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keefa Offline OP
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Hey Azzork,
Well I like that you have raised those points but to clarify;
My 9 year old is upset that the lengths we went to so that we could communicate and stay in touch has been taken from him (fact) with out good reason (fact) and he does not understand why (fact) It is not costing her anything and there is nothing to be gained by denying access to communication with me. Homework questions, general questions and so on. It can all be seen my stbx if she so wished and nothing was hidden.

She is denying me access by saying if I want to have access I have to go through the courts and solicitors. She knows this takes time. She knows it is half term and by the time I get to court I would have missed the hols. I would never presume to 'waltz over' but lets spin this for a sec...When I was at work, she decimated the house, took everything including the boys and moved to another house without giving me the address. There are no reasons, drink, drugs, mistress, abuse or so on that she has to do this. Lets suppose I turn up after school, pick them up and move into a different house again...I would be doing exactly the same thing as she has but boy oh boy wouldn't it be viewed differently ! This makes me angry. We are BOTH parents.
If I were a deadbeat dad I could sort of understand.

I don't care if she says hello, ignores me or what ever but children watch and learn. If nothing else it is poor manners. I am civil and polite in front of the boys. So should she.

All my L seems to do is replay a message from her L about what I should and shouldn't do. ie. I had an instruction to ensure I set the alarm of the house she no longer lives in and to protect the remains of her belongings. I cannot change locks or deny her access. one of many...

Yes of course she has as much right to them as I but as she currently has them 99% of the time, but she has no right to dictate completely what happens. I am a parent too. I'm passed the wanting a family thing. She is not a person I recognise and I do not like her. but I do want to see my boys more than 1 and a half days every 2 weeks. They are 4 miles down the road. it is not unreasonable to want more than that is it ?


me45,W43 S9,S5
T15yrs M10yrs
BD 4/07/15
W wants D 4/07/15
W filed 8/05/15
D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas,
W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
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Did you hire your attorney?

Maybe it's time to unhire them and find one that would work in your / boys interest?


The only easy day was yesterday

Friends - 35 years
Together -32 years
Married - 29 years
S - 26
BD - 11/11 S 7/12
Last visual contact 2/13
Last verbal contact 4/13
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Hey Azzork,
Well I like that you have raised those points but to clarify;
My 9 year old is upset that the lengths we went to so that we could communicate and stay in touch has been taken from him (fact) with out good reason (fact) and he does not understand why (fact)
Your other two facts I can agree with you. But I dont think you can say that there was a good reason or not at this point. What you are calling "a basic access of communication" seems to be viewed by W as a privilege for your S. Im not saying thats right or wrong. But I would suggest this as something to discuss with your L and maybe W so that everyone can be on the same page. If this is something you did by yourself without discussing with her, it could be seen by her as something of a threat to her parenting abilities.

It is not costing her anything and there is nothing to be gained by denying access to communication with me. Homework questions, general questions and so on. It can all be seen my stbx if she so wished and nothing was hidden.
I dont think shes arguing about the contact. But if she says 'no' to something, Im sure S will be on the text coming to you to "come to his rescue" about stuff. Mind reading, but Im guessing that she feels this is undermining her parental skill and possibly ability to parent to have this kind of constant open communication pathway at this age.

She is denying me access by saying if I want to have access I have to go through the courts and solicitors. She knows this takes time.
Maybe I missed this, but my impression was that you were separated in home for a while. Where was the push at that time to protect yourself from this kind of situation?

She knows it is half term and by the time I get to court I would have missed the hols.
So what will you do to protect this for the next holiday?

I would never presume to 'waltz over' but lets spin this for a sec...When I was at work, she decimated the house, took everything including the boys and moved to another house without giving me the address.
What did the lawyers have to say about this? I can see that the stuff is not as big a deal as the kids. How is this legal, exactly?

There are no reasons, drink, drugs, mistress, abuse or so on that she has to do this.
...in your mind. Surely, she has some reasons. Some are probably related to you. Some are probably not.

Lets suppose I turn up after school, pick them up and move into a different house again...I would be doing exactly the same thing as she has but boy oh boy wouldn't it be viewed differently ! This makes me angry. We are BOTH parents.
Yeah. I get it. I wouldnt do this. But what does your L suggest?

If I were a deadbeat dad I could sort of understand.

