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Finished another book last night. Now I have some tools to attempt to stop being a "nice guy".
The binding theme of everything I read rotates around just being yourself and not worrying about what others think. Why should it affect who your are and how you act? Why let your expectaions of how others will react or judge you define who you are or want to be?

I understand that doesn't give you a license to be a total a'hole or rude and demeaning to people. Also I know almost everyone has told me this many times, I just wasn't ready to listen.

I have lived through everyday since Bday and became stronger personally, I have survived every day and night since W left, each day I am ok, I don't die. And it will continue to be that way until my journey is over.

I allowed my R to define who I was, I allowed W to dictate my behaviour at times, with her words, actions and my wxpectaions of her reaction to what I did or did not do.
I also allowed my family to control my emotions, I let people including my family walk all over me, making feel like I needed to repress my emotions to keep the peace and not rock the boat. And it made me unhappy though I didn't realize it at the time.
I would escape on the computer where there I was anonymous and unafraid of what people said or how I felt and I allowed myself to be absorbed in a fantasy world where I never had to deal with "real" people.

Everyday I am stronger, even when I am upset and feel like an emotional wreck, it makes me stronger because the next time, it isn't as powerful against me.

In a lot of previous posts I bragged that I was moving on, detaching and letting go. Only to be slapped back down and shown I am no where near as far along as I thought. At this time I am not going to claim I am done, that I am detached or moved on, I am going to say that I have the drive to want to, that I understand it will take time and be a roller coaster. And each time I'm down, the only way is up!
I am not sure what exactly triggered the thought process I have adopted this week, probably a mix of everything to this point. The realization that I have faults, I am and have addressed them, that I will continue to fix them and find new ones along the way. That I can no longer let people define who I am. Enough of being a doormat.

I spoke last night of dropping the rope and today I am stil focused on that goal, a realization I had while thinking about the rope was my visualization of the rope I holding. I am sure each person if they envision the rope they are holding onto see it differently in their minds eye. For some it may be a string or just a regular rope. For me I see it as a massive cable of a rope, the type that would tie a ship to the docks. Big enough you could walk up it if you wanted. That made me realize how large of an attachment I have and if I think what I am holding onto is so massive how could I possibly expect to hold that rope up?
If I ever decide to pick up a new rope I will be examining this rope and making sure it is manageable and never becoming more than I can handle, that it becomes so large I can hang every and all expectations on it.

Sorry for the long morning rant. Just had a lot in my mind this morning, as I wrote more and more came to me and I let it out. Hope everyone has a wonderful day!


The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
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Great job identifying some things in your M.

I too, let my relationship define me. That's why I'm so lost now that it's gone. I would walk on eggshells with WAW and hope I wouldn't piss her off. I was terrified she'd leave me again. Go figure..

Keep going Tyler, I think you are making huge strides right now. You are having lots of epiphanies and coming into your own. Keep up the good work.

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Tyler12,

I think the "roller coaster" of saying you are letting go and then getting sucked back in into wanting to reconcile is completely normal. Or, at least, I hope it is because I feel like that happens to me all the time. Just when I think that I am moving forward toward acceptance, something happens to drag me back to desperately wanting to reconcile. Do you ever feel like you are "faking it"? I do!

I love your visualization of the rope and how heavy it is. I intend to use that to help me as I move towards making myself stronger for whatever lies ahead. I, too, have a tremendous attachment to my H and family. My counselor said while that means it will take longer to detach from him, she also said the good news is that those of us that have attached so strongly will definitely attach in the future. Except in the future, I think the rope shouldn't be so heavy for us. A healthy relationship probably has different size ropes at different times and both people have to hold the rope to help the other.

Really great insight in your post. Thank you for sharing - I can relate to a lot of what you said but haven't been able to put it into words myself.


M 44 H 46
M 20yrs T 25 yrs
S15 S12

ILYBINILWY 7/18/15
Move to MBR 9/8/15
Physical Separation 10/10/15
Suspect A 8/2015
Confirm A 12/27/15
D filed by H 2/2/16
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Originally Posted By: Tyler12
To me it is frustrating and angering, saddening and a whole range of emotions. Yet if I say I don't want this then to her I am being controlling and I will get told we are not together and I have no right to tell her how to live her life even if it effects the boys.


No, you dont really have any control over her. But if you are genuinely concerned for your kids, then I think thats OK to discuss.

Do you have any reason to think that they arent safe there? What is your actual concern regarding them?

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Tyler12 Offline OP
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Thank you Thornton and broke. I feel really good about where I am heading and your posts give me a positive outlook towards where I am going.

