This forum, Sandi's rules and bizarrely Justin Bieber helped to bring my W back to me. She was distant for a period until I confronted her in February. Then the next day I got the ILYBINILWY. What a roller-coaster! She went to visit a female friend in another city for a wknd, but also a MF for lunch. She did not want me, nor her female friend with for lunch with him, but I could not connect the dots.
She started doing strange things, asking even stranger things, who was this mutant that just wanted a D at all costs? But through deduction, I realized that she was indeed infatuated with this MF. God brought him into our lives for a reason, as he was a devout Christian and turned her away. But how did she get to that point – the W that was looking forward to a 10 year anniversary?
It is human to err, and she had a very long moment of weakness. I’m hoping that counselling (starting next week) will bring out the real reasons.
I realized a few things: I cannot stop my heart from loving her, and this whole debacle actually made me realise how much I do love her. I have no doubt that in a few years time, I may have been the one stating ILYBINILWY. That scares me. She was feeling guilt for allowing someone into our relationship. She could not deal with what she almost did and she felt that the only way to punish herself for what she did was a divorce. She could not see a future with me, not because of me, but because of her.
I even took my wedding ring off, removed her from all social media, even her contact number on my phone. I needed her to realise what she was going to lose, and once she realized that, she would realise that she was in fact in love with me, and that she had been weak and made a mistake.
Obviously, my story is a lucky one, but in most cases, the OP will take advantage. The W had no-one to turn to and was forced to deal with her own issues.
This is day 16 from her return from the city visit and day 1 of our new marriage.
In conclusion, i do not think that a MLC exists, i think that a S has a moment of weakness, doubts their love and then gives into that weakness. Then the only way to deal with the guilt is to get away, move on and "find yourself", because how can someone with so much control over their life, lose it. how can someone do something like that to the person that they love.
i would love to know what your thoughts are on this theory?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It's great to read a success story and inspiring to see how strong you where from the get go. I've been through this was whilst he had an affair. When that ended we go back together quickly, so quick that I don't think he tackled his own demons. It is easier to blame me for unhappiness rather than address that this is all him. He has tuned in and out for months before delivering me with this again and the inevitable big d convo he wants.
I guess what I've learnt from you here is this is all his issue. It isn't me, although that doesn't help me and this pain. But the way you made her SEE that sense of loss is what tells me what I need to do. He needs to see that he actually stands to loose me- and that needs to scare him
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I plan to share this perspective with as many people as possible and am even thinking of studying psychology to obtain a real theory. It will make for a great thesis!
My mother has been great support, something i never needed before and never realised i had at my disposal. She couldn't tell me it outright, but she knew that the MF was the real reason my wife wanted a divorce.
I've been reading through other posts, right now, and have picked up that the...
1. S falls in love (or thinks that they do) with OP 2. They feel guilty about those feelings (most act on them) 3. They feel that marriage is then not for them if they're able to love someone else 4. D is the only way out of a marriage 5. BOMB DROP DAY!
You did nothing wrong, lift your head high and be proud of what you did for your relationship. But make them miss what they had. Detach, Detach and Detach some more. I even took my wedding ring off, and only plan to put it on if, and when we renew our vows.
They must see what they will lose, make it real. I told my W, since you are unsure if you want a D, then i will make you sure - and I said that i want a D.
This had an immediate effect. They have lost control of their life, so you need to take that control that they are pushing onto you away. Its not them asking now - Its you.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
A mid-life crisis is most certainly a real thing. But don't let me digress, the real question is - once a person has an affair, especially a PA, can one really trust that person again? I mean, 100% fully trust them?
I'm not trying to start an argument in any form, it's just a legit question.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Don't get me wrong, I dread every email and TM from her right now, as she may just drop another bomb on me. That is something that i need to deal with.
I don't think that you will ever trust that person the same way that you did. And perhaps you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel that you can trust. I told my S before she went to the other city that every action has consequences. If that means that I need to find someone that will love me better, then so be it.
I cannot protect my heart, but i can protect my sanity.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
You sound so brave. I think you can love them, but not in the same way. It's not as innocent. And you spend quite a bit of time being upset. Part of the problem with my h is that in the beginning he would comfort me. Then it got to "are we not over this yet". Which is unacceptable and probably what led us back to here as a lot of issues that needed to be address weren't.
Protecting sanity is definitely a great step to make. That's what I'm struggling with at the moment. I have a was, who I know better than to expect anything of except for the fact right now he's like an animal feeling threatened- backed into a corner and will spit any kind of venom, regardless of the consequences. Because that is easier than to mend a r.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I need to be strong, since she's given up. But she appears to have relapsed; at least I had one good day.
She's having to face the reality of the situation now and can't and is again unsure of how she feels. She's even ready to give it all up because my mother has given her a cold shoulder and says "what did i do to your mother".
I guess its back to the tough love. I refuse to be with someone that does not want to be with me. Like many on this forum state, a D is not the end, but a new beginning.
I'm not ready to give her up yet tho, but i need to prepare myself for that day. She is not incapable of feeling love for me, she just chooses not to.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
DDJ, I commend you in how you took those difficult steps with your W.
I feel that the wayward woman is set apart from a WAW. She is a different breed, and the techniques the H needs to use is a tougher approach than perhaps a woman who left b/c she was abused. The wayward wife becomes a different person from the girl you married. She is not logical and nobody can reason with her. Her attitude is usually not good toward her H. A lot of resentment and disrespectful feelings for her H resides in the heart of a WW, perhaps a really long time before she acts out in rebellion.
I do not believe waywardness is a moment of weakness. Waywardness is born from the heart and continues to grow and worsen over time. You are among many H's who think their W feels guilty. I will not say she feels absolutely no guilt at all, however, the wayward wife really doesn't feel much guilt over her actions. She feels justified for her decisions. The WW blames her H for her unhappiness and for the decisions she's made. She will change friends, lie to her family, and try to convince anyone who will listen that her H is to blame for every problem in life.
The WW is completely self-centered. You have not met selfishness until you meet a WW. She will neglect her children, and some even give them up......just to have their wayward lifestyle.
You have the right mindset in using tough love. I think it has been that tough love that has caused her to hesitate in pulling the plug. But here's the problem.........you are in love with her. You want her now more than ever before. You want to believe she feels terrible for what she's done. You want to make excuses for her and say it was a moment of weakness. You love her and it's only natural to want to believe it. And, it's that same love that will blind you at times. I hope you will stick with the board and listen to those who are unbiased and who aren't in love with your W.
WW's are notorious for manipulating the H into doing or believing what she wants. So, please walk very carefully, b/c I doubt you are out of the woods yet.
And yes, you can be a wonderful asset in helping others. There are so man nice-guy type of men on the forum, who are scared to death to show tough love.
I hope you continue reading, and please post every chance you get. This is a very caring community, and I think you will get help as well as give it.
Your M can be saved. I once was a wayward wife. She can change. There is hope.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well I've had 5 hours sleep and its now 4am in the morning where I am (south africa).
Thank you for the input Sandi2. I totally agree with you, the WW is certainly a monster all of her own doing. I have become her object of resentment, holding her back from the life that she could be living. My mother believes that I must just let her go, she must move out and have her find herself. I fear that I will lose her forever if I do that.
I don't think that I fear her never coming back, rather I fear that I might declare that things are over and not give her a chance again.
As for her lies and lack of accountability, yes, I betrayed her for telling my mother what she did (apparently).
She is a stranger to me and I know that I need to treat her as one. But I do not want to deal with this dual personality - being stuck in "The Notebook" and "50 First Dates". I need to remove myself or her, and i'm going nowhere.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
