No problem. I've found that a lot of us need tough love in these situations. The "I can't decide" sh!t that comes out of cheaters mouths really pisses me off. We are all people of worth. You can't decide about me after 26 years of loyal, loving, caring marriage together? Well then screw you. I'll decide for you. I'm moving on with my life. I want you but I don't need you. I'll be fine and I'll meet someone great who treats me like I deserve.
I took that approach and it instantly killed her MLC. Their AP's are never the better choice. Their AP's are the kind of people who get involved with married people so you're a way better person than they are right from the start. Honestly, once I removed myself as one of her choices, and even started talking to other women, that did the trick. We're still married and I love her deeply but she's now fully aware that I want her but don't need her.
You're all good people. Be strong. Be brave. If they "can't decide" about you then make the decision for them. Then become the person you always dreamed of being. That creates a no-lose scenario for you. They either snap out of their insanity or you move on with your great new self. Either way, you'll be fine. Better than fine. Great.
Fo--TxHub does give really good advice, and I am working really hard to heed it. Easier said than done sometimes.
At the moment, for instance feeling not very detached as he just told me is going to a party on New Years Day, at home of brother of possible A--its three hours away. I was kinda crushed. As I said it felt like we/he was working on the M--we take one step forward and two steps back. I said he "didn't want to sit here for three days". I said "me either" Said he is trying to be honest (HAHA) and he is not sure if he is staying or leaving, I said I understood that. He said "this is where he is in his life, he needs to feel alive" I said "you mean single" and he said "Maybe"
He is out right now, so I gotta pull it together fast. And find something to do on New Years Day
Fo-I am doing ok with sleep I guess. I am so exhausted, I don't really have a choice. I fall asleep ok, but wake up around 1 or 2. Then I take a Simply Sleep, its only 25 mgs, so it gets me thru til morning.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
Mel, you should find a new years party to go to if that's what you would like. You need some GAL activities where you have a lot of fun without him. Don't bother letting him know until your plans are close. If he gets upset just act matter of fact about it. See if there are new years eve meet-ups in your area. Find an event that looks like fun. Sitting home and sulking while he parties feeds his ego. Don't do that. You have worth. I've read your words and I can promise you that you're worth better than this treatment. He will keep it up until you realize your worth and do something about it. I know it's hard. I really do but you can do it. Be brave.
Gosh TxHubby... You really do make a woman swoon, even one who has no idea who you are. Your advice means so much to me right now. I am so danged sad, and so mad at myself for being so danged sad.
I may have pushed a little too hard tonite. When he got back, I said I was hurt by his decision, but it was his decision, so go. He seemed genuinely surprised that I was hurt, cuz "hes been honest and I knew of his intentions" I said I was still his wife, whether he wore his ring or not (he hasn't since BD, maybe before), and I still had feelings, and I did want want to be Plan B. He said he was truly undecided but more not staying than staying. I said I understood, and after some rewriting of history-- hes not been happy in 21 years, theres no passion, blah blah blah, I got up and left the house for 2 hours.
Oh my aching head.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
Ugh, the rewriting history really does suck. Is there a clinical term for this?
Yep, it's called dissembling, prevaricating,mendacious, equivocating and just plain a$inine. The latter is the clinical term in my book.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYG--- yes I do believe that is the clinical term. I have some others---no, wait, those were terms I used for him as I walked out the door.
I know what he's doing and its not gonna work. He's being mean on purpose, so as to not hurt me later if he decides to walk. How do I know this? He told me. Well, bring it buddy!! (I don't believe anything you say anyway)
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
Mel, now you're talking. It's good to see you say some strong words. You are strong. Remember that. You may want him but you don't need him. Think about that. It gives you some power over your life at this point. It's fine to want him but you must realize you don't need him. If he wants to make a joke of his life then so be it. We all have our life story. Make yourself the hero of yours. Let him make himself the villain of his life story if that is what he wants. He can still be on your team but your team has a set of standards to live by and you don't want to let just anybody in.
Seriously though, do some GAL. Even if you're scared or feel like you're not ready. Do it anyway. Go through the motions if you have to but do something. Try to find something to do on New Years eve. Do something fun with family. Maybe something you've never done before. I started Google searching for events in my area. Fortunately I live by a huge city so there are a lot of events. I planned events with my kids and we went. She was like WTF? You don't let me know what you're doing? I said I used to when you were on my team but you've said you're not sure if you want to be part of that so I no longer plan my comings and goings with you. Did I mean it deep down? Heck no. It was killing me. I was faking it but I faked it long enough to start believing it. It was when she saw that I could move on just fine without her that made her realize she didn't want to lose me.
I'm not saying this always works. Sometimes the marriage is truly over. You have to accept that as a possible outcome. I did and you know what that did? It gave me the power over this situation. The power over my life. It made me feel great. She'd say things to hurt me that used to always work. Things like "I'm going out this weekend, don't know when I'll be back." I would just say "Ok, have fun. We have plans so don't worry about us if you try to call and we don't answer." That ate her up. She stopped saying those hurtful things. Today she thanks me all the time for sticking by her and making her snap out of it.
You're a good person. Take control of your life back. No pursuing walk away or cheating spouses. Do GAL! Go out for New Years. Live. You can do it. We can all do it.
Seriously though, do some GAL. Even if you're scared or feel like you're not ready. Do it anyway. Go through the motions if you have to but do something. ... It was when she saw that I could move on just fine without her that made her realize she didn't want to lose me.
That sure sounds like good advice, and it's great hearing that it worked for you. Thanks.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