Azzork. No I don't believe they are in danger, I think my issue stems from a lack of control in their lives. Not that I want to overlook each and every aspect, more to over see it. I also have a fear that I am being replaced in a sense. I know I am their father and that can never be changed. It's more they are doing things, having life events that OM is involved in and not myself. The problem is that this is still very new in the grand sense of life. And that will pass. It did with my older 2 when I separated from first W. And now I am excited to hear about their adventures, tho they don't involve OP as she is single.. I think? Don't really care. Haha.

I have an advantage in being able to draw off previous detachment and D and know that I come out te other side alive and well. The issues I have are personal, jealousy, fear, acceptance. They are subsiding and though they may rear their ugly head from time to time I am making the conscious decision to address my emotions instead of reacting to them.


The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
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Originally Posted By: Tyler12
the point is what I feel is disgust.

Disgust with myself for hanging onto this. For shedding so many tears over this. For having this distorted vision that things will be back to a family someday. Disgust that I want to be with someone and love someone, have that someone love me back that would walk away from a family, tear apart 4 children's world all for a selfish, entitled feeling of their own happiness. Which she couldn't even do on her own.

I feel stupid for holding out hope for someone that would do this to another person. Zues nailed it on the head today when he wrote this.


I am so felling like this today and can totally relate. Some days I want to reconcile and other days I am disgusted with myself for wanting to stay and be with someone who has absolutely no respect for me or our marriage. I also don't know how someone can say they care / are concerned for the child(ren) yet still do what they do.

It sounds like you had a big revelation and are making progress. I also liked your rope analogy because I see the same type of rope. Keep up the work, D3 wants my attention. Got to go.


Me:44 W:38
T:10.5 M:7.5
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BD: 7/2015
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WW files for D: 2/8/2016
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Originally Posted By: Tyler12


I feel stupid for holding out hope for someone that would do this to another person. Zues nailed it on the head today when he wrote this.

Sometimes I think, who are these people that would get involved with a married person?

Then I think, who are these people that would get involved with OP when they are married?

But I always go back to, who are these people that would allow themselves to remain emotionally attached to a married person that would get involved with OP?


That last sentence is very interesting and an excellent point. However, we are all flawed and prone to temptation. I was actually the one with the EA in my first marriage and I have the opportunity to see both sides.

It was 18 years ago and I promised myself I'd never go down that path again. The guilt, shame, and the broken bond of trust are never worth it. That experience does give me some insight on how my WW feels though. Cheating sneaks up on a person. It starts out as friendship, attraction, then you end up complaining about your spouse. The next thing you know you are in love and can't turn it around until it runs it's course.

I've been tempted to get too close to other women while in my 2nd marriage but never let anything develop. If I started to see trouble by getting too close to someone else, I'd turn the other way and never look back. I owed my 2nd wife that, I never wanted to hurt her like I did my 1st wife. Sometimes you need to have that type of experience to realize what is happening and when to nip it in the bud.

Look what good it did me! wink


M41 W39
D3
Open Marriage Request by W 6/15
BD 9/15
1st EA 10/15
2nd EA discovered: 1/16
I moved out: 1/16
2nd EA blew apart 2/16
PA 4/16
I've had enough, filing for D
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The resentment, anger and disgust for this person I called my W is at a high today. For someone who I trusted with all of me to have the ability to say so much sh!t and act the complete opposite, totally self absorbed with no one in her mind but herself. Tho she will say she is thinking of the kids too, which is bs.

When she still lived in the house she would say stuff like she was afraid I would fall back into financial trouble again because she wasn't there to watch over it and manage it. I was too. And I am doing fine with it, except the money I had to get me through school is now gone, Why? Because she wasn't getting any income and I had to cover bills, day care costs from here and she felt entitled to pay her rent with my mortgage money as "her check would cover it and her land lord was up her a$$". Well she had been gone a month now and have I seen any of it back? Not a red cent. Now my mortgage company wants their money and I don't have it.

I asked her yesterday if I can give them a date? And all I got back was I have to move money over for my car payment.
She didn't want me in financial trouble and know what I may be because she f'd me over on this!
Oh and it was soooo important that the older 2 kids her step kids remained part of her life. I asked D12 if she had texted her at all in a month. Nope not once. She said hi and gave them a hug when we met for S1 b day but that was it. Never asks about them. How their life is. She has become such a disgusting person to me. The loving caring beautiful souled woman I loved is gone.
Is she gone forever? I don't really care right now. It just makes me mad because I still feel the pull of my heart toward her, it's sad because it's toward the woman she was, not is.


The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
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I want to add that I am pissed at myself for leaving myself open to allowing her to access my money as I was working on moving direct withdrawals to my account. I put it off a bit. It is all done now and there is no reason for me to have any money in the joint account from now on.


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Hey Ty,

Totally understand your anger, I do. Come here to vent and get it out but do not release it on your W.

You are in a anger stage right now but it won't last forever. You might end up back in the loneliness and start really missing W again. Don't make any mistakes here that could hurt your chances in the future.

Find ways to release that anger without going off on your W.

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