Hello all, I am not sure how to start this, but here goes. I'm 34, she is 33. 3 weeks ago, she hit me with the devastating news that she had strayed from our marriage. She didn't go through with it and stopped in the middle of the act, but got far enough into it that the guy had hidden video evidence, that if I had found out it would have been hard for her to tell me otherwise. He threatened her, and she was forced to tell me before Thanksgiving instead of after the Christmas/New years holidays and my birthday which was last week. The last 3 weeks have been devastating. She went on a business trip for a little over 2 weeks and just came back. She isn't talking to anyone, not I, not her family, not her friends.
Prior to the business trip, we spent the first night together in our bed, then the next few nights she was at her parent's house, then she left for the trip. Last night she returned from the trip. I bought the Divorce Remedy book yesterday, and immediately put into action the last resort plan as it fits our scenario. I love you, but I am not in love with you was said before she left for the trip. I picked her up at the airport, had light conversation, stayed upbeat, ate dinner with her and her father, and when it was time to watch the football game, I said goodbye, we hugged and I went home.
I also tried the tactic of doing things I wouldn't normally do, like buying her grandfather a birthday gift yesterday from both of us while she was away, and she smiled and said thank you and was very grateful.
After the first week of separation, I stopped telling her how miserable I was, how I wasn't eating, sleeping, throwing up, I decided that was not a good thing to do, as she grew more distant. Aside from a good morning text here or there, I left her alone. We have been together for 15 years, married for 7, no children (our largest stress was infertility). Everyone that knows us is heartbroken as we were viewed as the couple who would grow old together, but they all say no couple in our circles has seen as many external forces working against us, including multiple deaths, financial catastrophes, house troubles, and more.
We are great friends, but forgot how to be great together. During infertility we lost the enjoyment of sex, and after that we turned into a sexless marriage, and I was being rejected at every turn. In the last year, she grew more distant and rejected me even with things like sitting together, holding hands, dancing, and canoodling on the couch.
Her bomb that she dropped on me went from I don't love you, I cheated on you, I want a divorce, you can't trust me, or love me to let's take some time, but I don't want to give you false hope, and I still love you, but I am not in love with you. Spiritually I believe that if she had made it through the holidays and followed through on her plan in January there would be no hope, but when this all blew up early it gives me hope that a call to action is possible.
Thank you for listening.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I have already started GAL. I lost 30 lbs this year, put some back on, and from the eating issues over the last few weeks, I did lose quite a bit of weight, but rather than hanging on the negative, I decided to continue it and my eating is back to healthy eating. I joined the fitness center at work, scheduled a physical, and found a new chiropractor to work out some neck and back pain. I am on the lower border of prediabetic, so I am making my health a priority - fitness and eating. I am very very overweight. After losing 30 lbs, I am still about 314, but I never looked that big. I didnt realize I was emotionally eating over the last few years to fill the hole in my marriage. Time to get the A1C, weight, and BMI down and feel good about myself again. I have written down a bunch of personal goals for the next 6 months.
The wife struggles with her weight, but I never found her less attractive or sexy. She became very insecure, and fell prey to the guy's compliments and attention. She always told me I needed to change, and if I didnt we would have trouble. She harped on everything I did wrong, and I returned the same. I felt like less of a man, and the hole just got deeper and deeper. I love this woman more than anything in the world. I have a problem connecting with people on a deep level, and we used to talk deeply about each other, our lives, and our relationship, but when I started walking on eggshells things got worse.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Just to add some more context... I have become extremely close to my wife's family. Her parents are like my own parents, her sisters and their husbands like my own siblings. Her aunts and uncles like my own.
