Life's a Dance-One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

[123Gwen]

Melweb - Sending you all my support. You are handling all of this with strength and intention. It is the first best way to approach things right now - make your decisions from a place of intention and you'll be able to navigate things knowing that, no matter the outcome, you will be able to show your kids what strength and love look like.

You are not his mother and you should never have to apologize for making decisions as an adult. Of course this is incredibly difficult on your heart but if you can move forward with the business of life you will be in a better position long term to be a good role model for everyone you love. This includes your spouse because if he witnesses maturity in action then maybe at some point he'll try to emulate it.

As for telling the kids about the OW. You'll know when or if you need to disclose this information. There are merits in always being truthful but if you are telling them a fact to obstruct their relationship with H then you are ultimately contributing to some blameless people. Perhaps this weekend is better spent on steak, cheesecake and quality time with your boys. Hoping you enjoy the day.

[melweb]

Thanks for the support kml and 123Gwen. I need all that I can get at the moment!!

Ok so I told the boys. Man that was hard!! I cried. I told them that "dad has decided to leave and live in a hotel until..I don't know when. I do not know what is future plans are." S15 says "Maybe he will change his mind like he did before." I just said "maybe, he's actually changed his mind 7 times." I told them the usual... its not their fault, he still loves them and he will always be their dad. Neither had questions or concerns or comments. I left it that. Later I asked S15 if he had heard from dad and he said yes, and he read me the text: "I am living in a hotel while mom and I work this out. I am not far so I can come have dinner with you. Don't worry, everything is going to be fine." I said ok--just wondering if you had heard from him.

H texted me 30 times yesterday!! Yes, THIRTY!! First about the dinners, the laundry, the food. I reminded him that he fired me. He asked a couple of questions. I replied with a one word answer. Later told me to go out with boys for Mothers Day, asked what I told them and then asked Hows things? When he finally realized I was not answering him he said if I want to cease communication then to just tell him. 1/2 hour later I replied that I was shutting my phone off and I would talk to him Monday.

He sent me a text this morning saying "Happy Mothers Day. You are a wonderful mother and our boys are lucky to have you as they grew up caring for them." I will not respond to that today.

So here's a million dollar question: How do I balance a "DB/marriage saving/hope for reconciliation" stance with an "I will not enable your affair/let you cake eat and think everything is okey dokey" stance"? I feel like I am walking tight rope over the Grand Canyon.

You know guys--now that he out of the house, my nerves are less edgy, actually had an appetite last night and looking forward to today with my boys. Steak and cheesecake...yahh!!!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Mothers Day!!

[ciluzen]

Good for you, Mel. I am amazed that he would have the gall to ask for food or ANYTHING to help him out after he left. Then again, I'm not. Enjoy this day that is to celebrate your status as a mother. It is for you and you alone and you deserve to spend it with your children how ever you please. (((Mel)))

[Sotto]

Hi Melweb, this is JMHO but as your H has been trying to significantly cake eat, I think it is worth taking comms down to a bare minimum. Definitely very dim and purely about child logistics. If he asks general questions about you, just ignore them for now - or respond to one in ten (if he's texting 30 times a day!)

Let him have the message loud and clear that if he chooses to continue a R with OW and live elsewhere, there will be no R with you other than as coparenting and that will be on a minimal basis.

I would say to have a look at LRT and follow the advice there - also, have you read much about clinging boomerang contact types during MLC because I think that's what your H is.

The main thing just now is to get settled, look after yourself and your kids. Try not to worry about any immediate plans to try and save things and let him drift about on the ocean for a bit. Just focus on not doing anything to make things worse and leave him be for a bit. The very act of moving out and having very low comms with you may well be enough to provoke some thought at his end.

Take care and I think you're doing really well in tough circumstances ((((hugs)))) xx

[kml]

You can also throw out that you'd be happy to talk with him in marriage counseling, but otherwise, this is what it looks like when you leave your wife for another woman. You can repeat "I love you but I refuse to share. I am not your Plan B."

Be kind but firm. He's feeling confused and torn between his affair and his marriage. Give him the opportunity to miss you.

[melweb]

Thanks Cil--hope you have a great day too.

Sotto--I am def going to be dim and keep responses to a minimum. (But 30 times!! Jeesh!!) I worry as "the silent treatment" is 'more of the same' for me and I 180'd that after first BD. (But then again, he changed the game when he walked out yesterday!)

I have reread LRT and After LRT when H won't stop seeing OW. And yes, I am aware of Clinging Boomerangs---its my H to a T!

kml--boy you have some great suggestions. I love those answers

BTW--I came home from church today and H had been here. He left a card and some flowers. Jerk!!

[bttrfly]

Hi Mel,
Happy Mother's Day. You are a great mom and hope you had a wonderful day with your boys.

Just catching up here and want to say I'm so sorry it's come to this, but wishing you peace - or as much peace as you can have in these circumstances. I think you're right to leave OW out of the conversation with the boys. Let H have to deal with that.

I'm wishing you all the best. You've been getting great advice here. Just lending my support as well xoxoxo

[Esame]

Hi melweb,

I'm just catching up with your thread, I just wanted to say how sorry I am about the way things turned out (so far). I admire how you handled telling the kids, you must be really proud of yourself. Sorry I have no actual advice on how to balance all those issues, but maybe now that he is out of the house you will be able to reflect on what works best for you and your relationship.

Take care of yourself and your boys

[melweb]

Thanks Esame.

Guess who showed up at midnight last night?? 3 guesses, and the first 2 don't count!!

Said he was sorry, this is where he wants to be, he doesn't love her, he wants to go to MC, etc...

As much as I want this M to work, I am not sure how to proceed with this. Especially since it will be the 8th time he done this.,

[Sotto]

Needs to be OW free for a period of time before you'll consider possible R?