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A Message from Michele
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New to the forum, need advice. Heres the basic info:

*Together 14 years
*Both in 30s
*No Kids/Rent Apartment
*She suffered a death in her family this year that drove her into a deep depression
*I realized there was something wrong in December and this whole ordeal began
*After her denying it the entire time I finally uncovered solid proof that she is having an affair
*She finally admitted to having an affair, but said its over
*She refuses to cut off contact with OM
*Continued snooping shows that they are still having affair

The past 2 months have been hell. Initially we had a conversation where she said she was emotionally detached, wasnt sure if she wanted to stay together, etc. I was devastated, but thought that it was a result of the death she had suffered through earlier this year. I turned into superman overnight, cooking, cleaning, retail therapy, etc. Not overboard, but genuine. She completly pulled away...no affection, no I love yous, cringed when I touched her, etc. We suffered through the holidays around both our families and friends as we hid what was going on. After several long long conversations I started to suspect an affair. Lots of vague answers, weird responses, and just a general feeling of unrest. She maintained that wasnt the case. I snooped deeply and began uncovering lots of info. I made the mistake of confronting her several times without solid proof in the hopes that her guilt would allow her to be honest with me. We have always had an open realtionship, so this new world of deception was very confusing for me. For the next few weeks I spiraled out of control as the constant snooping drove me literally out of my mind. Thankfully towards the beginning of this whole ordeal I had begun to setup an appointment for therapy in the hopes that I could get some insight into how best to help her through her depression, but at this point I needed it to save myself. Ended up getting placed with the same therapist that she was seeing out of blind luck, and after revealing that to him he decided that he shouldnt see me. On the plus side I was able to get on some meds to help with the anxiety and depression...although both arent really doing much for me this week. In any case, she had gaslighted me (great term..just learned it and it describes my situation perfectly) for the entire time to the point where I had questioed my own sanity. Last week we had managed to have a couple good days in a row and took a trip to hang out with her family for the weekend. Had a great time and everything felt normal for the first time in months. When we got home I noticed an update to one of the programs I had used to snoop on her and for some reason decided to update it and check it out. For the first time I saw all of the text messages that she had deleted and everything that I had thought was verified in plain text (and a lot of cute emoticons). Not only did she have an affair, but it was still going on.

I confronted her about it and she denied it for a couple days before I finally pryed the infomation out of her. The worst part was the reaction that she had when I asked if it was the guy who I thought it was (her former boss). When I said his name she had a huge smile, laughed, and said yes. That hurt. What also hurt was that she was more concerned with how this affected her relationship with him than what it meant for the two of us. I asked if she would be willing to cut contact with him and she refused. I gave the ultimatum that it was either cut contact or I would have to leave. She told me to go right ahead. She said now that I know the truth it was going to take years to restore the relationship, and she didnt want to deal with that.

So, at this point Im really struggling. I love her tremendously, and its tough to fathom that a matter of weeks can overwrite 14 years together. But, she is deep in the middle of an affair with this guy and he has all of her emotions tied up. Given the stress this has caused (this was the short version) I cant realistically make it through more than a few more weeks of this hell. I cant sleep due to the constant images of her and him, can barely eat, barely function at work, and have avoided all friends and family for the past couple months now.

So I guess the question is: what now? As crazy as it sounds I would love for this to work, but there is abviously no chance the longer her affair continues and/or she remains in contact with this guy. Ive made nothing but mistakes along the way, would love some insight so I dont make any more.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-67, D35,S34
Joined: Jan 2007
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Hey! Dknyc

This totally [censored].

I'm sorry you're here.

Start with Sandi's rules for the wayward wife. (someone with a wife in an affair). It's the perfect thread for you

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Basically:

1. Take care of your self. Eat well, exercise, get some sleep, do something that distracts you like boxing, rock-climbing and the martial arts.

2. Do not move out. She should.

3. See a lawyer to know about your rights.

4. Thank God you don't have kids to drag through this.

5. Showing resolve and backbone will garner her respect and re-establish attraction. It's also a wake-up call to her.

Best of luck!!!




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dknyc, I am sorry to see you here and to read your story. I know the pain you are speaking about, ultimatums that are rejected, sleepless nights and not knowing what to do next.

Right now, take a deep breath. Pull away from W for your sake. Get out of your home for a few hours, and surround yourself with friends and family. Don't answer any questions your W has right now. Are you exercising?

And stop snooping. It is only causing you pain. You already know what is going on.

Have you read DR?


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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Originally Posted By: dknyc
New to the forum, need advice. Heres the basic info:


So I guess the question is: what now? As crazy as it sounds I would love for this to work, but there is abviously no chance the longer her affair continues and/or she remains in contact with this guy. Ive made nothing but mistakes along the way, would love some insight so I dont make any more.


Hello dknyc,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

There is much that can be done. The most important thing is for you to focus on YOU! Start something new for yourself like a different exercise routine or a cooking class. Anything that will solely benefit you.

Go ahead and detach, but definitely do not move out.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Joined: Dec 2015
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Hi dknyc,

So sorry you are here but it is a good place to be. It won't make the pain go away but it can help with your sanity. I've been married 19 years and discovered my W's A on Dec 30th of last year. I confronted her 6 days later (took some time to wrap my head around it all) and we separated immediately. The devastation you are feeling is the most horrible thing in the world. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.
The pain is going to be with you a while. I don't think there is anything that can make it go away other than time. And you cycle between every imaginable emotion; sometimes all in the same day. Its exhausting and you'll feel like you can't go on.
The hardest thing to come to grips with is to know that you have NO control over the situation. Your 14 years together means nothing to her right now. She could care less. The ONLY thing you have control over is yourself. So get a plan together and work on YOU.
I would also recommend that you stop the spying. That has been very difficult for me to do personally. Just yesterday, I made myself delete my FB app from my phone and took the bookmark of my browser so that I wouldn't be so tempted to look at things. In my case, every time I looked, I could see the the EA is still going on even though I believe the physical has stopped. Every time I see it, it sends me into a downward spiral and I just can't deal with that anymore. No good can come from continuing to torture yourself. Let it go. She is not going to come back unless she wants to no matter what you do.
I feel like [censored] every day but I'm trying to take care of myself. I've lost 20 lbs since we separated but I've been exercising and running every day. You need to try and do the same. At first, you're not even going to be able to make it day to day. Start with hour to hour.
Post often. This is a good group and you'll have support here. Go to counseling. Talk to friends you can trust. Take care of yourself the best you can.

LiM


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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Ditto on sandi's rules about wayward W's. Separate your finances and ask her to move out if she is going to continue to disrespect you with an ongoing A. Or you move out if that is a better option for you. When you have children it is normally advised to stay with them but you don't have that so whether you go or she does is really what you feel is best. If you move, make sure you are no longer a party to the current apartment lease.


Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5

Moderated by  Virginia 

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