Weeding and watering

[JulieH]

Mustard seed,

I have been on my second round of faking detachment. Doing pretty good with it past 1 month. I hope that as I GAL, it will become real. I still have to GAL though. I went surfing a couple of times back when I was a teenager (I could never actually stand up though). Now I would be too afraid, but that is awesome that you did it!

I too have to accept that things are out of my hands. This has been difficult for me. The way you described choosing between being patient and trusting that your life will be ok versus anger and resentment really resonated with me. I have been so angry for so long. And you are right. It can lead to bad decisions. Was your choice a conscious choice, or something you would have to remind yourself of every time anger popped up?

I also related to your comment about rediscovering your fun, likeable side. I know it's there but I still haven't found mine.

Anyway, thank you once again for posting. I really do relate to your insights. You have a very clear and beautiful way of putting them into writing. Despite all you have gone through, you posts reveal an inner peace and calm. They are very valuable to me.

[mustardseed]

I was never really good with anger. It is one of those emotions that I always talk myself out of, usually through some sort of self-deprecating process. I always felt like I didn't have a right to be angry, and when I did feel angry I never handled it well and would get in trouble. "Don't get mad" was told to me over and over again when I was a kid, while people pissed me off--on purpose. Maybe it is due to being a middle child that's what I blame all of my flaws on LOL.

With this sitch I was told to get angry over and over again. And then when I did I was told I was being irrational. My IC kept asking me why I wasn't mad, and then I would let myself get mad and things would get worse and I'd go back to her and tell her that getting mad doesn't work. That was when we figured out that I don't know how to get appropriately mad. To me getting mad meant I have to get revenge, I have to see the other person pay and suffer. And if that couldn't happen then I would rather justify the other person's actions so that I wouldn't feel mad, and therefore be frustrated that they weren't paying for what they did.

But I am learning to accept my anger as valid responses to what is happening, but to not let it consume me or make me bitter. I feel it. I pray about it. I trust God will take care of it. And I let it go. It is my anger, but it is not my wrong to right.

You should definitely try surfing again. I tried for the first time at 40! and it was invigorating. And no, I couldn't stand up either but it was still amazing! I think if I recall we live in the same neck of the woods. There is so much going on that is free or inexpensive, especially now that the winter is ending.

Meetup has so many fantastic groups that do hikes and dinners, and pretty much anything you ever wanted to try, or never thought to try. It has been my saving grace since my IRL friends are all busy with their own lives and my custody schedule makes it really hard to be available when everyone is ready to do something.

I have been catching up on your thread, though not fully caught up yet. I hope to see some GAL going on in there. And yes, you can GAL with your kids if child care is the issue--but if you are sharing custody, definitely take advantage of your me time. That time is for you to heal and to explore all of the possibilities.

[mustardseed]

[quote]
And if that couldn't happen then I would rather justify the other person's actions so that I wouldn't feel mad, and therefore be frustrated that they weren't paying for what they did.[quote/]
what I meant to say here is that if I justified the other person's actions, I wouldn't be frustrated that they weren't paying for what they did, because I was probably to blame in some way.

I have learned now that it is ok to be angry. And while I might see someone else's POV, that doesn't justify their actions. WHat is not ok is thinking that I need to take matters into my own hands to right that wrong. I need to be accountable for my mistakes, not take on other people's. And being accountable doesn't mean taking the blame, it means understanding why I did what I did, and figuring out if there is a better way to do it next time. I am trying to think about what my end goal is before I act. Sometimes it isn't worth acting. Part of what helped me do this was that I was emailing my L every time H did something shitty. Each email cost $$. Everyone in my world agreed it was [censored], but my L (who is getting the $$) and the person who is helping me fund my L both said--what is your end game here? Yeah he is a dick--we already new that. But proving he is a dick is a waste of time and resources and really unnecessary. Figure out what you want, and devote the resources into making that happen as efficiently as possible. Period. I was distressed for about a week after that. And then I realized it was exactly the kick in the ass I needed.

He's a dick. Anyone who is worth anything already knows it, so why waste my precious energy trying to prove it. Those who don't know it yet have are not worth my time, or they have a roller coaster ride to hell waiting for them when he flips the switch on them. Not my problem. I am lucky to be on my way to being done with him.

[Vanilla]

Msd

I really want to tell you something very important indeed.

When the [censored] hit the fan in those last few weeks of school, when your co workers were mobbing, you did not give up.

You developed a plan, you learned, you kept on going, you communicated with the head, you changed your tactics.

