My Story - the circular nature of causality

[Vanilla]

My thinking is say little, keep it sweet and simple.

As in WW you make some interesting observations thank you.

It's called fogging responses. And reduces drama in your sitch.

Or say nothing at all can be a good choice.

V

[CWOL]

Thanks 1gr8dad,

I downloaded a few of them and started listening to them. So far I'm not able to clear my mind of stuff yet, but I will keep trying! I found some apps that did the same thing to, with flowing, zen-like music. They did put me to sleep last night, although I still woke up at 4 am.

[Vanilla]

Please be careful.

External links are against board policy and your membership of the board can be affected by this.

The best thing is to ask the mods to adjust your post using the notify button.

You are too precious and valuable here.

V

[1gr8dad]

Right thanks V for the heads up.

[1gr8dad]

I've been a little up and down lately. Please help, I need some 2x4's probably and some DB love

I think reviewing all the financials now that I had to submit disclosure, seeing all our vacation expenses, and also seeing my WW's spending habits is messing with my head. It's obvious she was taking someone out to lunch on the regular; no doubt her boss who was broke from his own divorce.

In 2015 there are over 40 credit card entries for lunch meals with amounts that would cover 2 people. I didn't even look into 2014 because that's not needed for financial disclosure.


I had a parenting counselling meeting today with WW to discuss how we split our D3's time over vacations and future summer holidays. At least I don't get the puking feeling when we talk about how to arrange 1 weeks vacations with D3 fairly. I'll take this as a good sign I'm entering the acceptance phase. Without the detachment and going dark I don't think I'd be where I am now.


However, I wanted to raise the nasty note WW sent be about involving D3 in GAL. WW got distressed and silently angry when I raised this issue today.

I love the double standard: WW is in a secret affair with her boss, they bring D3 over to each other's places to have play-dates according to my daughter.

She then has the gall to tell the councillor she can't believe that I'm already introducing other people (friends and their kids from my meetup group) into HER daughter's life. And she starts to cry.

The councillor didn't see any issue with what I was doing since it is always public places we go to and in a group.

Of course WW is playing house with her OM and D3 and OM's D8 while I hear about it from the sidelines. I was so tempted to expose that there but I knew my WW would just say he's a friend who's been around already in D3's life for some time now. Lol.


I guess I need to detach more to not let this stuff get to me.


It's almost 6 months since BD
Some days I feel like I dodged a bullet.
Some days I am fraught with jealousy.
Some days I am excited about a new future and life.
Some days I cannot accept the dysfunction of the dance we will be in for the rest of our lives while handing D3 back and forth.
Some days I realize I may be better off without her - though it doesn't feel like that right now when the pain is felt piercing my heart again.

How do I get off this nightmare roller-coaster???

[Phoebe]

Hi 1gr8dad. I just read your thread, and my heart breaks for you and your D3. There was so much love thrown by the wayside.

You are doing an incredible job on the GAL front, and I now have serious GAL envy.

The roller coaster ride is utterly exhausting and disempowering. There are days that we can almost (well at least for a few minutes to hours, in my case) forget what's happening, and then other days it all sneaks up on us and knocks us flat on our backs. I've learned that hope can be a cruel thing, and that no hope can be worse. I've learned more than I ever wanted to about what it means to be anxious and depressed, but I have also learned how to reach out for help, and that is a sign of growth. Every once in a while I glimpse a brighter future, but it is always around a corner I can never quite seem to reach.

When that roller coaster ride gives me a good day, I just roll with it and make the most of the moments. When it goes downhill, well... I try to keep in mind that things will turn the other way again. I crash, I share, I reach out, I do whatever I can to claw myself back up to the surface. I focus on getting through to the next day, hour, minute...

I don't know what the future will bring, but I try to keep myself open to any possibility, even as the possibility of R becomes more and more distant. Every day I struggle with whether or not I should initiate divorce proceedings in order to protect myself financially, and yet I haven't been able to bring myself to do so. I continue to stand for my M, though I am no longer sure why. I continue to try to be the lighthouse, even though he is so far away that he will never be able to see my light. I so loved the man he was, and yet I don't know this new man and his new values are so counter to my own.

