Deciding Whether to Separate

[brutus3]

We are meeting with a mediator tomorrow to discuss the separation. I won't agree to anything until I discuss it with an attorney. I'm getting so uncomfortable being in my own home, I'm not sure how much longer and I can keep living with the wife.

[brutus3]

So as of yesterday, I think I've decided to move out once we have a separation agreement in place. I'm pretty much at my wits end with this in house separation. I've detached and it's been remarkably easy I can't stand to look at her. It makes no sense to me why she would do this to our family.

It might take some time to negotiate the terms. We are going to try to work it out then I'll have the terms reviewed by an attorney before I sign anything. We have to discuss child support and all that since our incomes are so different. She claims she doesn't want to make it hard on me and is willing to help out but I don't know.

This morning I looked at a small house to rent and since then, I've been depressed. My life is getting completely dismantled. I'm confused on what to do and to even agree to anything with her at this point. I need time.

[brutus3]

I posted here earlier regarding my situation with my wife:
above.

She has wanted to separate for a few months now. Basically, she thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

I thought our Florida trip would bring us closer but it didn't. When we got home, she insisted we separate. I did the math, spoke to an attorney, and she and I drew up a rough separation agreement. We were avoiding each other pretty much all of the time and it was getting very uncomfortable. I felt like I was loosing my mind. I found a 2 bedroom house to rent that's affordable, which is rare in our community. Housing is very tough to come by in our area so I got VERY LUCKY. So I started packing...

Around this time, I was suspecting she was seeing someone else. She was texting constantly and more than usual, which is a lot under normal circumstances. Her texting was driving me nuts. I ran into her male friend/client that she likes to text with at the store and he gave me and my daughter a funny look. My hackles went up.

I know I'm not supposed to snoop but my wife left her computer logged in at work and I found out that she was setting up dates with that guy just a few days ago. However, she was telling me she was going to the gym and hanging out with a female co-worker. I didn't say anything, just quietly kept packing (with more gusto) and got the go ahead from the rental agent to move in early. I did.

I got moved in and unpacked. I was pretty detached from her at this point and feeling great about things. About a week later, she stopped to pick up our daughter and she asked if the 3 of us could grab a bite to eat at one of the pubs. Unfortunately, I accepted her invitation and I had a very dark couple of days after that. I even drunk texted her "boyfriend" which was stupid and I texted her too, saying I loved her. Very stupid and my self-confidence crashed. This was a huge mistake and it took a few days to recover from that. Lesson learned. I told her I couldn't be her "best friend", like she wanted. I needed to set some boundaries, as much as it hurts.

So anyway, I've been healing from my last mistake and I'm feeling good again. I've been in my place a couple of weeks. Although I hurt and I need a good cry about once a day, I know I'll be okay just as long as I keep my cool. I'm less stressed out when contact is sparse between me and my wife. I keep it brief verbally and with texts. I feel better about myself and my confidence builds when I'm in this mode.

I figure this is the only way I can win her back. If I back off from her, I'm able to build myself up again into the man I was when we met. She may never come back but I know I'll be okay. If she hasn't done so already, she'll probably sleep with other people. I really don't have any interest in that, at least for now. I finished divorce busting and I'm more convinced that I did the right thing for ME, by moving out. It's what I NEED. Plus, I don't have to listen to her stupid phone going off every 30 seconds. Every time I heard that "ding", my blood pressure would skyrocket.

I need to focus on my daughter and myself now. By obsessing over what my wife was doing while I was living with her, I couldn't focus on what was important. I need to focus on the people that love me now and the new relationships I'll be able to form.

[brutus3]

So I'm definitely noticing a pattern. Just like last Wednesday, my wife picked up our daughter from my place and has her for 3 nights. I started choking up as she loaded my daughter in the car. I haven't cried in 3 days. Instead of walking into town and grabbing a few drinks like last Wednesday, I treated myself to a movie and watched 13 Hours. I got so depressed on the way home. Thought about texting the wife, driving by my old place to see if there is someone else parked there. Very dark thoughts...

Made it home, going to do some art. I was messaging an old college buddy and told him what was going on with me. He actually envied me (so did my happily married boss). I thought that was interesting.

