I'm hopeful but part of me is wary and scared of getting hurt again
Brad
After reading your sitch I can fully understand why you would feel that way. I can't imagine going months without contact with my W. I haven't seen my W in two months but I have had some contact. I will be following your sitch closely.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Well she came over last night and asked to stay the night She told me she noted changes in me but she thinks it's a trick I listened to her acknowledged my part and the hurt I caused It's all kind of surreal I don't know what this is one minute it's I'm committed to working on us to I'm confused and I don't know And I'm here thinking I'm committed I'm not going to beg or plead I know my worth I'm a good bloke people love and like me for me
I'm not the best writer there are a lot of thoughts in my head I keep thinking I'll be ok either way with my wife or without Hopefully it all makes sense
Cheers Brad
Me: 45 w:45
M:6yrs T:9 Separated aug 15 no contact dec 15 come back july 16 I filed for closure aug 16
after a bit over a month of seeing each other she called it quits again, she stayed on a Friday night was acting strange on the Saturday morning saying she loved me but didn't know if it was enough, then on sunday she was back on dating sites. its taken a week to stop getting upset, she said all the right things about loving me, needing to get help to make things better and changes together.
she told me she didn't know about us and is confused. she also told me that online dating makes here feel good about herself. that she loves me but isn't sure she is in love with me, she wants butterflies and excitement. I have done a lot of reading, journaling and coaching face to face and I realise we may love each other but we are on different pages. I think ive learnt and identified things I need to work on and she has commented on changes shes seen in my behaviour and communication
I don't want a divorce I filed yesterday as I feel I need to close that chapter, she is quite clearly angry at me about getting married and blames me that I didn't just remain as a couple ( boyfriend/girlfriend ).
I have learnt long term relationships are built on love ,commitment ,forgiveness and working on things together.that a partner doesn't make you happy that comes from within. that blaming others is a way to deflect from looking internally and discovering your own flaws and faults
I told her the door is closed for now so I can keep coaching and working on me. that I do love her and feel that there is a connection and chemistry and if she decides we can work to look me up. I wont be waiting I will be doing stuff and getting out and about. Ive joined my local lions club and been getting involved with that.
Ive read here before that divorce may not be the end and that could be true. I think that chapter needs to be closed before a new one can begin. if she did decide we had something then it would be a new beginning with out the pressure of marriage.
I know I haven't had many replies to my thread I have been reading many other stories. there are a lot of people who are learning growing and finding out what it is the want and need
some of the biggest lessons I take away is not to beg or plead someone to stay, it wont work and will push them away. go out work on yourself and learn.the other is lesson I take away is not to argue,just listen try not to fix everything sometimes its not even about you.
cheers brad
Me: 45 w:45
M:6yrs T:9 Separated aug 15 no contact dec 15 come back july 16 I filed for closure aug 16
Hello everyone Well I have filled for divorce I'm just waiting for courts to process And bam my wife ? Has visited me on the weekend asking to date and attempt to reconnect I stopped working on saving my marriage to focusing on me i did date another woman for 6 months and that was different and I take away great memories of it
I will write more time to head of to work hopefully some veterans have some ideas or advise I'm honestly lost I stopped wanting her back then be honest and now it's back in the table I'm concerned when the going gets tough and it will there some issues to work thru she will run again and I don't want to lose all my growth and hard work
Cheers
Me: 45 w:45
M:6yrs T:9 Separated aug 15 no contact dec 15 come back july 16 I filed for closure aug 16
Maybe the vets would like to know if you plan to post regularly, or just show up a few times and leave again. IDK, it's just a thought.
Quote:
I stopped working on saving my marriage to focusing on me i did date another woman for 6 months and that was different and I take away great memories of it
IMHO, when a desperate LBS stops what they see as "working on saving the M", they actually let go and drop the emotional rope they have tied around their H/W. They stop the pursuit and focus on themselves.......and GAL seriously. And, lo & behold, they stumble into what works in getting the attention and desire from the one who was ready to call it quits. If your W had any feelings whatsoever, I'm sure seeing you date the same woman for six months had some influence in her believing she was losing you.
Two things: First, make sure she is not tempt checking to see if she can still pull you away from the new lady you are dating. If that's her game, she will lose interest as soon as she feels confident you are emotionally connected to her again. If she is sincere, then she will cooperate.......and to be willing to do the necessary work. Her attitude will tell you the truth.
Second, You need to go very, very slowly. Do not jump into bed with her. If you choose to piece the M back together, you will need professional guidance to help you both learn how to deal successfully with whatever past, current, and future issues you may face.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes it's a valid point you make I did post on other threads more so then my own I stopped posting after my coach guided me away from the marriage and all the history to focussing on myself In a strange twist of fate the solicitor told me the divorce was granted on Friday so I don't know if I fit here or what I'm looking at. I'm not as emiotionally tied up as i was at the start of this journey
I do take away something cadet posted about being a nice guy and its implications , I've worked a lot on dealing with my expectations and reflection, and dealing with conflict
I know Michelle's book is about divorce busting but it applies to other relationships I've noticed my daughters talk to me more and are asking to spend more time with me that's a positive change in my life
I'm not dating anyone at the moment I did date someone for nearly 6months before she decided she wasn't ready to take things further and needed time to recover from her own marriage breakdown I respected that decision, she was a positive influence on me it's was an ego boost it was great to just be myself and enjoy someone's company
Me: 45 w:45
M:6yrs T:9 Separated aug 15 no contact dec 15 come back july 16 I filed for closure aug 16
I'm glad to hear you are doing better emotionally. It always tend to help the self esteem to have an ego boost. Everyone needs it from time to time.
Feel free to stay as long as you need support. And, I'm sure you know there is a section of divorced LBS's who support each other. I think it is fairly active, but please stay where you feel comfortable.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
