Hello there, My last thread in newcomers was getting close to 100 and honestly I've been getting ready to jump over here to the MLC board for a while. I feel like I've graduated and am ready to play in the MLC big leagues. I hope you all take that as a compliment! I've been reading along with all of your sitch's for several months and I'm looking forward to join in on the ummm errr party?!?
I'll pop back a bit later to give some detailed history, but in the meantime, here's the brief low down:
My h and I have been physically separated for almost 10 months. Prior to that, things just went way down hill in the marriage. H quit work to fulfill his childhood dream to become an actor (didn't talk to me about it) kept saying he was going to live in LA so he could go on auditions, bought a Harley ( no discussion with me again), started going to therapy for death anxiety, became angry-man and tried dropping all his friends, eventually the heat came onto me.... And the rest is history. (Of course there's a ton more, but that's the gist.)
I was dying. The facade to keep on the happy- all is ok- face was too much. I lost my hair from stress ( full on alopecia). In June of 2015, I decided to move out temporarily to give h the space he needed. I would do ANYTHING to make it work and if that meant moving- so be it. Well, our trial sep wasn't so much of a trial because he openly started dating right away. Anyway, I received DB the day before i moved out and I've been following it ever since.
H and I see each other every week for about 30 seconds as we swap our dog. It's cordial. I'm pretty over it. I honestly have no desire to see him or speak to him, whereas months ago, my whole week was focused on that interaction.
Personally, I've worked really hard to get to a good place. I've read, read, read until my eyes bled. Went to self help seminars, listened to podcasts, meditated, exercised, reunited with friends, worked on my spirituality.. And the list goes on.
I'm posting today because I just signed a year lease for a new apartment. I know where I'm going to be living until April 2017. Wow! So surreal. As I was looking for my new residence, I wanted to find a place that was very un-feyth. I wanted a unique opportunity to experience something different and I found an awesome studio that overlooks the pacific. But at the end of the day, I found something that was more practical for me (and double in size with a garage!)I figure ease of living is more important than trying to show the world how different I am. Maybe I wanted a reaction from h... Not sure though.
Anyway, that's it for now. I look forward to interacting with you!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hi Feyth, welcome to this part of the forum. I have read your thread in Newcomers and posted a couple of times and it sounds as though you are doing well, given all circumstances. Certainly sounds like your H may be in MLC Sweetie. What's the status with potential OW and possible D at this point?
You're definitely on the right track, so just keep posting and moving forward xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Feyth, congratulations on signing your lease. I also followed your thread on newcomers and I definitively see the difference back then and now. You are stronger, focus on you and moving forward with your life.
Sotto, re OW: I don't know if there's a consistent woman right now. We don't have enough interaction for me to know anything and truthfully I don't care to know. I know he's out there dating. (That was his solution to being alone during our 4 month trial separation... His new 23 year old best friend just wasn't cutting it, so he needed to go out and date). Wtf???? Truthfully the signs of an EA were there before BD, but he's such a sneaky dickens and an impressive liar, I believed that his interactions were always harmless.
Re: divorce- I just might be the one to file.... And it might be soon. I don't want too much more time to pass where it may affect the financials of things. We had the d talk a couple months ago and he went crazy when I told him that I wanted what the state says I should get- nothing more nothing less. He was so angry!!! I don't get it, this is divorce, does he think I'm just going to say "ok it didn't work, please keep the house and the furniture, and I'll just mosey along as if this never happened. Byee!"
What I'm scared of he is a master manipulator and I've watched him in action. It's not about playing to win, it's about doing ANYTHING not to lose. he's shown some of his cards through this and that makes me paranoid.
Anyway, on a happier note. It's a gorgeous weekend! I went out last night with a girlfriend- we stuffed our faces with wine and cheesecake, watched Deadpool (stupid yet funny) and then this morning I got up and got a five mile run in. Next up: cleaning and errands .
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Feyth - I'm going to offer you a little advice that will sound anti-DB. Bear in mind, I do believe in DBing, especially in cases where children are involved. However.... I think the equation is different for a young person who desires children.
Your H has already shown you that he can be erratic and unreliable. This may be simple MLC with depression, or it may be a manifestation of longstanding issues. (Sometimes you can't see those issues until you get some distance from your spouse; it took me quite some time after my divorce to recognize my ex's narcissistic traits which had always been present.)
