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Ginger1 #2677046 05/13/16 09:27 AM
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Hey Peeps!

Graduation went very well. It was a long road trip to and from NY, and my butt is still reeling from the sitting. You probably saw some photos on the alt that I actually took. They are surprisingly good! I'm admitting that I'm not great with a camera, but I'm glad she asked me to bring it.

Chuck Schumer was the guest speaker, and he was delightful. Witty and fun and not political. Who knew? Yes, I wept during the ceremony. She was sweet about it, though. Four years ago, she would have had a different reaction. smirk We've come a long way.

Our big news occurred on our drive home. We were at Mr. Wonderful's tailgate, chowing down on some lunch, when she got her job offer. Oddly enough, it's the same company that her dad and I worked for when we met and started dating, just in western Massachusetts. She starts on 6/20. We're super happy for her, but at the same time, a little sad too. My sister surprised her by letting her know she'd fly out over July 4th, and they're planning on taking the Amtrak into Boston for the weekend. One of the perks at her company is that she has every other Friday off (they work 9 hour days instead of 8).

What I'm enjoying now is coming home to dinner. Her BF drove out with us and he's been a trouper. He moves to NC in June, so we will see how this plays out.

Now that the heavy lifting is done, it's time for me and D19 to get active and healthy. It's my #1 goal now. We're planning on hiking at Waterton Canyon on Sunday, hoping the weather will agree with our plans.

BA, want to drop by my folks' house on Saturday of Memorial Day weekend? They're throwing a party. Come have a drink with everyone, and bring Carol. It's my sister and BIL's 14th anniversary, and the more the merrier! You'll love my BIL - and you have a lot in common.

Job, congratulations on your promotion here. You so deserve that.

Hugs to everyone!
Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Underdog #2677047 05/13/16 09:29 AM
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p.s. for Cadet and his lady love: D22 will be moving to Pittsfield, which is an hour from Albany. I'll try to make it work to swing a convenient place to see you guys when we fly out. smile


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Underdog #2678244 05/17/16 08:01 AM
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Hey Bets!

Glad graduation went well and a big congrats to your daughter on securing a great job so quickly after her graduation!!!

My D17 (will be D18 in just 6 days!) is set for her HS graduation a month from now. When D19 graduated 2 years ago we all had a combined after graduation dinner at a local restaurant. XW and her BF attended and it was a nice outing. XW asked me a couple of weeks ago what if I wanted to do the same or what the plan was. So given that, I asked D17 if she wanted to have a combined dinner with all of us or separate ones, that it was her day and whatever she wanted was fine with all of us. She said, "uh no - there's way too much tension". Apparently, behind the scenes XW is still royally p!ssed that I had her sisters over to my house (at their insistence, mind you) for a couple of hours during the weekend of her wedding and doesn't filter her disdain around D17 or D19 for that matter. So we will have separate dinners which in the end is fine with me.

The good news is that I applied for a job here at work that would result in a promotion for me. More than 50 people applied and 7 were interviewed. Last night I got a call from my boss giving me "unofficial" notification that I was selected for the job - so happy dance about that. This puts me at the top Grade of the Federal Civil Service General Schedule and will help immensely with the BA retirement exit strategy! grin

No plans currently in place for Memorial Day weekend so it would be great to see you Bets and a plus for you to meet "Carol."

BA

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Hi all,

It's been awhile and I'm processing stuff again, so I thought I'd jump in here to do that. Before I do, thanks to BA for coming over to the melee and bringing Carol. It was delightful to meet her. I'm sorry it was busy... Weddings and funerals seem to do that. And a special thanks for the wine and scotch. I drank the scotch on the plane home. smile

So next week, D22, D19 and I will be making the trek to Massachusetts to move D22. I hadn't planned on another road trip, but all her friends who said they would drive with her bailed, and Mr. Wonderful is otherwise occupied, so I'm doing it. I just didn't think it was safe for a 22 year old female to make a 3+ day drive alone while towing a 6x12' trailer. There's so much that could happen. She's really happy about it, so there is that.

