I'm having such a hard time right now. I can't stop crying. I miss my friend, so much. I miss my lover, my confidant...seeing H all the time, and those cold, cold eyes...it's just tearing me up inside.
I know I'm not the first to go through this, nor will I be the last, but right now? I am so very sad, and struggling with it all. I'm having a health problem right now, which is definitely making everything feel so much worse - but these feelings of sadness are always around.
I don't know how people manage to move on - but they do, all the time. I'm trying to find comfort in that, as well as the knowledge that this will pass - these feelings of extreme sadness.
I hear you - I need to stop watching H and trying to figure it out. It is what it is - my marriage is over, has been over since BD. It's just so hard...
Im sorry for your pain Grief was explained to me by a pastor of waves of sadness it comes and washes over you then in time in comes less and less Embrace it-feel the sadness cry and let it pass.. please make sure you eat and rest and sleep and take care of yourself it will pass and through the pain you will accept and finally let go it may take like 18 months to grief a loss this big..but with every passing month and day it will get lighter(((((HUGS))))
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I am so sorry. I know it hurts. I cannot say it any better than Peace has. Just want you to know we understand.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi Ancaire, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It's hard, and it will also pass. Please look after yourself and above all, leave your H to it whilst you grieve. I can't recall, are you seeing an IC just now?? Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi gorgeous :-). I'm so sorry that you feel this way, no one should deserve such pain. I fully understand as you see H everyday and it is a constant reminder of what happened. Don't fight your feelings, just ride them and it will become easier daily.
You are the most important person in Ancaire's world. You matter and your health matters too. You have so many new things to come you way. I'll be there to support you, carry you through whatever needs to be done.
Think about something that makes you smile today and keep it in your mind for today, then find another one for tomorrow and carry on.
Take good care of yourself my dear friend. Hugs from Europe :-)
Hi Ancaire I think moving on is different for everyone. The one constant: we all know how you feel, been there, done that, wearing the tshirt, so you aren't alone with the feelings.
Having kids makes it somewhat easier in one way because one has no choice but to put the kids first.
It's best to minimize your contact as much as possible so you can get back on your feet.
Try to take care of yourself as best you can. I know how hard that is, believe me. I think I went days without eating post-BD. I just couldn't process food, or anything else for that matter. Total flight or fight response, cortisol overload.
All you have to do today is breathe. Sending {{{{hugs}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hello, everyone! It's been a while since I've posted. I completed what I've been calling "hell week" last week. The divorce agreement has been hammered out. After many temper tantrums on the part of STBXH, I managed to wind up with everything I need to be able to move forward and survive on my own.
There is nothing like trying to reason with a MLC spouse - they vary somewhere between reasoning like a toddler, a teenager, and every once in a while...a rational adult - but the adult doesn't want to appear very often. It was so very hard doing it this way, negotiating on our own, but it saved so much money. When it comes down to cold, hard cash - that's when I observe old H peeking out from behind this new, "it's all about me!" version. Old H can see the need for certain things, while the MLC monster doesn't want to give up a penny.
I can't pretend to really understand it - but I'm trying. I'm reading all I can about the topic of MLC - and while it doesn't fix anything at all, it goes a long way towards helping me come to terms with this abrupt change in personality, morals, and ethics of this person I thought I knew better than anyone else in the world.
The hardest part for me has been coming to terms with the utter hopelessness of the situation. Until this thing has run its' course, the old H is buried...gone for all intents and purposes. This boggles the mind! How can such a thing happen? I don't have any guarantees for the future. Will he come back? Will he ever want to come back? That's not for me to know.
Coming to terms with that has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The life I had is over. This new life I'll have does not include H at all. That hurts, you know? All the love, all the caring, everything I feel for the man has to be packaged and put away. I have no idea what life is going to be like in the future. I'm putting all my focus at first on survival, but then it will be healing, and getting a life of my own.
I'm still struggling with it somewhat - having a toddler tantrum of my own, in my mind. "I don't want to!" What I want regarding H cannot matter. He's fired me. This whole thing has moved so quickly my mind is still spinning! I feel like I'm coming to terms with it, reluctantly. I do know that I'd rather be on my own, if the alternative is being with this new version who shrinks away from me if I get too close, who regularly attacks me with words, and who demeans me every chance he gets.
I'm so tired of hearing that I'm the reason his life didn't work out the way he hoped. That being married to me is the reason he didn't achieve all his goals - that I ruined his life. That is typical MLC talk - but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I hope one day he's able to see all the good I brought into his life...and I brought a lot. Right now? He sees none of it, only the bad. He's got a scorecard I never even thought about keeping.
So, my new life is opening up...I just have to put on my big-girl boots and meet it boldly. I'm doing the best I can.
Put those boots on and continue walking forward. You are now on the path to a new chapter in your life. Guess what! You get to write exactly how you would like that chapter to read. Don't be afraid to step outside your comfort zone...people will be there to help you along the way...all you have to do is ask.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