My point is this: your H is not a good candidate to be the father of your future children.
My ex showed me early on that he had a propensity for infidelity. I thought it was a onetime youthful mistake, and took the risk of staying in the marriage. What I didn't realize at the time was that it wasn't just ME that was taking the risk. I was subjecting my future children to that risk as well.
My ex had another affair when my three kids were early teens. They were devastated although I successfully DBd the marriage back together. We had several more excellent years in our marriage until my ex hit 50 and went down the MLC rabbit hole for good.
My kids are in their mid twenties now and we have been divorced for several years. They all suffer to some degree from the divorce. And I feel guilty that I took that risk, of staying married to an adulterer, and they paid the price.
So.... If you do plan to have children,realize that even if your H came crawling back today, he would be a poor future risk.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
KML, Thank you for taking the time to write that insightful post and I'm sorry to hear about what you and your kids went through with your ex.
You are so right about the future children. I do want a family. So did h. I don't think he wants that anymore. Well, I know he was feeling too old and he mentioned he was just going to adopt. Well, to clarify this up a bit, he made this statement as we were having an R talk before I moved out. He said, "I'm willing to admit this is me (as in its his problem). I'm thinking of moving to X state and adopting a kid". And then 5 mins later, the whole thing became my fault again.
Anyway, I digress. I know I want a family. Period. I would be open to adopting even if I can't have biological children. As you mention, I don't think h is capable of being a good father. His patience and compassion is almost nonexistent and has been for years... Maybe his whole life. I think it all results from his terrible childhood and upbringing. I think he truly is a caring person, but has no idea how to express care or compassion for another person. (Lots of childhood stuff there that I want to keep private for his sake). I've questioned it myself, maybe I wasn't dying to get pregnant because deep down I couldn't trust h. Not just at being a father, but accepting me as a mother, too. I don't think he would like the changes in my body, I don't think he would care for me if I was sick or just uncomfortable. He just doesn't have that capacity. I don't think he would like to share the spotlight with another human(s). Weird. But then again, he is great with our dog. Totally, not the same though.
It's a strange thing to deal with. While I don't think about my marriage that much anymore, for the longest time I was struggling with the concept of "standing" which at the time just meant "holding on." Now I know better, and can see that it's not about saving a marriage just so I'm not a statistic, but saving a marriage that is right for me, too. It's scary to think that goal might not include h. The future is so different now than it was 2 years ago before things really went south. I want my best chances of having a family and I don't know that that exists with h. Also, it doesn't help that I have to worry about my age and getting older. I even have fertility testing on my to- do list. Surreal.
Anyway, thanks again kml for the advice. This has been mulling around in my head and heart for quite some time.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hello, Hope everyone is having a good week. Was thinking a lot about h today in an angry/ sad way. It was kind of bringing me down so I decided to use those emotions to propel me through a 6 mile run. I PR'd- ya! 63 minutes total.
Anyway, we had a cordial dog swap yesterday. I surprised him because I did a 180 with something and it totally caught him off guard (in a good way). He even said, "I would never in a million years expect that from you! I'm shocked!" Another thing he did which has happened the last three weeks is he's asked, "is there anything you need to tell me?" Or "is there anything I should know?" I don't mull on it much, but it moreso catches me off guard. What am I supposed to say to that? I normally just say no because I prefer to keep our interactions at a minimum and then excuse myself. It's happened the last three weeks right as I was leaving, too. I wonder what that's about? I've been super dim so he has no idea what I'm up to or where my head is at in terms of D. No mind reading of course.
It's almost hump day! Yes! Counting down to Saturday. I have an AWESOME gal event planned.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
So happy for you having a great GAL event! You need those during life.
You sound good, Feyth. Thinking about your H in that sad/angry way...that's going to happen. How could it not? But you dealt with it well. Actually, in a great way. 6 miles? I get happy when I'm just walking that. I need to get back into shape. LOL.
Keep the mystery going. You've got him peeping out from his MLC hole, wondering what the heck is up. And keep up your focus on you. Sounds like you're doing a great job at DBing this chaotic mess!
GO YOU!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
.