Much of my pain and issues throughout the years is related to the fact that most of my family is either dead, died since the wife and I met, lives far enough away that I do not get to see them, or were involved in a major family rift that causes us not to talk any longer. The major one in the rift is my brother who was poison in my life, that I am not looking to bring back in. Anyhow, for the holidays, her family wants me there, she even said I can and should be there. Question is, how much is too much? I spent Thanksgiving with them and cut out early, because I emotionally couldn't take it. 3 weeks later I feel much better, and Christmas is still 2 weeks away, and I will be that much better still. I have been spending time with her family members individually, and not advertising it to her. Before she left she made sure I knew that her parents, and her sisters and their husbands wanted to take me out to dinner on my birthday last week, and we did and had a good time. The wife was away, so she really wouldn't know if we went out or not, because she is not talking to anyone.
The question is, do I detach to the point where I spend the holidays completely alone?
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you for that. I have DR, is there an advantage to getting DB too? I only browse websites like this on my work computer, otherwise I don't even have a normal laptop for myself. I use my cell phone for everything. I will make sure to keep that clear of history.
She did ask me to come over tonight to give her grandfather the birthday gift together, that I picked up while she was away. She was very happy that I, who she sees as a non helper and never involved in shopping for events, thought of something she did not.I do not plan on staying though. Just a quick hello to him, happy birthday, give the gift, small talk for a few minutes (he has dementia), then off I go.
A friend pointed out to me today that most everything she asked me to change, I had either changed, put in a massive effort to change, or changed most of the way. I am no longer a slob oaf that sits around and doesn't help, I would run her errands after work, cook and clean while she finished up school, etc. It was clearly not the problem.
Thought of another question. When detaching and getting a life and presenting yourself at your best to the WAS, how does having talks about her infidelity, about our relationship and digging to the root of our problems play out, if in those moments I am emotional? We have only spoken twice since the bomb and that was 3 weeks ago, and it was super emotionally charged where I do not think we said much of anything constructive. Our two talks since were light, unrelated and upbeat. How do you do the work, and be at your best when vulnerable? Am I thinking too far down the line because this is all so new, and not worry about looking so well now, but do the best I can?
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
The fitness program is in full swing. I also spoke with my brother in law about starting a martial arts/kickboxing program after the new year. While I am itching to get started it will give me a little time to get used to moving again. He wants to start up in mid January to mid February. I am really excited about this and having someone to do it with. I have been thinking about it for years, and I hate doing things alone like that. Out of the blue when I needed it most, someone who I never thought would be interested brought it up to me. I will be able to return to something I loved a long time ago.
The wife has been calling me a lot since she got home by comparison to when she was away. I have not been calling or contacting her, unless absolutely necessary.
We are communicating now on these little things much better than ever before. We still haven't had any talks about us since Thanksgiving and her trip, but I am hoping she will come around.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
A friend visited me last night before his flight home. He said, wow this place is really clean. I thought you were a slob? (the W left no mysteries about my habits).
I then realized that I haven't been a slob for many years, although I am no OCD neat freak, I just don't make messes any more and I keep up on things. She was insulting the old me, the me that wasn't around any longer, and turning her frustrations on me from other issues. That wasn't fair. She used to be OCD, and turned into the slob, and was disgusted with herself. We changed roles.
Even our bed was a disaster every morning. The sheets and blankets thrown about. When I was suffering from sleep apnea for the first 11 years of our relationship, I was the thrasher that made a mess of the bed. Since I started using CPAP, I never realized until she was gone, how neat the bed stays.
So this friend delivered wisdom, when he didn't even mean to. I felt so angry for so long about doing most of the chores, and still being called a slob and I just took the abuse. Those days are over.
In other news I reconnected with an old friend of my mother's I haven't talked to much in years. Amazing lady. Because my family is either all dead or broken, I haven't heard new stories about my mother in years, and heard some that I forgot. It was nice.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
When you say no relationship talks, this is confusing. Do you just mean no talk of the future, no talk of the good days, etc.. or do you mean no talking at all about what led us to this point?
We haven't talked much about the infidelity, or the separation, or really anything since her trip and very little before.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
