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Bloody hell, Ive never seen this on these boards... A brand spankin' approach (pun intended...)

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You need to develop a transparency plan, and if she doesn't agree to it, you will have her answer about her intentions of faithfulness.

She should not know when you decide to check her messages. That is your decision. She needs to be accountable.

You cannot expect her to have contact with the OM and simply trust her to do the right thing. She is addicted. The addiction has to be dealt with before she can be trusted again. A transparency plan will help her.

If she returns to her present place of employment, she and OM will be together, b/c the addiction is stronger than the punishment you gave her. Once she stops contact with the OM, she will crave it and even go through a sort of withdrawal. She will feel depressed, and maybe anxious, but it is part of the withdrawal process. It takes a period of time for her to go through this, and if she & OM ever make contact........she has to start at square one again. By that I mean the withdrawal process starts over.

So the first step to ending the A is no type of contact. Just seeing a picture of him, or reading something on FB about him can trigger her feelings for him.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thank you Sandi. I will not doubt your wisdom again.When you described previously was true and i did not want to believe them then, I believed through everything my wife was still trustworthy and aboveboard. She will not have that benefit of a doubt now.

I had put together a rough tranparency plan together for both OM and my wife. They had agreed to it and i have OM's wifes buy in. I will need to work more on this.

Originally Posted By: TimR
I gotta agree with Rose.... Sorry to be blunt but your plan sounds as though you are physically and emotionally brow beating her to stay with you. Maybe I am not so caught up on your thread that I am misunderstanding?


Originally Posted By: CWOL
Is that from the Islamic tradition in Brunei?


Where i am from respect for you family, parents, elders and marriage is deeply rooted. Its not just a Brunei thing, its an asian culture. Marriage is put up there on a holy pedestal, along with respect of elders and parents etc. We do not have a cavalier attitude to marriage and infidelity like more western countries.

She lied then carried on with a man in public ~ a gross disrespect to our marriage and to me as her husband. In fact a taboo in the eyes of the public. It couldnt go unpunished. Could i have handled it differently? sure. I suppose.

I did not spank her to make her stay.

Rose: The chat i screenshot was purely the OM messaging my wife. So it looks like he is the douche pursuing my wife. As he is the branch manager of her office i feel very happy today he is going to walk in to office and everyone knows what hes up to. So yea that was more for me and to bring his reputation down a notch. Childish sure. Satisfying Yes.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Infidelity is a punishable offence in my country and infact most countries in south east asia including non-muslim countries. Its a generally considered a taboo. Thats how highly marriage is regarded in these areas by the law, people and the culture.

Doesnt mean people arnt doing it left and right but its taken that seriously. Ofcourse times are also changing.


In anycase i come from a line of people to take vows very seriously. So does my wifes and her parents, she finally acknowledged the shame last night. I dont believe it was because of the spanking but it did help wake her up a little bit. Plus now she has to acknowledge that she cannot disrespect our marriage and get away scot free.

Will this fix our marriage, nope. There is much work to be done, i also feel i have to atone for raising my hand even if it was to her butt cheeks. I have never raised my hand in over 11 years of M and I dont like what i have become and i have told her so. She has apologised for this also, acknowledging her role in this.

Disclaimer: i do not recommend trying this with your wifes. My W and I come from deeply rooted asian cultures. Although if any of you do try it be most interesting read smile


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Apr 2016
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update:

So the spanking and direct confrontation with OM seems to have killed the EA. That and taking away their primary means of secretly communication with each other.

At the office they are scrutinized and my sources have confirmed the OM is keeping his distance. While this is good im still pushing for the job change since my W offered.

We live in a small country so keeping tabs is easy plus her office are mostly married and i hate to say it same race as me and my wife whereas the OM is of different minority. So there is a racism factor that is involved that works to my favour in making sure OM keeps his distance in the office. Im loathe to say it but Yaay for racism?!?

W has communicated her intention to be faithful but I am following Sandhi's rule, Believe none what they say and 50% what the do. We both acknowledge however this does not fix our marriage.

So now im alittle confused on what my next step is, i would DB but i am also ensuring the EA is dead, dead, dead. Suffocated, beaten and left to rot dead. Heavy handed yes but hey its gotten through to my W.

Side musings:
Im trying to imagine if i could have handled it differently, im referring to the spanking. I can honestly imagine i cannot. Maybe its my upbringing, even today spanking kids are allowed in my society ~ its not common anymore but it is not frowned upon either.

I want to ask my father about this but to my knowledge he has never raised his hand to my mother yet my mother would never disrespect my dad that way either. Were it vice versa i know my mum has said she would cut off his balls if he tried cheating sooo maybe the are just a pair in this.

I know if i bring it up to W parents they would side with me. Its would probably break W's mums heart to know her daughter has been acting this way.

At the core of it i feel guilty for what i did but at the same time i cannot imagine doing it any other way. I don't believe in soft touch / approach for such a gross offense.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 436
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Can someone help me out, What are the signs of W temp checking? or the like.

Im a little confused at my wifes behaviour, light cheery and jovial (with me) during the day then ice queen at night. I know i shouldnt be reading into it much and focus on my DB but it just catches me off guard from time to time.

I do the DB thing but i realise now when i look at her sometimes i might be coming off as way to pursuey. I have to work on my poker face which coincedentally pre-DB i was very good at but now its like someone took away all my best / cool qualities and left me with the un-cool attributes.

I have been seriously thinking about turning to god. My wife and i have never been religious though we come from religious backgrounds / families. Its funny now im willing to call on any higher power to help me save my marriage.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Jan 2016
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Natus,

Temp checking is her taking action to see if it pushes any buttons to get you to react negatively so she has more excuses to spew all over you and justify why the M will not work.

Hope some of the vets can explain/define more appropriately.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Okay thanks JimKao.

I guess i wonder if im being played, the nice happy wife who initiates texts and conversation etc then suddenly later on in the day complete opposite.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Oct 2015
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First principles: believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.

You can't be played if you detach and live YOUR life without keying on what she says/does.

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How do you detach? i been trying and the only thing i can think of is give up on her. Give up the marriage.

Is there a way to really detach while still working to save M?


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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