problem telling my family I had other things I needed to do or people I needed to spend time with if they were becoming too much.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl - new life, new stuff #2 [Re: KGirl] #2757740
08/23/17 02:09 PM
08/23/17 02:09 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
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K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
To just top things all off, this guy was supposed to mail back this necklace (and refused to meet my friends or have someone come get it), right? So I get a postcard in the mail today. It's a postage due notice. He didn't put enough postage on it. He put 3 stamps on like a bubble envelope package and thought that would work. I had to go to the post office and pay to get my own things back. SERIOUSLY. I cannot even comprehend how thoughtless people can be. Then one of his friends mentioned they were all invited to his new house Saturday. So much for being too busy to make time for people/a relationship. It was all a lie (but I know you all knew that anyway... I just needed to get it through my head).


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl - new life, new stuff #2 [Re: KGirl] #2757745
08/23/17 03:12 PM
08/23/17 03:12 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
2
25yearsmlc Offline
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
((( KGirl )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: KGirl - new life, new stuff #2 [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2757747
08/23/17 03:45 PM
08/23/17 03:45 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline
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Posts: 3,500
Quote:
I'm not sure if it's "bad picking" or scaring them, but I'm leaning towards "bad picking". With this last guy, he kept saying he was worried that he couldn't offer me what I needed and I thought I was being reassuring and not to pressure-y or clingy, saying that I had no problem seeing each other once a week or so, I didn't need anything more than that, etc. But perhaps for this particular guy any sort of need to think about someone else's emotions/feelings/consider them was too much pressure and scary. I mean, he did tell me on our first date "a complaint I've had from GFs is that I'm too selfish with my time... but I play way less video games now.. and my family says that means I just haven't found the right person that I'm willing to make the time for!".... The guy before this last guy, ended up moving back to his home state to be closer to his family. When I met him he was still in the midst of what was apparently a very stressful divorce (losing hair, anti-anxiety medication, etc.) and it was finalized a month after we started dating.


Is it possible that you're picking a string of unavailables because you don't actually want a relationship so much as something to do?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: KGirl - new life, new stuff #2 [Re: Maybell] #2757776
08/24/17 01:09 AM
08/24/17 01:09 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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Posts: 667
I guess that's possible on some subconscious level that I'm not realizing, or that I'm actually ambivalent. In my conscious thoughts though I reaaally want a committed relationship and all the benefits that come with it. I think I have enough other things to do that it's not a boredom thing, and it can in fact be significantly more work/there are not so fun things about relationships (like having to keep my apt clean-ish!) but I'm willing to do them because I know the trade-off of having that sort of relationship in my life will be worth it.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl - new life, new stuff #2 [Re: KGirl] #2757794
08/24/17 02:35 AM
08/24/17 02:35 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,887
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Georgiabelle Offline
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K,

I'm sorry but at least you got the jewelry. Just a guess here...I'm not sure I buy the not wanting a relationship. I think you may be facing what many people go thru. Sometimes we want people who don't want the same things we do or they don't want them with us. Regardless, it's a waste of energy and makes us feel rejected even though that's not technically the case.

I think the key is going for people that want the same things we do. And if their actions don't align, then they probably aren't "in" it. Why continue to waste your time with someone who isn't giving you what you want?

Hang in there, K!


Me-42 xh-41
3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Re: KGirl - new life, new stuff #2 [Re: Georgiabelle] #2757801
08/24/17 03:16 AM
08/24/17 03:16 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
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K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
Every time I get those rejected feelings, I'm trying to remind myself that what he's actually rejected is not ME, but: having to think, having to care, having to make effort, and having to recognize someone's needs other than his own. And ultimately I have rejected him stepping all over me by not putting up with this "being put on hold" nonsense. Hopefully it works...


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: KGirl - new life, new stuff #2 [Re: KGirl] #2757807
08/24/17 03:37 AM
08/24/17 03:37 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 4,183
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Ginger1 Online
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I think you do want a relationship. Probably so badly, that you hope the wrong person will become the right one.

I've been guilty of it.

I think his whole putting the relationship on hold thing and not having the time thing was a chicken [censored] tactic of ending things. The truth is, he has the time for things he prioritizes, and he just couldn't end it the way a man should. He had no intention of picking things back up eventually. I hate to say it, but I wanted to, because I know you kind of clung to that so tightly.

My last guy gave me some BS of wanting to be friends so badly, and if we were are meant to be in the future we will be, and if he was wrong about this, he hopes I will forgive him someday. It was a bunch of BS. He has ignored the 2 texts I sent him, got rid of me on all social media, and never spoke to me again after the first week we broke up. he had a new GF in no time flat. He lives as if I don't exist, and quite honestly, it really is what's best for both of us.

I know feeling rejected is the worst. But because he was BSing about the not enough time thing, it still is not a reflection on you at all. I used to think when a guy rejected me there was something wrong with me, I wasn't good enough, ect. Then I realize I am simply not what they want or need. Which does not make me unworthy. It just makes us want different things, at different paces, in different ways.

For the right guy you will be a priority. You just haven't found him yet, but you will.

Re: KGirl - new life, new stuff #2 [Re: Ginger1] #2757836
08/24/17 06:27 AM
08/24/17 06:27 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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KGirl Offline OP
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KGirl  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
Sigh. Yes. I really need to get over feeling like I've "lost" something/given an irreplaceable part of myself away when things don't work out with someone or I start to recognize it's not a good idea. I tend to hold onto things past their expiration date and have a hard time baking out, I think partly because I didn't even date before getting married, my XH was the first person I slept with, and every successive person makes me feel like "great, one more person to add to the tally." Maybe I just need to do a better job of waiting to get physical/more serious with someone until I have a much better sense of what they're about smirk otherwise I end up feeling like I need to justify my "investment" in that person and it makes it harder to leave.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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