KGirl - new life, new stuff #2

[KGirl]

Welp, that didn't last long. New guy started to get "busy", wasn't making much of an effort to meet up with me, etc. This time I trusted my gut and asked "so I feel like I've been pushing a lot lately to get together and it's been hard to pin you down, I'm not sure what that means?" I then got the "yeah I do want to see you because there are some things on my mind I need to say" and I was like "nope I'm not waiting three days to hear what I think you have to say, tell me now." And as I sort of expected, I got the "I think you're great and attractive and funny but I keep asking myself if I could see a relationship with you and I can't now so I think maybe that means I won't... and to be honest I do want to meet and date other people.. it's too bad we didn't meet at a better time.. etc." I feel like I was the rebound... I guess I'm not surprised considering he met me a month after a three year relationship ended and I was the first person he dated. Would it really have been different if I was the fifth or tenth person he met? Dunno, but maybe telling myself that is easier, because I really liked him, so much more than anyone I had met since XBF, and I thought it could be a thing.

Oh well. I let him know if things change and he realizes how d*mn awesome I am, he knows where to find me, but I can't sit and wait while he decides what he wants and dates other people. Lesson learned - if someone gets weird after the exclusive talk, DON'T proceed with things I'm not willing to do if you're not exclusive (I just told myself "well it'll be ok, in practice he's not dating anyone else, he's just reluctant to say it" - nope, clearly it was on his mind even if he wasn't acting on it). I just got done writing my 3 page angry letter that won't get sent, so feeling slightly better.

[zew]

I let him know if things change and he realizes how d*mn awesome I am, he knows where to find me, but I can't sit and wait while he decides what he wants and dates other people.

Good for you. Acknowledge your awesomeness and don't let anyone (including yourself) devalue it. Good job on the letter written but not sent.

Sorry things didn't work out this time, KG, but your attitude is stellar - brings a smile to my face.

You've come a long, long way. You're going to be just fine.

[KGirl]

Ha, I'm trying...things are sort of a mind**** right now and I'm trying to keep my cool and not overthink things. I had told this guy that I didn't do friends/couldn't keep talking because I would get my hopes up. So what does he do but send me a random snapchat yesterday of a package he got in the mail? Don't get it, not sure what it means (if anything), trying to assume that it means nothing (instead of jumping to the "he misses me! he made a mistake! etc. etc" conclusion).

[Zues126]

I see it as more of a "I didn't have a problem with the way things were, let's see if we can just keep it going that way or if she really means what she said..."

Not that he is thinking that dismissively on purpose, he probably just truly liked the way it was working and is having a hard time letting go of THAT relationship. Not the one you want. The one HE wants.

[KGirl]

^ that makes sense. ARGH. It's frustrating because he referenced all these things that he liked about "what we had"... so how is that not enough? And I really thought we had a good thing going so it s*cks when you realize you weren't on the same page as someone else/didn't experience it in the same way. This immediately followed a weekend long party binge for him for a friend's 30th birthday out of town so it's niggling at me that that might have had something to do with it, but *shrug* if someone is easily swayed enough by something a friend said, or a girl that said hi to him at a bar, then they're not worth my time, I suppose.

I think the most frustrating thing for me about this "thing" (I don't think 6 weeks qualifies as a relationship) is that I said something about how this s*cks and I don't treat things like sleeping with someone lightly. His response: "just so you know, I don't take sex lightly either. That was a huge deal for me." .....? OK, then why do it if you weren't more committed to seeing where things go? I mean, people have the right to change their minds but *throws hands in the air at people's inconsistencies*

[KGirl]

Welp, it's been awhile. A long while, actually! Since my divorce I've now been in three relationships ("relationships"? something that got physical and was more than just a few dates..) and in all three the other person has been the one to end it. Back after the first one my therapist had said "your XH and this one BF do not make a pattern" but now I'm starting to wonder, since I'm the common denominator in all of them. Or is it just that I kick/reject people out much earlier on (like after a first date) and once I'm in, I'm just committed enough to not end it. Or too scared to not end it? I did notice that with the latest guy, I definitely got into a "one down" sort of thing... and then couldn't believe when he decided to move to a different state and that I wasn't good enough for him to want to stay here, because I was d*mn sure I was better than anything he was offering!