I also messaged my 1st wife (1995 to 2001) to gain some perspective on what happened to my first marriage. I actually had an EA on her because she was crazy possessive but went back to my wife and tried to work on our marriage. My 1st wife ended up leaving me after a couple of years, found someone else. The pain from my EA I think did too much damage. However, my ex did admit that leaving me was a huge regret and she wish she stayed and tried to work out our problems. He admitted that her problems never went away, they always came back when she was with other men.

Anyway, so that was my week....

[Thornton]

Hang in there Brutus. One day at a time my friend.

[brutus3]

So I've been having a good few days. I've kept communication with my wife sparse, short texts only about our daughter and finances.

Starting to get a life again. Yesterday kept myself busy with showing property, studying for my new career, and even went out and did some volunteer work at a local church (packing donations for Syrian refugees in Greece). It felt really good to give something back and I'll have to do more of it. Afterwards I went out to grab a burger by myself in a local pub. It's a small town and I felt a lot of strange looks but I felt comfortable doing so. Went home, drew and played guitar. Was feeling really awesome.

Today my wife and I had a couples counseling session (to get through the separation). Wife insisted we have it at her office which I thought was stupid and told her so. It started off bad, my wife was very upset from the beginning. My wife said that she was still angry about me texting her "friend" last week. As it turns out, she said she lost her "friend" because of it. It sounds like it freaked him out and he broke it off. She also said she was worried about money and was going to miss our daughter when I take her to see my family for 10 days. She was a mess, started crying, said she was worried that I was going to make future dating for her difficult, and said I needed to nut up on getting the separation wrapped up (WTF!) I told her this is her rodeo and she needs to do those things. She also said that she was tired of being the bad guy. I told her that being the spouse that being left behind is devastating and destroys their self-esteem. I asked to put herself in my shoes. It didn't help. So we started fighting again and slinging poop for another 30 minutes or so. I felt horrible afterwards but I'm not sure why. I just walked out after it was over without saying goodbye to her. I'm sure our colleague heard the whole thing from her desk. Smooth one, wife.

She is now alone and that is what's making her miserable. I think she had this picture of the separation as us being buddies through the whole thing and getting each other through it. She's so naïve. I knew this would be an unpleasant experience for her eventually, just not this soon. Everyone keeps telling me she looks like older and tired all of the time. I want to feel bad for her. I still care about her but a big part of me says, you reap what you sow.

[brutus3]

Had a lousy 24 hours after that counseling session on Friday. Somewhat depressed, maybe impending Valentines Day has something to do with it. The next day I was invited to a friend's house for a beer but I declined because I was getting ready to put my daughter to bed. Felt better though and had a decent evening last night.

So I went and got the wife a Valentines Days card. I know, I know what everyone is thinking. All it really said was "You are Loved" and I signed myself and my daughter's name at the bottom. I my daughter scribble over it, the way a 3 yo can do well. I also got my daughter a small bear and a few pieces of chocolate that I let her take to my wife's house. This morning I dropped off my daughter and gave my wife the card. She said thanks and seemed to really appreciate it. She said she hadn't even thought about Valentine's Day (she's a poor liar) and I knew she wouldn't get me anything. I really didn't care. I thought I did the right thing since she seems to be suffering more than I thought.

I noticed that in the kitchen she had printed all of these meme's from Facebook such as "Either you get better or you get bitter...", "UnF-yourself", "Worrying doesn't take away today's troubles", and several more plastered all of the front of the fridge. I told her I thought those were interesting and she seemed embarrassed. I didn't appreciate seeing "UnF-yourself" on the front of my fridge but it's her place now. My wife seems to be acting like a teenager now and unsure of herself. It's quite odd.

So today I've been listening to metal, drawing, and watching the Walking Dead. Feeling just fine for it being Valentines Day...

[trumpet]

Brutus,

Hang in there. Keep using your support network. My wife has posted FB messages, similar to your wife's. If she's got issues, only she can fix them. You do have a gift of time, like Cadet says. I love it that you gave her a card with D3.

I did cry in front of wife, too. Each time, showing lots of emotion. It got me nowhere - a little pity, but my W is looking for strength and a manly man - not a highly emotional crying sack of boy. I've made changes, some have stuck. Working on some others.

How is work for you? Instead of watching TV, could you do something? I got into running until I hurt my achilles.