Detachment is such a deceptively simple idea, and so very easy to talk about. For me it remains a goal, but one I not been able to obtain for more than moments at a time. So, really, I'm barely detached at all. Maybe more resigned. I still strive for detachment. Distance is the only thing that I have found has helped me since I found out about the PA, heard the "it's over" thing for the first time, and my hopes for R were dashed. Distance gives me the ability to fake detachment until I can make it.

Sorry to clutter your thread, but I'm glad you're here and thank you for popping over to my thread with your kind words. I hope that you get some rest.

My only advice for you is to make room for your emotions and recognize that, no matter what they are, they are completely normal. If you feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, etc., acknowledge it, let yourself feel it, know it is normal, and then let it pass through you in its own time. It is the only thing that I have found that truly helps me. Stuffing it down, denying it, telling myself I have to be strong for myself or others almost destroyed me. I had to do something differently, and I decided to just allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling. Surprisingly, it helped.

[SH_]

I guess I need to detach more to not let this stuff get to me.

It's almost 6 months since BD
Some days I feel like I dodged a bullet.
Some days I am fraught with jealousy.
Some days I am excited about a new future and life.
Some days I cannot accept the dysfunction of the dance we will be in for the rest of our lives while handing D3 back and forth.
Some days I realize I may be better off without her - though it doesn't feel like that right now when the pain is felt piercing my heart again.

How do I get off this nightmare roller-coaster???

1gr8dad,

There is not an easy answer for getting off the coaster. But in my journey staying in the moment and focus on the hope, positives and our children has equalized the ups and downs.

Review your list in the quote, split it up. When the negative thoughts/ feelings invade your mind, look to the positive thoughts that you have written.

My D17 told me about a guest speaker she had in her psychology class on Friday. The speaker told them about a depressed time in his life due to a bizarre illness that made him lose all of his hair. He saw a therapist for help with the depression and was told to write down 5 positive things that he wanted and believed he could accomplish. He was told to pull it out each time the depressed or negative thoughts entered his mind.

He did so for one day, but went to the therapist and said it did not work. He pulled it out every other minute but did not feel better. His therapist told him to do it for a week straight and kicked him out of the office. A week later he returned and told his therapist, it was still not working. His therapist asked if he knew who Arnold Schwarzenegger was. He said that he did. The therapist asked him if he thought that Arnold could see muscles after his first week of working out. He replied that he did not think so. He asked how long before he may have seen results. The response was in a number of months, and then years to reach his full potential.

The point that I got from this, is that many of us are just starting our own exercises for our mental strength and it will take time. The more consistent that we are with our efforts, and the better the form that we do the exercises, the stronger we will become. But it will take time.

You are doing some great things. Believe in yourself. Control yourself. Accept that WW will do what she does, and you will catch some of the consequences from her actions, but you are in full control of your actions. God, the universe and karma always has a way of balancing things out. Keep on your path, learn from your mistakes, stay focused on what you can control, and take it one step at a time. And don't forget to hug, hug hug your d3. She will know your strength, and love. And you will gain huge bursts of strength and love from her unconditional love in return.

May you find peace this day and enjoy the moments of joy.

[jazzy1]

I don't have a lot to say. But simply this:

Hold your head high. You are succeeding for you and your D3, and that is what matters. You can't control your WW, you can only control your actions and your thoughts, and so far, your actions have been only what could be expected. Stop second-guessing yourself, and remember that living is trial and error. Keep moving forward, and give your daughter the strength she will need to do the same.

[CWOL]

1gr8dad,
I just want to let you know that I'm sitting right next to you in the same roller coaster. Except lately it's been just going into free-fall, and I've been having that butterfly in my belly feeling for a long time...

[J5K]

1gr8dad,

I also want to let you know that I am on the same ride and free-falling. Hold your head high! God will give us the strength to get through this.