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A Message from Michele
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#2626880 11/26/15 10:49 PM
Joined: Nov 2015
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AU Bob Offline OP
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H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 210
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AU Bob Offline OP
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If WW/WAS asks for help with her car, what should I do?


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
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Tell her to call a mechanic


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Quote:
Im a little shady about taking spouse's back after being WW. I mean, they have been with someone else, lied and betrayed us, we did not.
Don't get me wrong, I would take mine back, but how do you deal with what they have done, and how do you live with the fact that they could do that to you, the breach of trust, and the fact that they could switch off from you and not have empathy for you?
I don't understand how someone you have shared most of your life with, the person who has fathered or mothered your child can do this.
Social media, family peer pressure, the breakdown of morals, stigma breakdown (birth of the "Cougar"). And I think one of the most damaging, Reality TV programs.
My wife has started going to night clubs since our split, at 46 years old I would have thought that was behind her and was not age appropriate, how wrong I was. I thought I would have a look at the scene for my self, and was shocked. I attended a night club on the coast here and 70% of the women there were over 40, I could not believe it, when I was in my 20's if there was anyone over 30 in a club they were laughed at!
I believe family value has degraded to a point of almost non existence, it's become socially accepted and too easy to just walk away and focus on individual happiness, don't worry about the family unit, as long as your happy it's all good, but what about the fall out from that, the breakdown of the family unit and the suffering of the innocent other half, and children, do the therapists take them into account?
I know I had issues and I accepted that and have taken steps to address them, admittedly it was late into the relationship, but she had issues as well but did not want to work on them, the therapist told her individual happiness is what everyone deserves and I was taking that away from her.


Yes, this is the reality we live in. It stinks. But the sooner you accept reality the better.

Time for you to spend 100% of your energy building a life that you want to live for yourself. Your turn to be selfish. I hear you asking about FB pages. Don't worry about how your decisions will impact her. The best thing you can do is to detach and build your new life. The more you use her predicted reactions as a compass the more pain this will cause you and the more you will enable her destructive choices. Instead just decide- what would your life look like if you KNEW she would NEVER look back. Now start building it!

With one catch- no female companionship. You don't get to do anything that a married man shouldn't. Not fair? Well, what's not fair would be for you to judge her for her choices and then make similar choices. My motto has always been "act with the character you wish she had". Trust me, you are no where NEAR ready to be close to another woman. That's pure self medication, there is no growth in that. And you'd be slamming the door on any chances of R.

This isn't a sprint. There is no move that's going to win her back, nor is there any insight that will stop you from hurting. It is long, painful, lonely walk. And it doesn't lead to R. It leads to you accepting the loss, and finding yourself healthy and strong at the end. I'm not going to pretend that the loss won't hurt forever. It will. But it won't run your life.

I am still dealing with pain and anger, although probably like 5% of what it once was. What helped me was realizing this: If I couldn't be happy with my life, as it is TODAY...with my children, my job, my friends, my hobbies, and all of the blessings God has given me...if I STILL looked up to the sky and said "I can't possibly accept or be happy with this, I refuse to be satisfied with the life you've given me unless I get the marriage I want"...if I was really THAT unappreciative...well, in that case God throwing me a woman wouldn't possibly make me happy anyway.

What will your single life look like in 6 months?


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Good comment Zues.
Exactly isittoolate.


ME:51 W:46
M:25
S:22, S:20
Divorced 16/9/15
BD 10/12
W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12.
Dark since 6/13
I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 210
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AU Bob Offline OP
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Thanks. Zues126.
You are very good at explaining, you have put it all into perspective! Being human makes us open to doing things that stem from emotion, as we all know here that is not always the right and proper thing to do, it leads to mistakes that we regret later, but we still do it.
This is why I am here, for the support and the strength you people can provide for some one in my sitch.
When I think about what I am doing and have lost my way you guys come to my rescue and stop me from making more mistakes.
I love all of you for helping me with my life decisions.
Thank you all.