I was so so proud of you, not burning your bridges in that time. Very proud of the effort and the hard work you put in to walk out with dignity and self respect.

When the going gets tough then the tough get going.

That was you then and is you now.

Please do not under estimate yourself, your determination and strength.

Dearest Mustardseed that is so important to the woman you have become. Thank you for sharing your journey, it was a very tough walk to make. Indeed it was, you deserve every single success for it.

That tough and difficult time is the stuff that made you who you are.

With love and great respect

V

[mustardseed]

Thank you, V. Your post was exactly what I needed. I keep remembering how I didn't quit last year when I really felt--irrationally as my thought process was--that the stress and panic was going to kill me. I was someone I didn't recognize and I was more scared than I have ever been in my life. And I did stick it out. I saw it to the end. If I survived that, I can easily overcome this.

The after school job is no where near as panic inducing as last year's situation. I feel a bit helpless and unsure--but I must be doing something right because the parents keep asking me if I can take on more days. I was hesitant, but today I am meeting with someone who can guide me in doing this work and help me perfect my approach. I think if I felt confident I would really enjoy this job. Then I did a bunch of math and I realized that doing this job 5 days a week instead of just 3 will provide me with exactly the amount of money I need to not have to rely on my parents' generosity quite so much.

I was praying for solutions to the money issue and I realized this is my answer. At first I was ignoring it waiting for a different miracle to answer my prayers, but now I see this was the answer.

It's like that story about the guy whose house is flooding and he ignores the boat and the plane because he insists that God will save him. Then when he is about to be overtaken he cries out, "God, where were you? I thought you would save me." And God replies, "Hey, I sent you a boat and a plane." I think this is my boat and I need to take it.

I also had a frustrating but interesting recent turn of events in court. The winds are changing. The waiting is paying off. I am so happy I have an ethical and knowledgeable lawyer. Even though I was resentful that I just had to sit back and let WH get away with his abusive tactics, now the tides are turning and things will be coming to a head for him.

Are those some spring buds I am finally seeing?

[mustardseed]

Just checking in. The tide is definitely changing in my favor. It is odd how uncomfortable that is making me feel right now. Like I am finally winning and seeing justice being served but I don't quite trust it. I have to see H today to exchange custody and I am a little afraid of how it might go since I know he had a very deflating morning. Especially after yesterday when he went into a defensive tirade about how awful I am. Today he was cut down to size and I had very little to do with it.

Deep breaths. Stay grounded. Understand that this is God working for me so the only emotion I should allow myself is gratitude. If I get to confident or haughty it will all come crumbling down again. I am only where I am today because I hired an ethical lawyer who is focused on the big picture and a fair outcome. Not taking their bait and seeing immediate justice fed by my desire for revenge, was frustrating for a long time. But by being patient and ethical I gave him and his legal team the space to dig their own graves.

I am finally reaping the benefits and I truly believe I will be able to walk away from this not only satisfied with the outcome, but also with my dignity and self-respect in tact. Something I don't think he will be able to claim.

[mustardseed]

I truly believe I will be able to walk away from this not only satisfied with the outcome, but also with my dignity and self-respect in tact.

Just wanted to add that I think that is the true gift of DBing.
If you are able to save your marriage by doing it than that is an added bonus. But sometimes you find that your marriage really isn't worth saving. The person you married was not the person you believed you married. Either way, the process improves the way you handle relationships in general, including your relationship with yourself. And that is the key. It is so hard to make the switch. To let go. To focus inward and act as if--but soon it all starts to fall into place and the peace is such a gift.

I learned so much. I know that these lessons come in many forms, but it was definitely useful to have a clear motive--I am doing this to save my marriage--as incentive to give it a shot.

[JulieH]

Mustard seed,

Glad your on the up and up. Such great news.
I remember reading about your year adjusting to a difficult job and I am happy your legal nightmare is turning around.

I agree regarding DBing. In my case, I really needed to make some serious changes about myself and sadly the motivation had to be a tough one cause I wasn't getting it. Our next relationship partners are going to be so lucky.
(I still often wish it could be husband but am realizing it probably will not be)

Maybe one day we will be able to go surfing together (I still have a wet suit, but not so confident in my swimming capabilities anymore) maybe I should just try mountain climbing.

[mustardseed]

Julie, I think I just recently got the point where I no longer wish it could be my husband. That is a freeing feeling. However, as detached as I am from him right now, I still find myself feeling protective of him. There were many times i was tempted to give him the heads up about what was about to go down--I have no idea if it was his L's fault or his for what has happened these past few months--perhaps both, the L took the fall today.