Mr. Wonderful can't go because his dad passed away on Monday. He left for Montana after a dental appointment yesterday. That's the only reason he gets a free pass from me. Right now, anyway. When he gets back, however, I'm probably going to give him a come to Jesus talk.

Sigh. I thought I had been diplomatic yet pointed when we drove to NY last month. On that trip, he got grumpy with me for no apparent reason and I called him by his dad's name. He was taken aback when I said it and I told him that he was acting like his dad, and it was a side of his dad he didn't appreciate or like. I told him that he was being a d!ck and nobody wanted to hang out with a d!ck so to consider a different response. He nodded and seemed to get it. Then later on in the trip, he started to go into his a*hole mode so I looked across the table and calmly said, "... D!ck...." and he nodded.

After we got home, I started to notice that d!ck mode was coming back more frequently. And then I realized that he was back with his GF for round 3. He treats everyone like crap when he's dating her. Not my problem. I just call him out when he acts like a jerk with me and he usually stops it.

Anyhoo, last week is when he got word that his dad was in the hospital with kidney failure and that it was the beginning of the end. He invited me and the girls over for dinner on Saturday and we talked about pending plans and had a really nice evening. On our way home, D22 said, "It looks like he's back with her again." I said, "Yep, seems that way to me." She replied, "He's like a damn 7th grade boy. I mean who breaks up and gets back together with their GF 3x? A 13 year old boy!" Then she said, "I'm really not sure why Dad keeps changing the subject when I tell him I want to drive to Montana with him when Gramps dies." I think it was a musing that we both knew the reason, but I let it drop.

He called Monday afternoon to let us know that his Dad had died earlier in the day.

So Tuesday morning, he called me to let me know that he was leaving Wednesday morning and would be dropping D19 off on his way out. Later in the day, D22 dropped D19 off at his house and to pick up his housewarming gift for her. She came home afterward with tears running down her face. I really was surprised and asked what happened? They were not tears of sadness of saying goodbye to her dad...

And then her tears came a little more forcefully. She said, "On my way out the door, I told him I still wanted to go with him and as usual, he kept me at bay. Then he mumbled, "GF is coming with me, and she has a special gift for you. I guess I'll send it." And that pissed her off. She said to him, "I figured that out! I really don't understand why you try to keep your family from me. They're my family too! They're not your GF's family - she's never met them!" He said, "that's why I'm introducing them to her now." She retorted, "You're introducing her--who doesn't drink--to our family--who are raging alcoholics--during a celebration of life and a burial? Are you insane? Who does that?" He looked at her. So she said, "And BTW, I sure as hell hope you and Uncle B ask for an autopsy, because I'm betting he has Korsakoff Syndrome. And for the record, you should be worrying about that too."

I was absolutely dumbfounded. I was a biology/premed major in college, and with a developmentally disabled kid, I think I know more about stuff than the average bear. But I had never heard of Korsakoff. She ran upstairs to change before heading out to play trivia with her friends, so I looked it up on my iPad. And sure enough, it described his dad's symptoms to a T.

She came down and said, "We studied it in one of my chemical engineering classes. I knew the minute we studied it it was what Gramps was suffering from." I said, "What did your dad say when you threw that at him?" She said, "nothing. He just stood there with a blank look on his face."

I swear to God, you guys, I was having flash backs from my marriage and divorce to him. And this reminded me why I found him so frustrating. But it made me super mad that she was now firmly entrenched in these wholly dissatisfying conversations with him. And she's the one who is crying now. That makes my heart hurt.

I've always wanted to slap that blank look off his face. It's the wall he puts up to shut himself off from his emotions. It's also the wall that shuts people out. I want to chew his a$$ out so badly. But like I said earlier, it will wait until we are both home. It's not her fault that he's emotionally stunted.

Before she left, she gave me a hug and a kiss and said, "I had no idea when I was younger, but you deserve a medal for being married to that as long as you were. He doesn't want to grow, and I can't figure out why. I'm so glad you're free from him. For the life of me, I can't figure out how you stayed as long as you did. I love you for this, you know."

