Last May, my husband of 17 years wrote me a letter saying he realized I was having an affair, we had grown apart, and that the relationship was over. I freaked out: first, an affair was the farthest from my mind. Second, we were undergoing a really stressful time with the kids, and we knew that it was going to be a rough school year last year. He said, "never mind. I misinterpreted things. Forget I said anything."
I spent the summer replaying every significant moment of our relationship, processing how we could have gotten to such different places. I did this on a road trip with my children, but wrote my husband many emails about why I thought we had grown apart, looking to reestablish an emotional connection that had waned due to stress about the kids.
At the end of August, he went on a business trip. On his way out of town, he wrote me an email that said, "this isn't working. I thought things would get better, but they haven't. I'm not in love anymore. You are great. It isn't you. It's me."
I found out later that he was having an affair while I was gone...and still is, albeit long-distance. He also has been working out, staying out late, changing his appearance, getting back into activities he had enjoyed prior to knowing me. He says, "You have been a great wife. Our 21-year relationship (17 years of marriage) is nothing I regret. One just gets to the end of an era and it is time to move on. I want us to be close, and of course, plan things for the kids. I want us to do holidays together. You are wonderful..." etc., etc. He did not tell me about the affair, but others did--and I know for a fact it is real. I confronted him..he says it is a symptom of the loss of his love, but that happened before--really about two years ago, when I said something that offended him that he took personally and decided that the relationship was over, emotionally (no idea what, because he won't tell me, as it is "ancient history" and will "make it sound like he is blaming me, which he isn't").
Now, he is buying a new house, separate from us. The children don't know about this yet--he wants to wait until after Christmas. He wants "freedom" and "knows he is being selfish" but is tired of all the responsibilities of being married/taking care of the family. (His new house, which he/we can barely afford, but could with some serious belt-tightening, closes 12/30.)
On the other hand, he is super friendly. We don't argue. He is jovial around me and the kids. He wants to move into a new house and come over regularly to help out around the house (assuage his guilt?) and take care of things. He "loves being a family" but isn't "feeling the whole man-wife, in-love thing" anymore...and a person "has to follow their emotions." The children have NO idea anything is wrong, except that mommy has been a bit emotionally erratic lately--mostly when he is not around (which has been a lot more frequent than normal).
I've read the Divorce Busting book several times. I don't know what to do except Get a Life (which I have, and he's noticed: "Your growth is amazing! You are handling this so well! You are a Woman with a capital W!"
In the meantime, I don't have any idea what 180s to try. I don't know how to "see what works" because his behavior is confusingly friendly/jovial/supportive. He wants to watch Christmas movies together as a family. He wants to go see the new Star Wars movie tomorrow night together. (I haven't accepted every invitation.) He wants to sleep in the same room/bed until he leaves, and is open to physical intimacy (if I want). I've started to work out. I go out with friends. When at home, I hang out in a different part of the house than we always did before, often with the kids, but not always, and draw (new!), paint (new!), write (new!) or read. Periodically, he invites me over to the TV room, offers to make me a drink and for us to watch something we both enjoy together. He says he LOVES doing that...
Should I pretend everything is ok? Please give me ideas of what to do to "do something different." Do the "after the last resort" technique? I don't know! Ideas?
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Hi Live 15, welcome to the forum and I'm sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here. Your H certainly sounds very MLCish from what you post, and it also sounds as though you have been doing well in difficult circumstances.
Clearly he has noticed some of your efforts and the progress you have made. You ask if there may be other 180s you can do. Given all that I read about MLC and MLC affairs, I think it unlikely there will be any short-term fixes here. Actually, short-term fixes aren't great as they are more likely to unravel later.
I think the best thing you can do is truly accept within yourself that he is gone for now, and may be gone for some time. If you can let go and live your life for you for now, that is the best way I think. Tell him that this isn't your choice, but you respect that he wants out and won't stand in his way.
From your sitch, it sounds as though you have been pretty helpful towards him. Alongside being pleasant, I think it's really important to set boundaries. Finances sound like an issue for now, and do take any steps needed to protect you and the children. MLCers aren't renowned for being careful with money. My H does seem to have been thus far, but many get into difficulties.
