in house S (4)

[vise82]

Hey starting a new thread.

I hope to continue with the no arguing and no fighting, less stress calmer in house S.

To take the time I have been given to work on me, think about what matters to me, continue to be a great dad and move forward towards DB.

Old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2618639&page=10

[Enigma]

Hey Vise,
Your path of working on you, continuing to be a great dad, and moving "forward" with DB is a great strategy IMHO.

Reading prior thread of in-house separation, that was extremely difficult and I believe makes it that much more difficult to DB the way we wish to. I too kept the MB and was my private area. While my S2 was awake, WW and I had basic interaction in main living area but as my WW was heavily into OM R (and still is as she eventually moved in with him), I purposely kept my distance but was still cordial and friendly as a simple neighbor when around her. This became easier over time as I began to have no expectations in our interactions. Once S2 was asleep, she would retreat to her room and there would be little to no contact afterwards. Nothing of a friendship sort in my case. This was difficult at first as I was losing my best friend, but I couldn't condone what she had done and realize the only thing I can control are my actions and improving myself as a person which is continuous. So that journey continues, and I continue to detach further.

It's amazing how one day our W's are loving, caring, compassionate around us, then another distant, cold, and selfish like they've been replaced by someone else. We hold onto the old W's during our S which causes us pain, because of our attachment to that past. The reality of our S is in front of us with this new W whom we do not recognize, yet we hold out to hope that our old W will somehow wake up and come back. It is accepting the new reality for what it is with this new person, and letting them go through their journey on their own that is challenging. All the while we undertake our journey to work on us which is a journey we never would have initiated were it not for our S.

I may have missed but is your W talking of D? Or is it just separation? I agree to let her do the heavy lifting.

As I'm still new at this and can't really offer any advice (others are providing good advice from what I can see), all I can do is share my situation and offer any support I can as I understand how difficult this all is.

[vise82]

hey enigma,

To answer your question, W is just asking for S. She says she has been holding off with it because she could see how bad it was affecting me. but now that I was not going to her parents house she feels that I am ready for it, so she took her rings off.

It just a point of limbo now. I see she filled the sink with dirty dishes today and didn't empty the dishwasher. Last night before she came home I did all the dishes and started the dishwasher. So she has decided that I should have emptied the dishwasher this morning??? She is working late tonight so I will take care of it. Small stuff for sure. This is why she unloads it more then me, she feeds the kids breakfast in the morning, I don't eat and am gone early. Why would she get mad about that, I load the DW at night but I guess that doesn't count for anything???

I think I am doing well if that's the biggest issue right now. good thing she is leaving me, no one can live like that with such big problems, (joking)

[vise82]

Hey,

W came home after working late, I gave one kid a bath and put him to bed, W took care of the older kid.

W started a converstion, for what is happening for the weekend as she is going to a wedding. W is in the wedding party her best friend is getting married.

The wedding is near her parents house so W will be staying at her parents house for two nights, Friday night, wedding on sat then sat night.

I drop the kids off at the inlaws on Thursday night and MIL will drop them off to me Friday after work

W will be meeting me half way to pick up the kids to go back to the inlaws on sunday for dinner.

She also mentioned that the kids have missed there play event three times as the organizer called her, she was asking me if everything is ok, as she didn't know they missed so many days.

I told her that one of the days she didn't take them, the other day I had to go to the bank and the other time was when the kids were having so much fun I decided they wouldn't rush to go and just miss it.

Its time to register for the winter session and she is giving me a hard time saying why register if they don't go and am I going to be able to get them there?

I was holding back got frustrated because she was basically saying I was incapable of getting them there.

I had to leave the room as I was getting worked up. She knows what buttons to push and then says no I am not saying that you are doing a bad job of getting them there. Or that you cant do it. But that is what she is saying.

I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying, the reality of us not going to her best friends wedding hit me, we used to do everything together and I was close with her best friend. Never imagined I wouldn't get invited.

I want to ask my W if it was her or her friend that didn't want me to go? I feel so left out. I feel the loss that my W should be feeling.

Do I ask her this? or does it not matter?

In the morning I didn't ask her and I think she didn't hear me crying as she didn't mention it.

[OhGreat]

The other day my wife kissed and said ILY to my kids, then left with the eldest. I went to the bathroom, locked the door, sat on the floor and cried. I got dressed, went to a meeting and met with an old friend for lunch. Don't say anything. It doesn't matter and the chances of full honesty aren't great. Think about the number of times you've lied to your wife when you thought you had a good R, think about how honest you'd be if you thought it was a bad one or none at all. Pointless.