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 210
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AU Bob Offline OP
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I need some advice!
When my wife walked out she did it while i was at work. She told our daughter that was living at home before she did it, obviously she was shocked and upset, she packed some things and went to stay with one of my other daughters, she was there for 8 weeks until things settled down and she decided to come home and live with me.
This has had it moments her being 16 im sure most of you would know what its like for them at this age!
She has been spending a lot of time with her mother for the last 6 weekends all day and staying over. I have asked her to do stuff but she seems reluctant. I think it is because her mother is spending money on her and taking her places. Buying her affection?
I think my daughter has put the goings on of her mothers relationship with OM out of her mind. She knows about him and dose not like it, but it dose not seem to affect the relationship with her mom.
I am concerned about what to do. I would like to have quality time with her instead of just talking to her at the dinner table and when im taking her out for driving lessons in the afternoon.
I feel her mother is trying to buy her affections and by doing this in time hope that things with OM will be forgotten or blow over!
How do i explain to her i would like more quality time with her in weekends without putting her mum down? I feel her mother is trying to manipulate her.


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 210
A
AU Bob Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
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Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 210
Any advice?


H 50
W 46
T 31
M 24
EA 11.11.15
PA not sure.
Dx3
Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Member
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Originally Posted By: AU Bob
I need some advice!
She has been spending a lot of time with her mother for the last 6 weekends all day and staying over. I have asked her to do stuff but she seems reluctant. I think it is because her mother is spending money on her and taking her places. Buying her affection?
I think my daughter has put the goings on of her mothers relationship with OM out of her mind. She knows about him and dose not like it, but it dose not seem to affect the relationship with her mom.
I am concerned about what to do. I would like to have quality time with her instead of just talking to her at the dinner table and when im taking her out for driving lessons in the afternoon.
I feel her mother is trying to buy her affections and by doing this in time hope that things with OM will be forgotten or blow over!
How do i explain to her i would like more quality time with her in weekends without putting her mum down? I feel her mother is trying to manipulate her.


Very tough situation. My children aren't at this age and I don't pretend to know how difficult it is just yet. I'll take a shot at some advice even if it's not ideal.

I think right now you have to back burner your emotional needs and instead focus on rising above it.

I can imagine that it's hard to see D16 appearing to take WW's side...minimizing her affair or turning a blind eye...being taken in by her spin on the story...maybe even buying in to the spew that WW is saying about you...and being bought off by flash and glitter. That has to be tough. I can imagine the desire to win her to your side, to set the record straight, to defend yourself, and even to enlist her as an ally to help shoot down OM and to distance herself from WW to help demonstrate the consequence of her choices.

But while those are natural desires, those won't help you right now. Anything you do to encourage that will backfire in so many ways. D16 and WW will think you're using D16 as a pawn, WW will justify her opinions of you, and it will push them away farther.

You MUST find other ways to meet your emotional needs, and find other ways to feel validated, so none of this is perceived.

As for D16...it's not about what you want from her. It's about making sure she gets what she needs from you. Right now she doesn't think she needs anything, but you get to show her how a man leads his family through a crisis, and how he handles injustices. Stand tall. Lead with poise. Make the time you have together quality, and let her bloom in the sunlight of your strength.

That time together may be limited right now, and maybe she has fallen under the spell of WW...but this season will change, probably sooner than later. There will be a time when she looks back and sees the walk you walked. You have the rest of your life with your D if you play your cards right, and she will come back to dad for sure, as long as you don't do anything to drive her away for good.

Just my two cents. Sorry you have to deal with this my man.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
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Just wanted to add an amen to this:

Quote:
As for D16...it's not about what you want from her. It's about making sure she gets what she needs from you. Right now she doesn't think she needs anything, but you get to show her how a man leads his family through a crisis, and how he handles injustices. Stand tall. Lead with poise. Make the time you have together quality, and let her bloom in the sunlight of your strength.

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