At the end of the last thread, my wife started texting me a bit. I think I handled it OK but of course it could have been better. Thanks so much for everyone here for helping me out and hitting me with those 2x4's when needed. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
Not much new over the past few days. WW has not contacted me since. I was not expecting her to but would not have been surprised if she did.
Regardless if she was temp checking or not, I have to take it as a somewhat positive sign. As DR says, you have to take note of the little things. In my case, it is hard to monitor any progress because we are apart. But she has hit every 'sign post' that I laid out so far even though they are small. I think the next 'signposts' are another out of the blue contact, phone call, and her wanting to meet in person.
I do wonder what she is thinking after our last interaction. It had to have caught her off guard, thrown her for a loop. I wonder what happens next.. something, nothing? I have to be patient. It's hard but I can do it at least until the 1 year mark.
I guess one thing I am unsure of and not sure if I will ever get there, but how do you know when she (and I) is in the right place to maybe give things a try? Know what I mean? As caliguy said, the push pull game is tricky and right now I am trying to just trying to let her pull.
another great sandi post in trumpets thread... adding it here.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I notice that whenever something similar is posted, several people will respond about the happy news. Did I miss the part about reconciling? Just b/c she has had a little while to feel regret for what she's done, does not mean you have reconciled!
I'm not trying to rain on your parade. I hope you believe me. My daughter was instrumental in cracking through the fog barrier. However, it was a long ways off for anyone to start passing out the party hats. Cracking through the fog is just a beginning, and I want to believe you realize it. Don't get too caught up in all the congrats, b/c you have yet to see if your WW is going to overcome her addiction. You said you thought she'd go through withdrawals, well I can promise you she will.......if she goes NC. Mine lasted for months. It is not a fun time for either spouse. And this bring me to another point.
I agree with several things Georgia Bulldogs says, but there are some things I do not agree with him. One of those things is to start "dating" your W right away. Oh, you can go do things together, just don't refer to it as a date. Don't use the word "date" with her. Calling it a date implies romance. It implies you have expectations. If you place romantic pressure on her right away, she will think her feelings for you won't return and she'll return to an affair....or just leave. She won't have desire for two men at the same time. She had stopped having feelings for you whenever she started things with the OM, right? So, she will need time to go through withdrawals of the addictive pull of the feelings for him. This is what I don't get about LBH'S. Some of them seem to think the minute the A ends, the WW should have the hots for the H. It just doesn't work that way.
So yes, find fun things to do as a family, as well as just the two of you. I don't even see a problem about taking a short trip, if you can do it without her feeling pressured to be intimate, by being surrounded by a romantic atmosphere and placed in a hotel room with one bed. If she feels that you are trying to trap her in a situation such as that, she'll balk. It will take time, and taking things slowly, for her to be ready for intimacy.
If she is real about saving the M, then this is the time to be friends. You still need to show strength and leadership (always) and don't get lazy and fall back into old habits. As she's going through withdrawals, she'll need your friendship to support her. Now, I don't think she should discuss her feeling for OM with her H, b/c IMHO that's not very respectful to her H.
Btw, I hope you won't misunderstand why I say this........I think it might be best not to compare your addiction and what has worked for you to her addiction. Not if she's just starting, and besides the porn is just too sensitive subject for her and I think she sees you being a little self righteous. (not that you are, but as she sees you).
As you said, you both need to attend MC to help you heal the M.
One more thing and then I'll close. This is the time to get an agreement about full transparency from her. Whatever you will need to help you heal over the A, now is the time to tell her. And, she has the same right to tell you regarding the porn. I think you said you have already been practicing transparency. If she doesn't jump up and click her heels in the air b/c of your success, don't let it get the best of you. It's b/c her heart is completely right yet.
I read a sign today that made me think of all the DBers with a wayward spouse. It said, "Behavior is changed when the heart has changed". I think that fits nicely with listen to nothing they say and only believe half of what you see them do. A person's attitude pretty much gives us a glimpse of their heart every time.
Pinn I have often wondered when it is time to try something. But i have to come to the conclusion that i will either know or she will come to me. IN my relationship with W the reason we came to be is because i did not chase her like every other guy. I wanted her more than any of them but i didn't do it. I secretly was chasing her in my own way. Creating opportunities for myself around her, but when we were there i made myself who everyone wanted to be around. I think this drove her nuts and she started approaching me.
I have got to find that balance again.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
That is interesting OTW. My case is actually similar. When we were younger, I literally pretended I wanted nothing to do her though I did. She was really infatuated with me then. Fast forward, 3 years and that was over. Then it was on and off for a while. Then I said that was it, no more, I stopped given her the time of day. 4 months later shes back. The that ended and we were off for about 4 years but I still talked to her waaaay too much. She got a new bf, and I said fine, that's it. I went no contact for about a year, actually very similar to the state I am in now. Then all of the sudden she started pursing like crazy and we were back together, eventually getting married. That lasted 6 years. I guess I had given in to easy every time.
