I feel the loneliness also. I think most of us here feel this way. Your situation runs hot and cold. Some days I think your relationship is evolving and days like this I'm fearful. No matter what happens in the future please know that you have many real friends here. I am your friend. The loneliness is so debilitating at times. I come here more then I should but I don't care. I need something that I cannot get from my wife right now, kindness and compassion. If you visit your family up here, if you want, let me know I'll buy you a hot chocolate. Having coffee, here, is a double entendre so I'll stick to hot chocolate.
Anyway I and all your friends here would like for you to share whats troubling you enough to give you chest pains. Please share your troubles. Until then be strong
Mutatio, that would be nice, very nice. I won't be up north for a long time though, maybe by 6 months from now we will both be happily married or Divorced. I certainly hope we are not both still in limbo. So much can change. And I don't want to get you in trouble on this forum! As far as my chest pains. I think its all anxiety.
His impending departure is weighing heavily on me. The fact that he is broken and I really and truly did not break him and cannot fix him is becoming a reality to me. I have "known " that for awhile, but it takes a long time for me to really accept certain things, to really internalize it and "get" it on an emotional level. I am getting it.
Did I tell you all that pre-BD he told me he hated our daughter? That he had no love for his own mother and wished her dead? And then now me. Who is this man? I should be running the other way, not standing here for him. And yet I am.
Last night I talked to H's best friend at work. The one who gives him advice about our daughter, because he has 2 teenagers, the one who he confided in about his EA. Every year at the holiday party we talk about our kids. He asked me how D was and I said so much better since getting out of the hospital. He had no idea what I was talking about. H confided in him about his EA but failed to mention that his daughter was hospitalized for 3 months? The same thing came up last week at Thanksgiving, 2 of H's friends knew all about the EA but nothing about our daughter. The EA apparently was more important in his life than his own daughter's health. It makes me feel sickened, especially since he told his friends how important the EA was to him because he wasn't getting "friendship" from me at home- yet didn't reveal to them that I was spending 100% of my time taking care of our daughter? Its not like I was home watching tv all day and ignoring him. While I was at dr appointments for our child he was out dating! Literally, at the same exact time. (That's how I caught him).
I am so torn. A part of me wants to just file for D and get on with it. I doubt myself lately. Is it the loneliness talking? Or is that I am finally facing reality? Time will tell, I need to keep my emotions in check.
In my mind I have this "1 year timeline" which I don't know where it came from, but I feel like at 1 year post BD I should know where I stand and its coming up and not looking very promising. I am tired. I think that is what it all comes down to, I am very, very tired.
Try to hang on until he leaves for his assignment. Then you will have made it to the eye of the storm. Take the 6 months to assess your situation, how you feel, how your kids feel and how your husband feels.
There is the temptation to just end the suffering by divorcing. It might seem appealing but you may switch one set of problems for another. The loneliness is one of my greatest challenges. It must be very difficult for you as well. You will have more time to spend with friends when you husband goes. You could be lonely and facing reality. Stay focused on the here and now. Tomorrow wil come and you can deal with it then.
I would not cling to timelines to force a decision. You have to weigh the evidence each day and decide if the pain of staying is greater then the pain of leaving. That is a big question and the answer should not be forced. You are the guardian of your precious children and they are relying on you to make right choice for them. This is a big deal.
Use the 6 months to rest, relax and regroup. Be well
Thank you Mutatio. I do not want to divorce. I just sometimes feel like it is hopeless and if we are going to end up D anyway, might as well start the process instead of prolonging it. But, no that is not what I want.
On the positive side, he has agreed to attend family counseling tomorrow. Unfortunately with him leaving so soon, I can't imagine how much we can accomplish in one or two sessions, but it is a step in the right direction. He also took S9 out this weekend and they seemed to bond really well, and keep talking about their experience and how they will make this a regular thing when H gets back this summer. So he is talking about coming back? That is a good sign.
And here is a strange one. A friend of mine posted a picture of me on FB the other day. A very unflattering picture, and I am not photogenic to start with. I am very pale and I just don't photograph well. I was half asleep, drifting in and out and I saw H on FB, he enlarged the picture so my face filled the entire screen and he was staring at it, then he'd look at me, then back at the picture again. Let me remind you this was one ugly picture. I pretended to be asleep- actually was in and out- but didn't say anything. WTF is that all about? I felt awful. I am going to get a great pic of myself and make that my profile picture. He probably wouldn't even look at that one.
For whatever it is worth, for me, detachment was the best thing that happened to me, but I was blessed with an XH who wanted out quickly and didn't drag his feet. While it really was horrible at the time, I realize looking back now that he did me a huge favor and I'm forever grateful for that.
I liked what you said several posts back about focusing on Christmas. My D was final 2 weeks before Christmas last year, so I REALLY struggled with the holiday season, but trying to do little normal things like buying presents and such REALLY helped make a big difference for me.
And I read a few posts back where you mentioned being an introvert. I, too, am a huge introvert by nature, though I have a job dealing with the public, so I am forced to be an extrovert on my professional time. As you probably well know, that is even more difficult for an introvert. But, use the whole introvert thing to your advantage. It really did help me with detachment and moving forward.
You really are doing well. Just hang in there and keep doing whatever you need to do to take care of you.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thank you Dawn. It's funny, the older I get, the less introverted I become. I love my "alone" time and my quiet time, I really do, but I have more friends now than ever in my life, and I interact with people daily by choice! I am definitely still an introvert though.
Detachment has been so hard for me. There are days that I "get it" and it clicks and I feel so good, but then there are days where I just ache for him. I don't know how to turn it off. I have some little tricks that are helping me, for example when I know its time for him to be coming home, I will put on music, and interact with the kids or get involved with a project around the house, it helps so much to have the positive energy and busyness when he walks in the door so I am not "looking" at him and trying to gauge his mood or look for a greeting, etc. The same at bedtime, I will usually put on music or make a phone call or play with one of the kids- just to stay distracted in a genuine and positive way so that my attention is not on him.
Intellectually I "get it" and I am on board, emotionally, the connection is still so strong. I will get there. Going to be out tonight when he gets home and again tomorrow night. Then he is leaving for a business trip on Thursday so really only one full night with him this week. That helps too.
pho, trust me when I say I know how you feel about the distractions.. I'm all about it! I need it whether at home or at work, the less distracted the more out of it I get .. it [censored]. Stay strong! Enjoy your week!
Make today better than yesterday .. thats what I keep saying
Blissfully detached today. Don't know why. Combination of good music and good times with my children. My sons are giving me such a hard time because I referred to a light saber as a sword. As in "could you please take your sword off the table?" Apparently this is the funniest thing ever and worthy of repeating 50x. And blasting Ed Sheeran's album singing with my boys.
I could do this every night for the rest of my life and die happy. No H required to make this magic happen.
It's funny, the older I get, the less introverted I become. I love my "alone" time and my quiet time, I really do, but I have more friends now than ever in my life, and I interact with people daily by choice! I am definitely still an introvert though.
I think it's the same with most people. As I get older it's a lot easier to not give a #$2% what people think about what I say/do.
Quote:
Detachment has been so hard for me.
I'm certainly not an expert, but I think it's a process with good days and bad days. The hope is that the good days start outnumbering the bad days
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