It's tough this-detaching but still being connected. People here can say all they want that you need to totally disconnect, but you can't really do both, be willing to stand for your marriage and totally divorce yourself from feeling anything. You can only accept when you feel like crap, that trying to change her is pointless and do your best to always present yourself in the best light. What I do, in moments of weakness, that seems to be working, is even if I am angry or frustrated or fight and show it, I go out and come back and act as if nothing happened. My w is expecting me to be moody and cold and angry for a while. I won't do that anymore. I have to much at stake. I am not going to drink the pain away anymore. I am not going to allow it to govern my actions anymore. I guess what I'm saying is, even if you bend and feel weak, you don't have to break. You can snap right back.

Your w is going to push all your buttons because she wants you to react the way you always have. If I'm stuck with what is opposite-I just do what my w would do. That throws them off.

[vise82]

Hey OhGreat,

Thanks for that, Just a down time for me. It will pass.

W asked what we are doing for S6 birthday its in mid dec. I ask what does she want to do? she didn't answer and I waited a while and said nothing. She didn't say anything.

I think she is wondering If we are doing separate parties I don't know but she did send me a link for an idea so I said we could do that. I also said we can think about it.

So in the past he has a big party with all his family but that is all my W side of the family as I don't talk to my family. So it will be awkward for me to be there, because now I don't see her side of the family because I stopped going to there sides events. But I don't see anyway else to do it but me going.

I imaging W will stay at opposite sides of the room as that is how it was even before BD. Before she expected me to watch the kids as she ignored me and visited with her family.

I don't think its an option not to go at this point, our younger S had three birthday parties and I missed the one my W parents had for him and W now uses that against me that I missed my kids Birthday party. Doesn't tell everyone that he had a party on his birthday and we gave him his gifts and cake then.

I guess until the kids know about the S, this is the route I should go?

[otw]

bday party is about the child. Everything else is put in the background.

[vise82]

Hey,

I am at a weird spot right now, with my S6 birthday my W is talking to me a lot more as we are planning it. Looks like she is putting off talk of selling the house till the new year.

She has mentioned about going together on the kids Christmas gifts.

right now that is how we are doing it, we have a joint account and all the house and kids needs are paid through that.

It ben a stressfull time together, I was angry towards her.

Now that I have GAL going and I am more confident. Taking back the MBR has helped my confidence.

I want to start being the H that she would be crazy to leave. But I don't also want to get back into the do everything W says like in the old MR.

Am I sliding right now, giving into what W wants? Because really Christmas is for the kids. But I am thinking that if I go to her parents like last year like everything is the same should I do that? I am stronger now, I think I could handle it for the most part.I just don't want to mess everything that I been DBing up.

[vise82]

Hey tonight tryied to have a converstion with W about some money that was put into the joint account by mistake from my employer. W think she is entitled to her half of it.

Long story short it turned into a fight of how I don't make enough money and that it everyones problem but mine, and I am not willing to get a second job. I am pushing a budget right now and W wants nothing to do with it, she doesn't need one, we don't make enough to have one she says. But she told me that bill are going to be late this winter to pay for Christmas and birthdays party.

Everything I said I didn't want to do, I said to cut back. she said what we are not going to have a birthday party for our son??

She is out of control with money I think we need to see a financial adviser or something because I have no control over this situation. Even with separate accounts.

[vise82]

Hey

Last night was a bump in the road, I need to change where we talk because she sits on the couch, I interrupt her watching TV and stand in the door way talking.

I think I need to get her sitting at a table or something.

I am a little frustrated with this money thing, She is fighting over it and call me a nitpicker because I am fighting over $100.So she just want me to leave it in the account like its not my money.

She started to cry again, and said why haven't you been interested in the bills before until now. I told her that she had given me a wake up call, and that I am now focused on making me a better person. I left the room after that.


I let it go last night, wrote her a check for what she wanted for bills.

Later I saw her that night and said we really need to have a budget.




So this morning she is up and we talk logistics, she will be away three nights now for this wedding, staying at her parents house.

So this morning was the last time we will see each other, over the course of the morning we said good bye to each other three times. Then as I left the house, I told her to have fun. Most mornings she says nothing to me.

I think she is still struggling with the reality of the S and needs this time to sort out what she really wants. I hope she finds an answer. I wanted to ask her if she was OK because she was crying but I thought it want a good idea right now. I almost started to cry this morning as I talked to her looking her in her eyes listening to what she was saying and all I can think is this could be that last time that I see her and us like this as it could all change for the worse when she comes back. As she enters the real world with out me not knowing if she will want to come back to me or not.

She is not doing good, not taking care of herself, she has been bingeing on sweets and snacks, gained some weight, her face was all broken out. She was dieting but gave up and has bought a spandex body suit to look slimmer.