This is why sometimes I question if this is worth it. I do want to be with her, but the pattern is too consistent. I have to figure out how to break it.
7 months since BD today. Wow. Sometimes I wonder if WW is aware of this day.
I have not heard from WW or contacted her since the texts from last week. They did get my spinning though. Congrats WW. I really had/have the urge to reach out to her with something tonight but I will try to fight that off. I hurt myself playing hockey and have had to take a week off from the gym. The lack of working out really does affect my mental state. I will be back on Saturday no matter what.
I am just going to spew some thoughts. I think about that interaction last week. I believe her when she says she was dreaming about me, it *seemed* legitimate but even if that is true it does not mean anything I guess. If it was anything to take note of she would have made a more serious comment right?
That was the second time she made a comment about me not talking to her or me making it clear quickly that I did not want to talk. The other was around xmas. Yea, maybe it was a WW temper tantrum. I don't want to scare the squirrel off by running after it but I do not want it to think there is no food around either. Does that make sense? She needs to know there is a path back right? I bet she would say right now like she tried talking to me but I was not giving her the time of day. If she contacts me again, I think I'll have to come across more friendly.
So I guess for now I just keep going as I have been. I would have never predicted 7 months ago that I would be in this limbo state without divorce even technically being mentioned or discussed. I thought I was going to be divorced quickly. For a while, I was surprised every month that went by where she did not bring it up. Who knows where I'll be in another 7 months.
Pinn I understand completely. I will update my thread tomorrow but I actually had some interaction with my w today and I decided to make it as positive as I could. I know I shouldn't read into anything. It I did feel better. I also know I shouldn't because the down side of nothing coming from it is tough to deal with. Basically I should take it for what it was and not look into good or bad. I also should do that when bad things happen also!
Anyway it led to a little more tonight about S4 bday. I decided to keep engaged and when the conversation seemed to be winding down input closure to it.
So I recommend the next chance you take it to be positive and upbeat. Don't expect anything but go ahead and engage some. See what happens. No reason to be cold all the time right?!
Be careful what you say though
B at of luck
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I'm back to thinking about pushing for a resolution to this again (aka divorce). My mind swings pretty wildly lately. I am just not seeing enough positive signs. We don't talk, I don't see her... what is the point of continuing like this? I have no idea where her head is at. I want to ask her, but I can't. I have not heard from her since her texts two weeks ago. Even if we were to try to build a new marriage, I feel like I would always be waiting for her to do this again. I don't think I would ever be comfortable in that relationship. She has decided time and time again that I am not right for her... maybe I should just trust those decisions.
I feel like it has been a long time since BD and she should know what she wants by now. She knows 100% what it is like to live without me. So why does she not push for divorce??... I don't understand. I would prefer it at this point. I just don't know what to do. I have been doing nothing for a long time. In a lot of ways, I want this all behind me.
Sorry for the rant... I am frustrated by this lately. Maybe I should sign up for a coaching session... I'll think about it.
Glad to hear from you. First I don't think in the grand scheme of things it has been that long. Think about how long it prob took her to get to the point of wanting to leave. Prob years.
If you feel you are ready to be done then be done. Don't say you are just going to be done because it is hard or you feel she isn't coming back. That to me means you are not over her but are over the situation
I guess that is fine also. But I hope it isn't a ploy to get a reaction. If you really feel you are done, you don't care what she is doing, if she showed up tomorrow and wanted to work and you would say no. Then you might be done. If not. Do nothing.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Thanks for the post! I had to take time away from here for a bit. Sometimes, it does not make me feel very good to be on here too much.
In terms of it not being that long, I mean we were only married 2 years before BD, it has been over 7 months since now. But the other issue that I have been thinking of is history. Over the past 16 years or so, she has fired me 3 times and left me dangling in the wind a bunch of other times (hang out for weeks then nothing etc). I feel like I understand the difficulties we had, where I contributed to those and how I can improve myself (which I am doing). I just don't know if it would ever work with her. Another forum, basically told me to cut my losses months ago.
Would I be doing it to get a reaction? I don't think so, but I would need to think about it more. Here is the problem... if she showed up tomorrow and wanted to work on things, showed true remorse and agreed to certain conditions, yes of course I would work on it. But then what are the chances of this happening again given the history? It could be even worse next time. I have never given anyone else a chance because she always had my attention. She gave plenty of others a chance. Maybe it is time for someone else.
I am not going to do anything today or tomorrow. She will have to contact me about her tax documents eventually. I'll probably wait until at least that point.
I am sorry for ranting.. this is not usually like me but thanks for listening