Dating is discouraging, relationships are discouraging, I look online and no one is appealing... there are no guys at work... none of my friends know any single guys... I'm trying to be happy on my own but it's been a pretty flippin' rough road. I'm convinced I need to find a widower because then at least I'll meet someone who actually knows how to be in a relationship/is emotionally ready and available for one. It's hard to keep putting yourself out there and trusting someone, just for them to keep breaking your heart. And with this last guy, I REALLY put myself out there after being unsure of a few things (like.. he was allergic to cats.. and I have two cats), after friends and coworkers cajoled me to "take a chance" and "don't sabotage something that could be great! don't give up before you even started." Ha. I guess I just have to have faith that statistically speaking I will meet someone as long as I keep trying.

[KGirl]

On the positive side, I went on a lovely solo trip to Las Vegas last week. I think part of my blues is the post-vacation, back to real world blues, now that there's not that to look forward to. Lots of sun and food and drinks and I met a few other people from different states and countries via a Solo Las Vegas FB group so I didn't have to be alone the whole time! Already thinking about when I can go back...

[SunnyB]

KGirl, , so happy to hear from you! I'll try to write later but just wanted you to know I'm here and listening.

[Maybell]

Hi, K!

If your friends have to talk you into taking a chance and not giving up too quickly, why bother with him? Don't go all in until you're excited.

When I was in my 20's, before Mr. Fantastic, I also kicked guys out pretty quickly... and looking back, I see no reason why I should have kept them around. Guys who were great on paper but boring or didactic... guys who were cute but boring... Only once did I blow someone off that in retrospect might have been a great match. But he had a super redneck accent!! The fact that I gave up for such a shallow reason shows that *I* was a bad match for *him* at that time. So *he* dodged a bullet there.

Don't assume that a widower has the market cornered on relationship skills. We're all just doing the best we can, and some of us have done more work than others. My Guy talks circles around me on the emotional stuff, but he's still working with ME. His relationship skills are only as good as his ability to relate to me. If you think about the friendships you have that you really value, you probably will see that none of them are perfect enough that you'd want to be married to them, but they all have some quality that is really important to you. Same with the romantic relationship. It has to work on both sides. Your friends' input is really pretty irrelevant. If you're not feeling it, why push it? If you hide yourself in a mediocre "relationship" you might miss a good one.

With My Guy, I'm coming to the realization that a good relationship isn't necessarily what I thought it was. I thought it was like Shrek and Fiona, or something like that, where you're laughing all the time. And at moments it is. But it's also all the times that aren't film-worthy, like when it's Saturday afternoon and I NEED to get the laundry done and he NEEDS to go for a bike ride and we have to figure out how to make our time work so both our needs get met and we still get time together. It's me getting used to how he feels about hot weather and his family and skiing and a whole bunch of things I never had to think about before. How well I handle his stuff and how well he handles mine is an important part of what makes the relationship good or bad.

Take some time not dating! I don't know if you're a believer or not, but a friend of mine who married later in life told me that she believed that if God made you to want to be married, that he would not put that yearning in your life without also giving you the opportunity to fulfill it. But you have to be willing to sit back and follow your instincts to find the path that gets you to the right person. Sure, it's important to put yourself out there, but it's also important to be available.

Thanks for updating! I'm glad to hear from you.

[KGirl]

Hi Maybell!

Yeah, I tend to fluctuate/struggle between "maybe I shouldn't hang my hat on what I think is ideal.. maybe I should step outside my comfort zone and maybe some things aren't really dealbreakers.. there's only so many guys and I can't be that picky" vs. "I'm not being too picky, I just know what I want and settling never ends well." Not sure how to balance that quite yet, I guess. I do think I have a habit of chasing after the lost puppies/wanting to try to help or fix someone and following those leads (but telling myself it's "giving someone a chance and keeping an open mind") rather than people who are emotionally available/ready for a relationship. How else did I manage to 1) find someone who had never been in a relationship with someone in real life, 2) find someone whose ex-girlfriend wasn't even moved out yet, 3) find someone who was still getting divorced and telling me how I was so much nicer to him than his ex-wife and my main virtue was that I "didn't yell at him"? Apparently I'm not good at identifying this problematic issues or am willing to overlook them, and I'm not sure what that says about my availability, either.

I hear that about how things aren't all sunshine and unicorns. I feel like I am willing to do the work and I know things are hard and won't always be perfect. But somehow I keep getting involved with people who run or give up the first time something gets hard (or just decide they "aren't feeling it") and then I get frustrated that I was willing to put in the work and they were not. I'm not religious but hopefully I can generally have faith/trust that eventually it will work out. I mean, statistically speaking, most people who are looking for marriage find it eventually, right? :S I do have some older coworkers that are not but they have intentionally chosen that and aren't interested in relationships at this point.