I love my kid. She's the best. Too bad her dad is an emotionally stunted 55 year old man with the emotional maturity of a 13 year old boy. She nailed that exactly right.

For the record, on our trip to/from NY, I told him I was calling him out because I was and always had been his friend. I reminded how hurt he was by his R with his dad. He smiled and said, "Yes. You're right. And how is it that you feel safe telling me this now?" I said, "Cause what's the worst you could do? Divorce me? You already did. I'm doing you a favor now." And he laughed.

He shows glimpses of being normal and then doesn't. It just svcks that he's resumed his old R with me with our daughter. You can bet your a$$ I'll be coaching her through this. I did tell her, "I'm advising you to continue your conversation with him after you get settled and the emotions aren't hot. And then I think you should say everything you want to say. Because Grandma P used to blame me for putting the distance between her and you girls. She never believed me that it was her son's choice. Now the truth is out there for everyone to see."

Ugh. So now he's kind of sucking up by texting her. She's okay with it, so he should be glad it's her and not me. Right now, he just pi$$es me off and I want to thump him on the head.

Back to work. Hope everyone else is having an easier time with their former spouses. I can wish that for you, right?

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Underdog #2684429 06/09/16 11:30 AM
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Bets, its great to get an update from you. I'm always impressed with how both you and your daughter seem so self-aware and handle difficult situations so well. A couple of years ago, I couldn't have imagined myself doing that, but I think I'm coming along smile It's a little discouraging that Mr Wonderful is still being difficult after all these years, but I suppose that's just who he is and it's never going to change. That doesn't really make me look forward to interacting with Mr. Perfect in 15 years, but if I can do it with half the grace that you show, it will be OK. All the best to you and the girls.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
SunnyB #2684433 06/09/16 11:42 AM
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bets, your life is never, ever boring is it?

I have got to hand it to you on raising such an amazing intelligent daughter. She clearly gets it from you!

My ex and I can get along for the most part like you and Mr. Wonderful do. However, we are no longer married and he cannot bully me anymore. Just like the R gets a little easier between the two of you. My biggest fear, has always been he would treat my daughter like he did me. I prayed he would not. But he does. And my 8 year old is not old enough to call him out on his sh!t, directly to him, but she sure will to me. She told me a few weeks ago "daddy is such a monster and could be so mean. grandma is so sweet and nice, I do not understand how daddy was born from her". And I know the damage control is in my court.

I have to say it really helps to see that your daughter is so strong as are you in these situations. I'm sad for her that he does not put his daughter first, but the way she handled it is impressive. And off course momma bear wants to thump the idiot in the head.

I hope things slow down a bit for you soon. And if you swing through Jersey on your way up to MA, my home is open to you all, always!

Ginger1 #2684466 06/09/16 01:42 PM
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Thanks for stopping by, Sunny and Ginger!

Sunny, the encouraging part is that I've not had these issues with Mr. W. in years. I think this is because I don't have conversations with him where emotion comes into play. I kind of set up our communications to succeed. That means I manage my expectations and steer the conversations to generic, friendly and about our girls.

Ginger, I miss you. If you could conveniently move NJ to somewhere in the middle of NY, that would be great! That isn't to say that NJ won't be part of my plan sometime in the near future. It probably will! And I'll make sure you're in my plan!

Sigh. I guess what I've learned here is that it isn't me. That should make me joyous, right? The communication problem I had when we were emotionally connected is apparently not 100% due to me. And yes, it totally svcks that he finds himself emotionally backed into a corner with his daughter. All she wanted from him is to accompany him to her grandfather's memorial and burial. That *should* be a no-brainer, right? I mean, it's not wrong for her to expect to be with her dad when her own family is buried. It really pi$$es me off that he's just as crappy with his daughter as he was with me.

