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Mozza Offline OP
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Routine update...

I went to a wedding this weekend, the second marriage of a friend. I had attended the first too. I didn't think much about my own failed marriage. I wasn't sad, nor cynical. It was beautiful and I was honored to make a short speech.

Last week, I had to sign some D papers again because our lawyer had made a minor error. When I arrived, it turned out that STBX had gone earlier in the day to sign. I was a tad upset she didn't tell me, but then again I focused on the positive result, which was not seeing her.

I had a bit of a tense text exchange with STBX on Friday. I thought I was right but after reflection, I just texted "sorry" and she said "no problem and thanks for letting me know". I only wanted to move on and it worked.

She wrote me about her small health problem again. I'm not sure why she updates me on this. Perhaps because when it first came up, she feared it would be a bigger issue and now she feels she has to keep me up to date. I can't say it bothers me. I replied politely.

I saw D8 with OM at the pool but they didn't see me and I avoided them. I feel guilty avoiding my daughter to avoid him. Another sign I'm not over it.

I'm back on the dating scene. I have flashbacks of last year, before I met ex-New Girl. It's fun and I feel that I'm getting better at it, but it doesn't mean it's not work. It's like the gym: it's always efforts, even if you practice.

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Vapo | Thanks for the clarification. It sounds like you know what's good for you and that dating is not really in the picture until you find the right one. I quite agree about avoiding crappy relationships...

stacey9 | Thanks! I usually prefer to avoid talking about STBX. This weekend, I ended up talking more than usual about her because I met friends who supported me at BD and that I hadn't seen since. I was keen to share my experience with them, but then I felt the presence of BD and STBX for days afterwards. Also, I think people sense our pain and resentment more than we realize when we talk about it, even "neutrally".

raliced | I'm sorry your thoughtful post disappeared! You're right that it should be obvious that I can't be over it all in less than two years. I've been looking for a way to describe this intermediate stage, after the paralyzing pain but before it's all digested. I'm no longer controlled by the S, but I've to admit it's still on my mind. A friend told me he took 3 years to get over a 5-year relationship and yet he was the one who left.

mahhhty | I'm glad my experience can be an inspiration! That's one major reason to share life post-D and I learn a lot reading others too. And I'm not a water kind of guy so I'll have to look for other activities!


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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1) When will she stop being STBX? I think you need to rename her. You've got a relationship after her under your belt and she's still only "soon-to-be" ex? She IS ex in all but the law. Move her someplace else in your mental space.

2) Why were you disappointed she didn't tell you she was signing early? I feel like you're still looking for some acknowledgement from her. You will not get it. People rarely feel shame or even much guilt unless something compels them to. Nothing is compelling her to consider her actions wrong. See 1) above.

3) AVOIDED YOUR CHILD??? Mozz, is that who you want to be? I'm so disappointed in you. What if she saw you trying to avoid her but you didn't realize it? Do you want to deal those hurts? Pull on your big girl panties, man!!! You can look straight through OM like he's not even there and greet your daughter like the precious gem she is. He's nothing. I know this can be done because I've done it and it made me stronger. I hope you never pull cr@p like that again. Genghis Khan himself shouldn't come between you and your children.

You're not ready to date till you're not even tempted to act like that. You don't have to like the guy but for sure don't give him (or the ex) that kind of power in your life. Move on first. Then date.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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Mozza Offline OP
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1) You're right Maybell! I've been saying here that the paperwork doesn't matter, we are D, yet I still wait for the paperwork to update her status. She'll be XW from now on. I've updated my signature too: she's gone and so is OM.

2) I'm afraid you're right that I will not get an acknowledgement from her and it's something I'm yet to fully accept, but I'm heading there. XW can't apologize for the slightest thing so I can't wait for an apology for the D and how it happened.

3) Fine, you're right. I shouldn't let my feelings towards OM override those I have for my kids. Thanks, I needed this.

As for dating, I'm afraid that train has left the station. I don't see dating as I used to and probably not like most people here. I now see it as finding people who want the same thing as you, and that goes from one-night-stands to lifelong commitments. For many things along this spectrum, there's no need to be entirely emotionally available for it to be fully satisfying to all involved.


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"there is no need to be entirely emotionally available for it to be satisfying to all involved"

Yeah....... I don't know about that. Unless you are looking for nothing more than a hook up partner, and so is she, clearly stated and shown by her actions.

it's rarely the case though. I dated those not fully emotionally available and I instead tried to talk myself into thinking I was in the same boat and wanted the same things as them, hoping they would come around. It happens more often than you think. Certainly wasn't mutually satisfying.

When doing this, please remain very open with the person you are dating, that you are not fully emotionally available.

You have dropped the Love bomb without being fully emotionally available. I can tell you from first hand experience how utterly confusing and hurtful this can be. Your last GF I think may have saw through the fact you said it, but was still not completely there. I believe you can mean you do love someone, but if you can't give it to it's full capacity, it shouldn't be said. IMHO.

I say enjoy yourself, but just watch out for those on the other end:)

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Mozza Offline OP
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Thanks for your input Ginger1. I'm truly sorry that your experiences on the dating scene were difficult, from what I read. I understand that it's painful, especially after a D.

The last year has taught me that there are many variations between one-night-stands and lifelong commitments. At breakup, ex-NG herself told me that she's not looking for a lifelong partner, that spending 10 years with someone would be a great ride. I just read the dating profile of a woman who's leaving the country this fall and would like someone to spend the summer with. Others are very clear about looking only for sex, or only for lifelong commitments, or stuff in between.