[brutus3]

Trumpet, oh I only watched the season premier of the Walking Dead. I also watched Vinyl but was disappointed. That's it, I don't watch much tv. I also cleaned the house, worked out, did a lot of drawing. I would have took a run but we had a temp high o -2 yesterday, it's been too damn cold. My Achilles flares up now and then too if I overdo it.

Some days are good, some are bad. I'm still baffled how this all happened. I wake up each morning and it seems unreal that I'm in a different house. That my wife is this different person. I still think it's easier being away from her though.

When we were living in the same house, I was constantly stressed if we were in the same room. Her habit of texting drove me bonkers. I was always trying to assess her mood and looking for any sign of her changing her mind. I'd get angry when she seemed happy and in turn, I'd be delighted if she seemed miserable. It was an unhealthy situation.

The hardest part is not being able to put my daughter to bed and wake her up everyday. When I think about that, my sadness turns to anger. I've been a lousy dad at times, I snap too quickly at her if I'm not feeling strong. I'm trying to get better and recognizing my moods and controlling them when I'm around my daughter.

My daughter is constantly testing me. My wife is much more lax about discipline than me. She lets our daughter eat on the couch or in front of the tv. Gives our daughter a lot of sugar whenever she asks for it. Still gives the poor kid a binky, she'll be 3 in a month. Ugh...

[brutus3]

So a lot has happened in the past 3 months since I last posted. I decided to go through with a last resort. I set up a matchdotcom profile, just to see if she popped up and she did. I told her if she wants to date, that she should really file for divorce. She never did, said she was too busy. I explained to her if she dates and doesn't file for divorce, that I would. It was a big ultimatum, the absolute last resort.

Her 40th birthday happened a few weeks later. It was a big deal on facebook but I was never invited to even the family celebration. I was devastated and pissed. Out of the blue, a woman that lives in town started facebook messaging and we met. We ended up going on a couple of dates and it turned out to be a bad idea. Things happened and I felt guilty. It really confused me emotionally and left me even more depressed. It was a horrible idea and it negated any moral standing I had over the separation. I do not recommend dating during a time like this.

A few more weeks go by and I know my wife is starting to hook up with guys online. Strange guys start liking her posts on facebook. I mentioned something to her and she blocked me. I'm glad she did it because I was getting back into stalking which is a destructive pattern to be in, especially for your self confidence.

Last weekend, I heard she was making out with an out of town guy at a bar. I was so hurt and angry, I started texting her and she denied it of course. She wouldn't answer my phone calls either. The next day she came to pick up my daughter, she brought her sister with her. I told her, in front of her sister, that we didn't even have a separation agreement in place. I said that she was foolish and asked her what she was thinking. Then she admitted to it in her own way. She said, "well now you finally know what I really want." t

She had me watching our daughter for her Friday night, said she was going out with girlfriends. I said ok, I'm not going to turn down time with my daughter. My wife didn't even want to switch nights, she just gave it up. Turns out she was seen again at a bar with a man. I completely lost respect for her at this point.

So I'm carrying out my ultimatum and filing for divorce. Maybe it'll pull her head out of her butt but at this point, I really don't care. I've been getting on with my life. I have a new job, I'm totally immersed in hobbies and taking care of my daughter, who I have with me about 60% of the time. I'm even getting along better with my in-laws than I ever had in the past. I'm actually starting to have a blast with my life again and it feels good. Not everyday is great, I still have some rough days. I'm taking it one week at a time.

I still love her dearly but I cannot keep her from looking for her own happiness. I don't agree with how she's doing it but she's further away from our marriage more than ever. She has no remorse, is dishonest, and doesn't care about anyone but herself. I don't want to be attached to someone like and I have no respect for her. I see her when we meet and I feel hardly anything.

One thing I'd like to point out. I have tried DBing and it's much tougher than it looks. It didn't work well for me. I'd go for weeks keeping it together, not loosing it and then one night...boom! I blew it and had to start over. I felt like I was trying to dam up my feelings and it would get too much. I was suppressing how I felt. I felt like I was faking it and my wife wasn't buying my bull.

It got to the point where I started to have to protect myself and needed to make decisions to create boundaries. That's why I moved out and decided to get on with my life on my own terms. After I moved out, I was able to be free to feel. I could cry alone and not worry about being heard. I could play drums, blast my music, scream at the top of my lungs in the middle of the night. It was all very cathartic.

I know moving out and filing for divorce probably contradicts with the philosophy of this website but each person is different. We all have to do what's best for us.