WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE

[Cadet]

Everything that is happening right now is perfectly normal for a breakup like that.
Sit back and watch.
You can't fix her or anything else.

Lets see if it sticks and keep your boundaries in place.

You don't want to become OM #2 by rescuing or fixing.

[npmyst]

Patience, and taking it slow would be on the top of the list.

This should be the main goal of EVERYONE and EVERY situation here. I don't think this can be stressed enough. Lord knows there were many times I thought I understood the meaning of "patience" yet to be smacked with reality over and over again...

[trumpet]

npmyst,

I am a fixer, I think I am right, and therefore, work at my speed!

Life, and relationships, work as a dance. I keep wanting to do the jig, my wants to just listen to the music right now.

She'll hopefully get on the dancefloor soon. I have to learn that it's ok to dance by myself.

Thinking of making a standing offer to go out for a coffee with her soon. No date, no planning, just a standing offer. A few minutes away from the kids, so she can talk about her day with me. If I was in her shoes, that might be a good first step.

I'm going to wait until I see some of the pain fade. Maybe I'll let her know on Friday or this weekend.

[trumpet]

SOOOO wishing the 'edit' button was back in effect.

My WIFE wants to just listen to music.

Most of you probably made the mental fix. Thanks!

[trumpet]

Boundary: NC
Boundary: Access to her email/phone

THEN we can start to reconcile. Going to take time. Going to give her time.

She gave me access to her phone yesterday if I want it. I told her I didn't need to see it. Didn't look.
Yesterday I found she had moved pictures of OM to her email account from work.
I called her and called her out on that yesterday - she says it's part of her 'process of letting go'... and hung up on me.

Last night, didn't want to talk with me. Angry again this morning. She did say 'have a nice day' when I told her to have a nice day.

Just double-checked this morning, and she changed her password on her yahoo email... ugh.

I did make the call, and she says she's sick of me 'spying on her'... I explained that was something I needed to have happen, we talked on Sunday about it, and if she put herself into my shoes what would it look like?

"It would look like I'm trying to hide something."
Bingo.

I truly don't want to have to enforce my boundary... but do I just stop snooping? She's trying to break up 'easy', which happens often from all the postings around here.

I told her she sounds upset at me, and that it's ok.


Struggling with my wife who said on Sunday I can have full access, and she's even willing to leave the house now, to where she's changing her passwords to cover her tracks.

We can't start to heal if this stuff is still going on. My telling her that I'm hurt my her actions just makes her get more angry at me.

I told her a rock-solid marriage is built upon trust and honesty. It's also built upon communication that is clear - this is something we both desperately need to work on, but I don't want to put too much on her plate. Just trust and honesty. Start clean... we have baggage, and if I was in a new relationship, the trust would start higher - it just would.

Struggling to explain to my wife why I need NC without sounding demanding. Should I just stop asking for transparancy, and let her do her 'thing', even if the EA starts up again?

Sooo struggling with this today.

[indigo1]

You are 100% right in that you cannot begin to reconcile until OM is out of the picture completely. The fact that she is hiding stuff and changing passwords tells me that unfortunately she is not ready to let go of OM. I've been through this dance before and what you describe about your W is spot on with how my W acted at first. If she was serious about giving the M another try she should be more that happy to give you complete access to everything and not get defensive when you question her. At this point you should not be concerned with sounding demanding in regards to NC on her part IMO.
She will do what she chooses to do, you have no control over that unfortunately.

[trumpet]

Indigo1,

Thank you for posting - it's nice to hear from another person who did the 'dance'.

She's saying a lot of things I hear other spouses say - 'You're not hurting like me! You don't know what this is like for me! Am I going to be spied upon for the rest of my life? I've said I'm sorry already - why do we have to keep doing this? I feel like I'm constantly under your prying eyes!'... and on, and on.

She's free to do whatever she wants - I can't stop her.

If she wants the marriage to begin again, no contact, and transparency was on the top my of list of things that had to happen, as well as counseling for her, and marriage counseling for us.

She has the appointment on Friday. From everthing that has happened in the last week, I don't have high expectations. I just hope she doesn't blow up at the therapist and leave. She did set it up.

A friend of mine said to just let it lie, and give her space, which means don't spy at all. If she wants to make the M work, she'll give access. She's a smart cookie, and she knows how to delete and move things around. I'm not trying to 'catch' her, but with no trust there, we have to build it some way, shape, or form.

I probably need to be ready for her to turn the divorce clock back on. This is tough.

[sandi2]

You are probably in the most critical or fragile stage of all.

She says she 'wants to give it a shot', but the difference is that she is committed as well.

Doesn't it have to be one of the other?

She still insinuates that the problem was between US, and not the OM. So, she still has lots of self-discovery on her part.

I understand the point of view about the problem existing before the OM, however, if she's trying to find a loophole to continue contacting OM as a "friend", stop it in its tracks.

She wants me to make the choices when we go out - hates making choices. In fact, she refuses to go to Subway, because there are too many choices. Won't grocery shop with me, and wants me to do all the big shopping - too many choices, to much to analyze.

The concern related to your M is that your WW may not feel she can make a choice between you and OM......and thus, try to hang on to both of you (keeping OM a secret, of course).

I realize I've been the 'fixer' for years, and through all of this, she has to fix her side of the street.

As long as you continue to be the fixer in the R, she won't feel the need to do it herself. If you tell her this is her mess and she has to clean it up.....then she is more likely to start doing the work.

[ARose]

Trumpet, I am just catching up on your sitch right now.

Spying is not going to help, if she is still in touch with OM your behavior will just make her take it further undercover. Fake emails, a second phone, you really can never know. I think changed behavior sustained over time will be your only way to know.

I think you are at a critical turning point here, I am eager to hear how this works out. I wish I could advise you but I will leave that to the vets who know what they are talking about.

[trumpet]

Fo,

Thanks for catching up. Yes, very critical juncture.

Just don't want to screw it up. Patience is flashing in my brain constantly.

Maybe patience is letting the OM die a slow death? Or maybe she goes back to him? I just hate dipping my toe in the water, and the wife does, and then she pulls it. How many times do we do the dance? Do I stop doing the dance until she's hip deep in water, and then put a toe in the water?

At first, I wanted to jump in, did jump in, and asked her to join me. That didn't work. I dried off, and then she did dip her toe in the water, but when I wasn't looking, pulled it out and put her socks back on.

Patience, little trumpet. Patience.