I don't care if she says hello, ignores me or what ever but children watch and learn. If nothing else it is poor manners. I am civil and polite in front of the boys. So should she.
Yes. She should. But she isnt. Not much you can do about that. Just let go of your expectations.

All my L seems to do is replay a message from her L about what I should and shouldn't do. ie. I had an instruction to ensure I set the alarm of the house she no longer lives in and to protect the remains of her belongings. I cannot change locks or deny her access. one of many...
So, if you dont like this L, why are you with him/her?

Yes of course she has as much right to them as I but as she currently has them 99% of the time, but she has no right to dictate completely what happens. I am a parent too. I'm passed the wanting a family thing. She is not a person I recognise and I do not like her. but I do want to see my boys more than 1 and a half days every 2 weeks. They are 4 miles down the road. it is not unreasonable to want more than that is it ?
Of course it's reasonable. But sometimes, this can take time. But your L should be pushing for some kind of agreement. What is the status there?



I just want to be clear that Im on your side. I want whats best for you and your kids. In many of my points above, Im mpore challenging you to be empathetic vs. saying that you are wrong. I hope you understand that!

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keefa Offline OP
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Devils advocate...
Yes, a mobile phone was something stbx and I had discussed. I had always assumed responsibility in our relationship for buying and sorting tech etc. And this was her suggestion a month or so ago. There is no ambiguity. It is a power thing. But lets look at the bigger picture. Whether she see's it a threat or not, she is denying me reasonable communication and contact. period.

No, during our separation, until the last month of living together (chrismas week aside) we had functioned as a family, taking days out together etc. We had historically always seen eye to eye on the kids and I cannot remember ever disagreeing on their upbringing. I never, not in a million years believed she would be causing me to fight to see them. I just didn't think it would happen. Many statements like ' you can see them when ever you like, you can always come over to do baths etc' So yes I am behind on my 'legal' fight to have access. Yes my fault for accepting what was said.

To be frank, I find it slightly offensive to suggest that SHE has any reasons I cannot see my children. I am of course defensive on this but I know I am and always have been a good father. There is NO reason I should be denied access. none. If she doesn't want me, wants out, then ok. But I do not level with it being her choice if the children do or do not see their father.
If she is bitter or resentful because I am GAL then it would make sense to me. I do not know if this is the case but it sure feels like it. She has nothing on me in that sense. I cook, play, act happy, build, fix, clean and so on and she knows it. The only thing she has on me is power over my access to the children. This is being played out in a text book manner.

I have no expectations of her behaviour but I am still allowed to feel emotions when she behaves in a certain way towards me and the effect it might have on our childrem just as I would feel emotions if a stranger let the door close in my face.

I am seeing my L tomorrow morning and yes I have a long list of points to raise including holidays, access, contact and so on.
My L does not seem to be pushing for anything. I cannot afford to change so I am having to make the best of what I have.

I welcome being challenged Azzork and thank you for taking the time to do so. I have tried to be open and honest with how I feel and the position I am in. Please accept that I am ion no way offended by anything written here and I hope my sitch proves helpful to others as well as myself.

I've not heard from stbx, her L or my L regarding access this week during half term. Meeting tomorrow. I will continue to fight.


me45,W43 S9,S5
T15yrs M10yrs
BD 4/07/15
W wants D 4/07/15
W filed 8/05/15
D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas,
W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 91
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keefa Offline OP
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Incredibly tough few days. Thought I would check in.
L meeting went well. but ex is still denying me access to children. Apparently a post I put on facebook (regarding fathers for justice) was derogatory and she is claiming it goes towards demonstrating my emotional instability. My L has asked why, when ex has blocked me, is she searching out my profile, and also questions what emotional stability should a husband and father have when confronted with the actions demonstrated.
However, a lesson here, as much as I wanted to vent, she is still looking at my posts etc. I've taken anything remotely related down but hope we all learn from my mistake here. The comment wasn't derogatory but was an opinion and expressed as one. Sadly she has a L who is very young and my ex cannot see she is purposely running up the hours and trying to be a big shot.
I have been told I may not see my children for another 4 - 5 weeks until the court has my hearing. It is very very sad that it has come to this. I honestly feel that because I GAL it has hurt ex somewhat and this is her last card.
I am doing everything by the book and although it hurts like hell right now, I have faith in my L and the system.
I am lonely right now, I am watching but not watching tv. I must have vacuumed a hundred times today. I'm feeling low. I miss my boys so much and the anger and contempt I feel is eating me.


me45,W43 S9,S5
T15yrs M10yrs
BD 4/07/15
W wants D 4/07/15
W filed 8/05/15
D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas,
W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,776
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Sorry about the recent happenings, Keefa.

