So today is 18 months since BD. It's crazy how long ago that it seems. I'm not sure if many are here still that would remember me or my story. I posted regularly through my separation but my XW was reading it every step of the way. After she called me out, I stopped and then switched to a new username, which I found out months later she was still watching. So, I decided that by the time she confronted me on this username, I didn't really need the support from this place and have stepped away.
I'm not sure what compelled me to post this, but I felt like anyone still around would be interested in an update.
My life is good. In fact it's REALLY good. - I've been dating a new girl for about 10 months and things are going incredibly well. She's moved in with me and I couldn't be happier about the state of the relationship. The biggest difference in this relationship and the previous one is in the way that we are able to communicate with each other. I've learned that if there is a disagreement, the solution isn't about defending my position, it's about hearing the other side and determining what to do better the next time together. One example was that I came home late one night and GF was annoyed that I wanted to do stuff on my phone instead of cuddle with her in bed. The next day we talked about it and I could see her side and apologized that my actions led to her feeling unimportant. I explained my thoughts and acknowledged how I could have done things differently. While not a major fight by any stretch, this kind of dialogue helps to cut any building resentment or disappointment so that we can avoid the major fights.
- speaking of coming in late, I've worked very hard to maintain as much of the GAL activities as I can. While I understand that I can't and shouldn't neglect our relationship, I do need to make sure that I retain my identity as a person as well. So I continue going to my game nights and Pathfinder nights. I've also gone out with work friends a couple times. These are things I never would have dreamed of doing while M, and if I did go, I would always find a way to beg off early. Also, GAL with the GF and with my Ds is very strong. There are never days with the kids where we just sit around. We also try to do many new things as a foursome or with friends.
- speaking of my kids, my R with them is remaining strong. Co-parenting is very difficult. I liken it to one of those Top Chef relay races where you pick up a recipe halfway through and try to finish it. There's like a status check every week when I get them to see how everything is going and then we pick up from there. That said, I think I am doing a good job with them. They love my GF (and her dog) and that really makes things easier. I think the four of us work really well together. Also, with having my GF around, it creates time for us to have one on one time with each kid.
Anyway, that's really my life for now. I came here as a last ditch effort to save my marriage. It's clear that didn't happen, and I'm ok with that. By being here, I was able to learn so much about myself and about relationships, and I appreciate the doors that were opened for me because of that.
I have no idea what drove me to post again today, but figure I should give some kind of update. I guess it's a holiday weekend so work is kinda slow...so, here I am!
It's been over two years since XW moved out now. In some sense, it's crazy how long ago it seems, and in another sense, there are still times where I can remember specific sights, sounds, or feels from that time so vividly. I wonder if anyone here remembers my story as I was only posting for a few months before my ex found this site and my posts and requested strongly that I have it all taken down. Regardless of the outcome, I believe that I learned a lot about love and relationships during the time I was posting here.
As a quick recap of my sitch, I had BD in March, separated in April, she moved out in June, told me about the boyfriend in July, and we were divorced by November. She married the other man last spring and Ive been dating my current girlfriend for about a year and a half now. Thinking back, it's all been a crazy whirlwind, but I appreciate how life has continued to settle down over the last 12-18 months to get to a point where everything is more or less in a routine now.
Ive kept a good bit of my GAL activities and maintained the boundaries that I set for myself as best as I could. It's interesting when I look around and see just how different my life is now than just 2 years ago. I have my family and one friend couple who Ive been friends with almost 20 years; aside from that, everyone else in my life is totally new either through GAL or my GF's 'network'. The furniture and paint in my house is almost all completely redone since the end of the marriage; it's like I got picked up and put into a new life!
My kids have handled life better than even I could have expected. It's got to be tough on them having several sets of rules and expectations, but they are great kids and theyve really transitioned into having multiple households great. I still get that "relay race handoff" feel every time I pick them up from school on switch day, but it's become more regular over time. Them being used to the schedule of who is where on what day and keeping it fairly consistent has really been good for them.
We do all kinds of fun things with them, and honestly, I think they like my GF more than they like me; she is all about spoiling them with parties and play dates and the like. I thought I was doing a good job when it was just me, but she really takes things up a few notches over anything I could have done.
My relationship with GF still feels strong. On occasion, I can still sense when I am reverting back to old relationship habits: being cheap about things that dont require frugality, being lazy about silly things, diminishing her accomplishments, and so on, but now, I am much more aware of those things and I can course correct myself. Most of the other things Ive mentioned before have continued to stick and I feel proud about that. I still have things I want to improve about myself and how I behave within the relationship, and I know I need to do a better job of concretely identifying those and setting personal goals for them.
Anyway, thats enough for now, I suppose. I hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected.
It sounds like your DB strategies have served you well. You are so smart to recognize that slipping back to your old ways are not where you want to be headed. Keep your DB resources handy and refer to them anytime.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I was here last spring, and my now-XW found and followed all 15+ threads that I had over the course of signing our legal separation. Those threads have since been buried into the ether, but I still read and give updates on me periodically.
If you ever want those threads back I can bring them back from the hidden board. Let me know.
I figured it has been long enough that everyone deserves an update on me. My girlfriend and I were engaged last week after over 2.5 years of dating. It's very exciting and Im hopeful that I can use the skills Ive learned over the last few years to really make this into a long-lasting relationship. I believe that she and I are a great match and have a lot of potential for success together. Were working on planning the wedding for early 2019 and were both very happy!
To all of the people out there struggling now, Ive been there. Listen to all of the people on here that tell you to keep moving, to keep thinking positive, to just keep going one day at a time. The only way through the darkest ties is forward. I remember thinking on a plane ride once that if it went down, nobody would really even care/notice. We ALL have people in our lives that care for us and about us. We just need to keep focusing on those positive aspects, and grow those.
I figured it has been long enough that everyone deserves an update on me. My girlfriend and I were engaged last week after over 2.5 years of dating. It's very exciting and Im hopeful that I can use the skills Ive learned over the last few years to really make this into a long-lasting relationship. I believe that she and I are a great match and have a lot of potential for success together. Were working on planning the wedding for early 2019 and were both very happy!
To all of the people out there struggling now, Ive been there. Listen to all of the people on here that tell you to keep moving, to keep thinking positive, to just keep going one day at a time. The only way through the darkest ties is forward. I remember thinking on a plane ride once that if it went down, nobody would really even care/notice. We ALL have people in our lives that care for us and about us. We just need to keep focusing on those positive aspects, and grow those.
Wishing you all the best.
UNBELIEVABLY WELL SAID!! Matt, thanks for coming back and letting newbies know that there is light at the end of the tunnel!
Congrats on the engagement. Well done on giving it 2.5 years as well. The problem so many make these days is getting married too quickly. Get to know the other person. And her family, before making a life-long commitment. Marriage is difficult, and you need to make sure before you jump. I think the minimum dating length should be 2 years. That is long enough for most of the warts to show through.
Again, congrats!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