The second boundary area I think is the whole - I can be part of this family, keep you as a friend and have a lover too. I can have it all! I know you are frightened of losing him completely, but people on this forum always say - they are gone already for now. So, do set boundaries which protect you and allow you to detach from a horrible situation and move forward yourself.
I'm sure others will come along and welcome you. It can feel a little slow to start with and you'll be on moderation at first which delays your posts coming through, but stick with it and you'll find lots of support here.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
If you haven't already done so, please protect your assets, i.e., finances, credit cards, savings, etc. Do a credit report to see if he's gotten some new credit cards that you aren't aware of. Check on your mortgage to ensure he's not taken out any loans against the house you are living in. If you have joint cards, remove his name from them asap or get your own cards, but have your name removed from the joint ones. Why the concern? Because they do tend to go off on spending sprees to make themselves feel better. If he's purchasing a house, I'm sure he's going to want to purchase new furniture, etc., and you don't want those items to be coming from the funds you and your children need to survive.
Also, I would seek the advice of an attorney, not saying you'll need one...but it's always good to know what your legal rights are.
You have to find a way to accept that you can't convince him to return home or the marriage at this time. Remember...you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Generally, we they have dropped the bomb on us, they've been gone from the marriage emotionally for quite some time. They are about 18-24 months ahead of us in the detachment area because that's when something triggered the crisis.
You'll need to set some boundaries w/him because if you don't, he'll cake eat and that means the best of both worlds. Set up a visitation schedule for the children and adhere to it. Contact him if it's an emergency or child related...nothing more. If he calls, texts and/or emails, take your time in responding back. In other words, don't jump the phone the minute he calls. Give yourself a couple of hours or even a day to respond. Don't take the bait if he attempts to push your buttons. Change the subject or cut the conversations short if they become heated and then walk away.
Continue to post.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You have gotten some great advice and you seem like you have started to make some changes I agree with the pervious posters..you can still be friendly and cordial but you do not have to hang out and pretend it all ok he can begin to feel the loss that way,,but as said MLC is a long ordeal and it may takes 2-7 years or more for them to snap out
In the mean time,definitely watch the finances it is so true , they spend and spend more They change so drastically and they may have been good providers at one time and good dads..MLC takes over and they usually get worser before better You will figure it out as you go if you can seek therapy..they really helps also
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi Live15, welcome to the board. You have had some of the best vets posting their words of wisdom. I am a relative newby, and I can't add to what they say. I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I feel our husbands have read from the same MLC handbook. Your story is my story. Come to these boards to vent and learn; it's one of the few places where you can ride the roller coaster with others who have been on the same ride. It does get easier. And then it doesn't. And then it does. Sending thoughts of strength.
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
Hi Live, I am sorry that you find yourself here, but welcome.
You have been given some great starter advice from others. Right now your h is giving you the "nice guy" act, don't be drawn in by it, at the end of the day he will do what is best for him and no one else, its hard to imagine right now I know.
If you are sleeping and being intimate with your h to keep him, it wont work. They have the ability to detach and separate, he will not be feeling anything other than comfortable in familiar surrounding. I don't mean to sound negative, I just don't want you to fall into a false sense of security and belief that he will change his mind about leaving you anytime soon.
Please make sure you are financially safe as its likely he will start to spend, debts are common with a MLC'er. They feel they deserve x y z and justify the spend to themselves.
My advice is to read as much as you can about MLC as knowledge will help you through this, it will also give you an insight as to what your h may do and say, which takes the unexpected out of this already challenging situation that you are in. Read others threads and post on them to draw people to your thread, everyone is here to help, listen and support, its a great community to be a part of.
Live, I found this thread by a letter written by an MLC'er deep in the suggestions Cadet gave you (above) Since our sitch are so similar, I thought it might help you too.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! Don't let your husband eat cake at your expense.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Live15, I got a very similar speech after 17 year of marriage too. We had grown apart… He was not in love with me anymore… I was the best thing that happened to him, but it was a phase of his life, just like there was a phase before me… And now it is going to be the phase after me… He also told me that he doesn’t want to lose me completely and we could stay friends, and he would be coming to the house to take care of things, blah, blah, blah…
I’ve got a very good advice here. Read as much as you can about MLC. It is not going to be quick and easy turnaround. It could last for some time. I’m 3 ˝ years post DB, and I’m still here. I agree with everyone here on setting the boundaries. And take care of yourself.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