To me, what is great about this new dating life is being honest. It's amazing how it eases relationships and helps get what you want. I know for a fact that ex-NG was not hurt by my love bomb: she was put off. We talked about it.

The flip side is that everyone has to keep their expectations in check. Relationships evolve slowly, as I was reminded with ex-NG. Also, believe people when they say what they want.


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It was my antiversary yesterday. How could I forget: everybody was saying "Never forget 9/11" wink

How do I feel after two years? Very good, but scarred. And that bothers me. My life goes on and well, but I still feel defined by my separation, as if I was the victim of a great injustice and no longer the person I'm supposed to be. In my head, I still do stuff "despite the D", "because of the D", or even "thanks to the D", etc. For instance, before the D I would think "Isn't it amazing to take the kids to the museum!" and now, deep down, I know that I think "Isn't it amazing that I take the kids to a museum despite being a single parent! My XW doesn't do such marvelous things for the kids!"

I want to get over that. I don't have to be defined by my D. I'm so much more than that, and XW doesn't even deserve so much importance. So that's my next goalpost: to regain control over my motivations in life. To forget about my separation as an explaining or motivating factor for my actions.

Here's where I was a year ago.

Originally Posted By: Mozza
It was my antiversary yesterday and the first few hours weren't easy. I was quite emotional about dropping off the kids at school for the week. I didn't like the symbol of my failed marriage and my part-time parenting. I've never thought it would be me and sometimes I still have a hard time accepting that it is my life. I went back at lunch time to drop some stuff for D7 and held them both in my arms. D3 asked why I had tears in my eyes and I eluded the question. The afternoon and evening were better, but my productive streak is over.

I didn't cry about the D on my antiversary, but I did cry when I dropped off the kids at school on Friday. I'm still sad to see them go every second week, but I've accepted that I'm separated. Maybe last year was the same: I really cried for the kids.

There was this too:

Originally Posted By: Mozza
I've been thinking a lot about writing a letter to WW, without even sending it, but strangely, I lose interest as soon as I sit in front of my computer. It spins in my head, sometimes obsessively, yet it bores me when it's time to actually do it. Oh well.

I more rarely think about it and it bores me even more, but it's not gone. But I can't say that I don't think about having an explanation with XW sometimes. Our S was frustrating in that sense because we barely communicated about the real reasons. While I imagine it could be cathartic to have The Talk one day, I'd expect it to be mostly frustrating and disappointing: I can't see it being the big resolution that I want.

I still haven't received the D papers. It's been at the court for a few months now. I rarely think about it and plan to file them like I file any government papers.


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Mozza Offline OP
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I have greatly reduced my presence here in the last year and I will reduce it even more.

The reason I come here anymore is to follow the story of my "DB friends" - I often lurk without commenting. Two years ago, the advice and guidance was almost life-saving and I've been shaped by it. Today, I don't want to R anymore. The best parts of DB - focusing on myself and my kids, our happiness and future, keeping things even with XW - are integrated in my way of thinking and being.

As I wrote above, I don't want to be defined by my D much longer either. The time I spend here brings back my own D story and makes me think about it more than necessary for my present goals.

I have much less to contribute too. On dating, my S has changed my views and it doesn't fit well with the philosophy of this community. On fighting to R, as much as I believe it possible and worthy for many (and DB still seems the best method I can think of), I don't think about it enough anymore to be able to provide insights to others. After finding ourselves in the same hell at BD, our lives now go on their separate paths.

So this is a sort of goodbye. I'll close my DB tabs (open for almost two years!) though I will surely come back every now and then for a look. If you write "mozza", I just might find your post.

I don't want to name names for fear of forgetting important people, but if you read this, if you've posted in my threads, if I posted of you: I think of you and I wish we could have met in person. Some I wish were friends in my real life. I admire your values and commitment, your willingness to learn and change. It's an inspiration. I'm a better person because of what you taught me.


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You da man Mozza. I may not have always followed your lead but have always considered you a leader. It's been a true pleasure being BD'd together. Let's do it again some day... wink


Me:38 XW:38
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I would not agree that you do not have much to offer, you have been through the battles and you have been tested by fire and you have the battle scars to prove it.

Stay strong buddy...

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Mozza!! Don't leave!! Don't leave us!!!

Kidding aside, I do hope you'll stop back in from time to time and let us know how you're doing.

For my part, I don't feel like it's a bad thing to be defined by my divorce. I'm even sometimes grateful for it. Because Mr. Fantastic left in such a cowardly manner, I had to find strength. I was so enormously fortunate to have found supportive people who are helping me grow, including my new work colleagues -- who I would never have met without this catastrophe in my life -- and My Guy, who has taught me things about relationship that are enormously positive across the board, not just in romance.

Without this divorce, I might never have met the people who are helping me find peace in my parenting. I might never have had the chance to become the person I really, really want to be. I might never have realized how much happier I could be than what I was.

I hope someday you see your divorce as a positive force in your life. I hope that the idea of being "defined by your divorce" becomes something positive and that you come back here to let us know that you found peace and happiness, and to provide hope and support for the people who find themselves here and don't believe that kind of happiness is possible after a failed marriage.

I have enjoyed calling you a virtual friend and I hope that doesn't end for good. Until we hear from you again -- Be well, be adventurous, and be happy.

(((Mozza)))


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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