Hi Mutatio. I've never commented on your posts previously but I was moved by your last post. When I was younger I would often contemplate death and dying. I had a morbid curiosity as to how it would feel, what it would mean and how it acts as a double edged sword. I would read poets like Poe, Dickinson and Plath but they all seemed to see it as an escape from pain but IMO that is not its purpose. Your words and quote provided me with a new way of examine a topic I haven't thought much about in years. Great insight.
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
Thanks for stopping by G8r. I love your name. I just read this and thought you may like it:
"In 2005, Steve Jobs gave the commencement address at Stanford. His message was about “Finding What You Love”, but he provided some interesting advice based on his experiences surviving cancer. His words follow:
… for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."
Mut, I don't know why but your posts are making me really emotionally. You are such a good writer, there is such an authenticity and vulnerability in your words.
Lots of writing on death and dying man, but I get it. Your M is dying. Part of you is dying. Trust me, I get it. I was surrounded by death last year and no one past away. Energetically it was everywhere.
I'm on a journey right now that is literally about death, the real kind. The physical kind. I'm interviewing people who will be dead in a year, talking to people who have terminal conditions, and working with folks who work with them. They all say the same thing,
"No matter what condition your life is in, find what you can be grateful about in it. Do this because some day you're not going to have the choice to do so like you have now."
Heavy.
This hit home for me when I heard a guy talk about his father. The man was an angry driver and yelled at people behind the wheel. His father told him he used to be the same way, now he would give anything just to be able to drive again. Some day Mu, you're not going to be able to make the choices you can make right now.
Choices to appreciate what's there more than what's not. The choice to find joy in spite of the pain and heartache you're experiencing. The choice to reach so gXddamn deep into yourself just to find the spec of joy that may be hiding, and then use that as the foundation of your life moving forward. It's in there. Find it.
IN SPITE OF, is now one of my favorite phrases. I learned it from BD. Pre BD I didn't think there could be happiness, joy, contentment, laughter, love, and more if there was any pain present at all. It was one or the other, black or white. Don't f*cking tell me there's grey, it's either black or white. That was my attitude.
One of the greatest gifts of BD and DB'ing was having to make that choice. Was having to develop the skill to make that choice. The hard fought, tear driven, gut wrenching choice that I am going to have to find happiness in the face of losing the love of my life. The impossible choice. The choice I swore could never be made and anyone who asked me to could go f*ck themselves. They didn't know how much I loved my W. They didn't know how hard I fought to be with her. There was no happiness without her.
But they were right. There is happiness without her. There is joy without her. There is laughter without her. There is love without her. All of them can live side by side with the heartache of missing her, it's not one or the other. It's in spite of. And in addition to. And then some day, that joy is going to slowly edge that pain and heartache to the side, inch by inch. But only if you first let them live next to each other.
I read a lot on here that there cannot be happiness without our spouses, that it's impossible. That's nonsense. More likely it's codependence at its finest. But it's pure nonsense. Happiness is a choice. It's a hard fought battle on somedays but that's the game we're in. We didn't ask to be here, but neither did anyone who woke up in a chitty spot in their lives. We're in it. So let's use it to transform our thinking, to grow us, to inspire us, to move us to become the people we were not in our M's. Not only men and women only fools would leave, but men and women who so rich with appreciation for the lives we have that someone leaving us only dents the experience, not brings the whole house down.
Stay strong brother. There's so much to you that the world needs, your kids need, and you need to hear from you.
Find joy Mu. Find fun. Laugh your ass off until tears run down your face, then laugh some more.
Peace, PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Regarding the topic of death... I have never really been able to end a relationship because, to me it feels like electively choosing death. It is obviously very hurtful that spouse has electively chosen death, in a sense, It's a bit different then rejection.
Anyway, was hoping you could offer insight regarding this...
In many of our cases (especially husbands leaving) spouses had serious health issues or had to deal with recent death in the family. Why does that make them Want to leave instead of recognize the fact that life is short, let me me work with and appreciate the things that are truly important. (Especially since it's not just spouse that are being left but kids as well). What is going on psychologically?
One of the greatest gifts of BD and DB'ing was having to make that choice. Was having to develop the skill to make that choice. The hard fought, tear driven, gut wrenching choice that I am going to have to find happiness in the face of losing the love of my life. The impossible choice. The choice I swore could never be made and anyone who asked me to could go f*ck themselves. They didn't know how much I loved my W. They didn't know how hard I fought to be with her. There was no happiness without her.
But they were right. There is happiness without her. There is joy without her. There is laughter without her. There is love without her. All of them can live side by side with the heartache of missing her, it's not one or the other. It's in spite of. And in addition to. And then some day, that joy is going to slowly edge that pain and heartache to the side, inch by inch. But only if you first let them live next to each other.
This is beautiful....thank you so much for sharing this. It brought tears to my eyes and hope to my heart.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Mutatio, I liked your post regarding Steve Jobs, "finding what you love". It reminded me of a book I read few years ago called, The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch.
Many universities have things like this where they ask people to think about their death and see what things mean the most to them. What kind of legacy do they want to leave? Unfortunately for Randy, he was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer a few months prior to him giving the talk.
Instead of bemoaning his predicament and wallowing in self pity, he chose to embrace by his remaining time and share his zest for life with others. He was upset that he wouldn't be able to watch his kids grow and teach them life lessons so he used this talk as a platform for both. The title of his talk was "Really Achieving your Childhood Dreams". His talk and the book are very inspiring and IMO seem particularly relevant to people in our situation who feel like they've been thrown a curve ball. It's a short read so I think I'm going to dig out my copy and reread it.
Thanks for the inspiration Mutatio.
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
Mona, I missed you very much. Please don't disappear, I rely on your wit and wisdom. G8r that sounds like a great book. Broke, PigPen is the man! Follow him, he is a sage. JuJu, I want to respond to the thought you raised just not in this post. PP, your words ring true. There are some great insights there, some of which could not have been gained without living through 2015. Rosie, I copied and pasted the Steve Jobs post so I cannot take credit for writing it but I did like it and wanted to share it.
I wanted to post more but the kids and the dog are hungry. I'll be back later, be well
