The beauty of this community is that nobody is going to judge you if you are describing your loneliness and your sadness. Better to vent them here, than keeping everything inside as this will hurt you more than anything. I know that I'm a bit head of you, and I'd say that now out of a week: 50% is bad days and 50% good days. I'm not there yet, although I can see it getting better. You'll get there but you need to overcome the shock of all this, then little by little you'll change and see thing differently.
Keep posting positive or negative. We are always here to listen.
I have kept things inside for much of my life. The blowups from keeping everything in were more frequent during the last year of MR. Becoming aware of this weighs down my esteem but also opens my eyes to a lot of what has transpired in my life from childhood to this day.
This is something I have worked on since BD and in IC. It is one of the TLTL points I agree with. This might be why I put out so much inthemoment sentiment here. Would have could have should have be d----d.
I fell asleep early last night. I have felt exhausted for a few days and I think it all caught up. I had a bout of dreams soon after BD that would wake me up in cold shivers and fear. Last night I had another one of those which took me by surprise. It has been a while. GAL activities have helped to keep my mind off of things for a time. I believe this was a subconscious relapse possibly because of the work I have put in to keeping thoughts away. It also may be because of my last post. The reflection it stirred in me. Who knows.
What I do know is this group and all of you in it have helped tremendously and inspired me to look forward. This group helps put things in perspective. We all care much for each other. Tough love and soft love is abundant here and it keeps me here learning working through all I can. I hope for a good day to all of us. Thank you . . .
Here is an example of the communal encouragement I mention . . .
Taking the advice from Pinn-
Pinn I will expand on my comments earlier while not hijacking your thread.
About time lost- I had a moment of weakness and jumped when my L said jump not when my heart told me it was time. And it started the countdown. I was too emotionally attached to the idea of OM and where that was leading. It caused a heavy fog to surround and hinder my ability to follow my plan and not my feelings. I read about others who have been at this for years. I can not say I would have that kind of strength but I also can not say I would not.
To save my M is the greatest hope of all and I would love to say I accomplished that at some point in the future. From what I get about DB there is a #1 priority to focus on first. I am developing a better 2point0. Creating 2point0.2.0. I still have the gift of time for this goal.
Your options are plenty. You can sit back and wait. You can DB with everything it takes or none at all. You are in a position where the tips and advice you find here are all available actions for you. It may or may not work to save your M but it will work to make a better Pinn.
I was asked recently if I still saw the possibility of R in my stich. It took me a few minutes to answer.
Before answering I had some what of a vision. I was walking a tight rope above two tall buildings. I was carrying an abnormally big balancing stick. There were two nets one on each side and a long deep drop to the city streets. I could hardly see the cars driving across the road. There were visible tears on each net. One to my right and one to my left. They did not worry me. I knew I could fall in either direction and still land safely into one.
The thought had many unusual metaphors than how I normally think . . .
Hi 2point, Just caught up on your sitch...ah, this imagery is nice... No matter what happens you will be just fine- even better than fine! There's a good chance you won't even fall at all! You could even make it to the other building without losing balance at all- and may have the opportunity to rejoice in knowing that you went through a scary feat and can be proud for pushing through. Keep up the good personal work!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hi Feyth thank you for the words. I like the interpretation. It took some thinking through to understand what it meant but I believe you are right.
The last few days have been some what of a reopening in life. I had some conversations with people that helped open my eyes and feel differently about what is going on in my world. I think I can see a horizon and a road to take now where before this I was staring at bleak darkness and winding paths that were really leading me no where.
Now I just need to knock off this cough and cold that hit me a couple of days ago. I want to get back to running.