I don't know if this feeling is guilt because the wife in me wanted to help him avoid the heat of today. But that is completely irrational. I am not responsible for the choices he and his L has made that got them into trouble. What he did to me was deliberate, mean, and manipulative. Not only would he not have given me the heads up if the situation was reversed, he would have went out of his way to make it worse for me. So why do I feel this? I did nothing wrong or unfair. And when push came to shove my L and I were willing to work things out with them so it wouldn't be as bad, but the judge wouldn't allow it.

Maybe it is fear, because when he is cut down he gets nasty and my habit has become trying to keep him boosted up to avoid the discomfort of his moods. Luckily today he just avoided eye contact and did not provoke. I was careful to come across light and subdued. Nothing that can be misconstrued as empowered and I didn't even let on that I knew what happened. I am going as gray rock as possible. Yesterday I let some frustration show with an unrelated issue and he attacked.

After months of him being super polite--but that was because I was "behaving" and playing by his rules. Yesterday I stood up for my self a tiny bit, and it set him off. I want to get to the point where he cannot effect me at all. No more guilt or fear or self-doubt. The love is definitely gone, but the unhealthy emotions can still be stirred in me. I just keep turning to God. Trusting that it is in his hands and not trying to control things. Because how can I feel guilty about something I left in God's hands? God is coming through for me, and I feel guilty about it. How can that be? I think a whole new can of worms has just opened up for me and my IC to discuss.

[mustardseed]

Can't tell if I had a backslide or if I just let H get into my head. The in laws were invited to watch the kids perform. It is the first time I had seen MIL and SIL since H went crazy. I was wondering how to handle it. I know he had been lying to them about me and I had no idea what they thought. I decided that I should act like myself. Not try to read the situation too much. I miss them and I wanted to say hello. To let them know I am doing ok and that I miss them and that I am excited to see them. I did that, had a lovely chat with his mom, and all went well.
His sister was a little cold, but polite.

After the performance we were all waiting for the kids in the lobby I came out first and they came out and was standing separate but near me. I wasn't sure what the polite thing to do would be. I have never been great with social nuances. If I leave does it look rude? Feels rude. If I stay where I was does it look like I am trying to make them uncomfortable. Since I was there first and they chose to stand in their spot I decided to stay, I chatted with my sister and some friends. Then OW came from out of nowhere--said hello to my MIL and flipped SILs hair. And I started shaking at that point. With these thoughts going through my head--she already knows his family? This is my kids' big night shouldn't she have not injected herself in the family situation? and once again PROOF that he is a big fat liar about their R (like it even matters anymore) but all of these thoughts came flooding in.

OW saw me, looked at me than disappeared. At that point I decided it is probably best if we find a different place to stand. When D came out she met up with us and asked me to help find MIL and SIL. I brought her up toward them and ran into H. I asked him where they were because D wanted to say hi. His reply "I'll take her. You don't need to make a scene." WHAT??? They were standing nearby so I just directed D to where they were. Whispered "your GF is the one who tried to make a scene" and then went back to where I was standing.

I sister was with me and I told her what he said. She couldn't believe it and said I didn't do anything inappropriate (except my comment to him was unnecessary--but no one heard).

Whatever it is that happened last night was not exactly how I had hoped it would go. I think part of me wants them to know the truth. Desperately wants them to support me and like me and believe me. But I know that is never going to happen and will only bring me back in where I am so happy to be finally out of.

My friend told me that the goal was probably to make me look crazy in front of my inlaws. OW (who was nowhere to be seen all night until that moment) was trying to get me going. And she did. And I shouldn't have reacted at all. But I did. Although it was a subtle and fleeting reaction. I look of disgust at her and a snide comment to H. The focus was on the kids the rest of the night except for those brief exchanges. Yet this morning it is those brief exchanges that has me doubting myself.

I probably gave enough of a reaction for him to twist it into something to take the blame off of OW and support his lies about me. I guess the big thing right now is that I have to stop caring what they think of me. That is a hard thing for me to accept. But there is nothing I can do about it. So I guess casual aquaintances from here on in? OW is in and I am out? I have to find a way to not let this consume me today. It is one thing to have her a part of the school life, it is another to know she is in the family life. Of course, he is not supposed to be bringing her around the kids (outside of her professional responsibility to them) so if she as been with his family it has been without the kids present.

LET IT GO MS.... Every time I think I have something makes me start eyeing the bait again.