Ginger, let me offer this as a ray of hope with you and your kiddo. D22 was 8 when her dad moved out. Truthfully, she can only barely remember life when we were all together. She has glimpses and definite memories, but most of it is living in two households. cry

Every action or conversation I had with her while she lived with me was focused on what I wanted for her. #1 was for her to have an untainted R with her dad. I never wanted her to have to grow up to apply a filter because of my bias. Sure, I had bias, but I had to continually focus on what I'd want if I were her. It did get much easier with time.

The big caveat, though, was that she primarily lived with me, she periodically got thrown into therapy, and our household was an emoting one. I'm going to ask for 2-3 years of a deletion in that high school/college period. That was a blip in our history - albeit important - but most of our life together has been ok. I've always encouraged her to display and talk through emotion. I've always told her it was safe to express the ugly feelings, as long as she wasn't unkind in her display of emotion. I had to work at it.

At 9, she could have *never* been emotionally honest with him. I think she knew deep down that she was going to be the one that suffered. She undoubtedly was doing a lot of observing back then and subconsciously knew that it was not entirely safe. And I think that skepticism has carried forward. She didn't start having these issues with her dad until this past Christmas. The only thing I can attribute this to is because of her pending graduation.

Back when he was in college, he had a very antagonistic and contentious R with his dad. He finished college in 3 years. He got his EE in 3 fricking years and his dad treated him like crap. Before he graduated, his dad told him that he better have plans, because he wasn't welcome at home. From his account when we were dating, his dad wasn't nice. He had no intention of moving back to Montana after getting his engineering degree (on a full scholarship, mind you) or ever living with his parents again. There were many other smaller, hurtful conversations after that too.

So what surprised the he!! out of me was learning that he had a similar conversation with her when she was home for spring break. She was beyond hurt and stunned. It was said unkindly and he let her know that the day after graduation, she was not part of his financial plan. I called him out on this one. And I reminded him that he *hated* his dad for this conversation. His reply? "Well, as much as I hated it, Dad was right." I just shook my head and said, "Seriously? Are you kidding? Because you just turned into the biggest prick on the planet. She's a great kid, gets great grades, she's not a slacker in the slightest and you say that crap to her? Well, news flash. If she wants to live with me while she searches for the job she wants, I'LL help her. So back the hell off." He was really surprised. For the record, she was a presidential scholar her last semester - a 3.8 GPA. Is that the GPA of a freeloader?

He seriously turned into the side of his dad that he despised. And he's heading toward a future of alienation if he keeps it up. Because she will not go out of her way to talk to him. She got that from him, BTW. Only I won't blame her.

What a complete a*hole. I can't even use non cuss words, because they are just too lame.

Keep on keeping on, Ginger. Your D9 will get here soon enough, and one day we'll be having a beer while I get to hear you relay this crap. I promise you that. Your D is not the silent type. And when she becomes an adult, my guess is that she's going to exercise her right to come back at her dad. Mark my words.

Hugs, ladies.

BTW, I have other things happening behind the scenes that aren't boring. The threat of a lawsuit by my next door neighbor, big expenses at the house, drama in my VA family and a slow period here at work. Election years and summer are typically slow, but after a slow winter/spring, it's killing me. I need a drink...


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Underdog #2685449 06/13/16 09:41 PM
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Hi Betsey,
Sorry to hear about how mean your xh was.

But congrats on your d18! She's done really well! You've done a lovely job with her.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Underdog #2686123 06/16/16 10:24 AM
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Hi Bets!

It was GREAT to see you and especially meet your girls during Memorial Day weekend. I was very sorry that "Carol" and I could not spend more time with you! Hopefully next time will be a more extended visit.

Sorry to hear about Mr. Wonderful's not so wonderful attitude and interaction with your D22. I personally cannot understand that at all. Makes no sense at all and is just sad. That being said if there's anyone who can give him a swift kick in the arse and provide him an attitude adjustment, you are more than capable! :-)

Glad you enjoyed the scotch on the return trip home!

Best,
BA

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Hey Bets, this is just a drive by! I'm not even sure how I got here smile

All the best, you've got this!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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