Your W is on a mission right now. She seems so full of hate and rage.

I wouldn't trust her AT ALL right now. I think your best course of action is to lay low.

Why cant you see your kids for 4-5 weeks? That makes no sense to me.

In the meantime, are there any support groups around you? DivorceCare? I think it would be good to surround yourself with people right now if you can.

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keefa Offline OP
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Thanks thornton,
Its simply because of the length of time it takes to obtain a consent order and the fact that she has a very unreasonable L who is hell bent on causing as much difficulty as possible without seeing the bigger picture. I also think that because ex was embarrassed at the school meeting and the fact I had such a great weekend with my boys has added to her determination to try and hurt me as much as possible. I've said this before, it is almost like she came home and caught me in bed with the milkman or something. I have spoken at length about Psychological projection and it certainly fits but this is done purely out of personal interest and my own growth. It is fascinating though !
I am lying low but continue to fight the bigger fight without resorting to the little petty squabbles. Its hard not to want to score points but at the end of the day, I want the judge to see a reasonable man, mature enough to let the crap slide but who continues to fight for a fair solution. this ironically is itself me GAL and being the man I want to be. My own projection. I have grown exponentially these last few weeks. Today, i stopped and helped an elderly gent down the stairs of the bank. Nothing unusual there as I would have always have done this. But today, I stopped for a minute, made sure he was ok, asked him if he needed anything, had a brief chat and a chuckle and received a genuine heartfelt smile. Despite the fight inside me, this made me feel good and gave me a little reassurance I am on the right path to being the me I want to be. I keep telling myself, my now is not my forever.


me45,W43 S9,S5
T15yrs M10yrs
BD 4/07/15
W wants D 4/07/15
W filed 8/05/15
D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas,
W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,776
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That's awesome, Keefa. Keep that image of the guy you want to be in your mind and take steps every day towards your goal.

Has your wife always been angry? She almost sounds Borderline Personality to me?

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keefa Offline OP
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well, she lost her mum when she was a toddler, her dad ( died 12 years ago) was a very crusty chap who didn't have her until he was 65. She was looked after but not shown family love and warmth. Ironically, my family took her in and treated her as a daughter not a daughter in law. Sadly, her personality is one that is never wrong. Even now, with me fighting tooth and nail to see my children, she is digging in and making me go the whole hog, and get a court order. Mt L has sat me down a few times, kept me calm and told me it is the long game, let her fight all the petty stuff, but the bigger picture is for me to get good access and be a genuinely co-parent. She is not an angry person, sometimes I wished we could have had a good argument. Her style was always cold and moody ( something I later learned was passive aggressive) would go ghost and so on. I always wondered what I had done wrong, what wasn't I doing enough of, showing affection that was always one way, re-writing our history and so on and so on until working at it was slowly killing me.
It is my absolute grief that,(not seeeing my children aside) ...I am probably better off as a person out of the relationship. However, I am bitterly disappointed I could not find a way to show her that the relationship 'could' have been worked on, all we had to do was find the help. She would not go to any counseling or therapy as she would never admit she was wrong. I went to over 30 sessions on my own.
It is what is is I guess. I can't change her, but I always thought I would be the lighthouse....


me45,W43 S9,S5
T15yrs M10yrs
BD 4/07/15
W wants D 4/07/15
W filed 8/05/15
D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas,
W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
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Hi Keefa. You can still be the lighthouse. A lot of what you post is coming from what your feeling right now and that's fine but at the same time you need to let the feelings settle before any action is taken

Your Ws actions re the kids visitation seems very strange to me and I can't see why a L would advise her that this is a good course for her to take. IMHO any court will at best frown on her behaviour and see it a detrimental to the children

The feelings of why W would t work on it are ones we all have but I see it as their minds are made up and closed to the idea so Moses could appear to them and they would t listen

Time is all important , time for you to understand your real feeling , time for W to see her new reality and time for you both to heal and move forward

For a newcomer you seem to have a handle on the stitch most times which shows you will cope and then prosper whatever happens

Ipostitve thoughts heading your way for you and the kids

Take care , Rd

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