I'm not ready to file yet. I'm just not there emotionally yet. I know I'm not at that point. And I know I can't resort to an ultimatum if there's no teeth to it. That's why I'm going to try to get back to myself for a bit, live in my skin and enjoy the feel of the air passing over me.
I'm not sure what will bring my wife out of the fog, but I'm not going to concern myself with that right now. I know myself and I know that all I'd do is obsess over what actions could have the best effect. And I'd lose myself in the process. It took me long enough to realize that parts of me were missing. I'm sure as hell not going back to being a partial copy of what I want to be.
I totally understand. These things come to each of us in our own time. At this time in my situation I also wasn't ready. Considering this you have to not allow yourself to get pulled back in just to get crushed again. That's too damaging. I'm fully convinced I won't live near as long as I would have before all this went down. Although I'm happy today, my W's MLC and the nightmarish sh*tstorm that followed has left me permanently scarred and weaker mentally, emotionally, and physically. If you want to live to be 100, and I did, then you need to be healthy in all those areas and I think I'm as healthy as I can be but I also think it left me permanently damaged.
I would spare you that if I could. If you're not ready then stick to the 180 plan. The "ebbs and flows" of which you speak will leave you a shell of your former self. Please don't let that happen. As long as she's in the fog, don't let yourself get sucked back in. If she's not remorseful (and I mean almost suicidal remorseful) and hasn't cut all contact with OM and doesn't sound more like her old sane self then she's still in the fog and you need to keep your distance for your own protection. Her thinking she can be over an A but still keep in contact with the person means she's still eyebrows deep in the fog. Beware.
I'm still angry about my W's contact with the OM, but I will not let it eat me alive. I am trying to continue my detachment journey, and doing my best not to try to figure out what my wife is doing or what she wants regarding our future.
I know she wants to appear like she is trying to work on us. Staying at home all the time. Talking with me about her day. Now she's started making a big dinner once a week. She even made sure I continued with some GAL activities when I nearly abandoned them this weekend when my son got sick. But I remain skeptical. I'm not sure what I am waiting to for, what I am waiting to see/hear. But I know I'm not there yet.
Even though I am still in limbo this actually feels like a better version of what I've been feeling. I'm not confident, but I am calm. I believe what I am trying to do is not be washed and worn down by my wife's emotional ebbs and flows, but rather to become a rock of consistency that remains intact and true despite the tumultuous seas battering it. I need to be that rock not only for my emotional sanity, but also for my family. Although I think I've managed to mostly avoid acting my frustrations out on my kids, it's too easy for me to get carried away by my wife's emotions and then transfer them to my kids. IO am making a conscious choice to not let that happen.
So here is to being a rock. Not unfeeling, not uncaring. It's about not reacting. Thinking things through. Acting consistently with love.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Great post Sci! Sounds like you are doing great work and things may be turning around a bit for you. Be careful the things your W is doing isn't just breadcrumbs. I have the same questions as you, how will you know? When is there an epiphany or a bell goes off, either that progress has been made and its time to work on reconciliation? Or just the opposite when it is time to walk away? According to my counselor, which does not help me at all is, "you will know. at that time in your heart you will know." While that doesn't help I do think it is true, at some point you just know. In order to know, however, I think you need to follow the small signs of progression, those little signs, yield, stop, speed limit and so on eventually lead to you your sign and you realize "oh I am here."
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Keep up whatever you can. It is a LONG marathon. Months, maybe years. That's tough to accept, but I'm in the same spot as you. W got contacted by OM on Valentine's Day, and started talking with him again. I think his D is coming to a close, so he needs validation, and the EA starts again. Maybe not, but either way, I can't control it. I made way too many attempts at MR, when I was better off focused on what I can control in my personal life, and be there for the kids. My W's heart issues aren't fixable via any quick fix, and will take months - I'm thinking 6 months minimum - to get to the point where she would be willing to put me first, in front of her, on anything. Until then, the M sits.
Continue to transform into the best version of you that you can be. Honest, trustworthy, kind, calm, smiling, devoted to your kids, courageous, selfless, and hard working.
Your W will figure out what she's missing in due time. If not, her loss.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
I hope I'm not fooling myself, but things seem to be going very well. Honestly feels too good to be true and in the back of my mind I am terrified that I'm reading the situation all wrong. I am trying to remain detached (but caring) and I think I'm succeeding most of the time.
My wife is continuing to support me, even when I lose my cool with the kids. Nothing horrible, but I showed my frustration with them a little more than usual. Instead of immediately taking their side and using it as an opportunity to point out a flaw in me (which she would have done even 3 months ago) my wife and I were a united front. It was nice and weird at the same time.
Not much more to report, but I hope to have more to say after the weekend (good or bad). Thank you all for your continued support!
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
