I felt the need to write this update, mostly in the hope that it will benefit someone else down the road. I sit here heartbroken, my M is over, my W will likely move on with the OM.
Looking back, I struggled to control my emotions around my wife, and I found myself filled with anger, disgust, and sadness..our arguments never went anywhere, as we both continued to hurt each other.
I knew the DB rules/guidlines, and tried to follow them, but often gave in when my W accused me of not checking in, or leaving "to party" when in fact i was just detaching as part of GAL.
My W claimed I wasn't fighting for her. Not in the way she wanted. But how the hell was i supposed to fight when i kept discovering more about her A, and deep it had become. I spiraled...drank a lot for a while, but quickly regained control. Began working out, and getting in good shape..all this time my W claimed she was done with her affair, but showed no remorse, and wasn't willing to take any steps to rebuild trust.
I hurt so badly, and wanted to connect with my W. However, after finding out she was still lying about her involvement with OM, and based on the Sandi2's article I moved her stuff into our spare bedroom. From here we never recovered.
Living through an affair has been the darkest part of my life. It has made me question every aspect of my relationship, as well as myself as a person.
My advice for those that are new to this forum: You have to stay calm, walk away from the fights.
Find one friend that you can really trust, and use them for support. Trust me, walking out of the house and calling this friend when things get bad will be key.
Exercise, and avoid drinking (especially if your W is around)
Don't focus on the OM. Its hard, but resist the temptation to do so.
What I question: In my case, my W has said, "through all of this i didn't feel like you fought for me" This goes against detaching, and many of the DB principles. However, I can't help but wondering, should I have gone "all in"? Who knows.
If anyone who reads this needs someone to speak with I want to help. Knowing how devastating a marriage crisis can be, I would hate for anyone to go through it alone.
"you didn't fight for me". How self-serving and putting it on you. I don't buy it. I have heard that before though from a WW. Is it just spew? I don't know, but you worked hard and did your best. That's worth a lot.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Didn't fight hard enough? Really? Let me tell you something...
I fought for my W. Thrice. All in, each and every time:
1. OM before marriage--chased the bastard away 2. Unplanned pregnancy--"manned up" overnight and put a ring on it 3. She up-n-left because she was unhappy--DB through her sleeping around
Result? She hates me for ruining her life and says if I'm hurt that it's my problem because I should've let her fall. I'm not trying to compare here, just pointing out that in some situations you will lose no matter what you do.
Me:31 W:31 D:6 T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009 W unhappy: 6/14 W moves to parents: 10/14 W wants D (angry): 12/14 W okay w/ S: 2/15 W wants D (calm): 2/15 W gets new job/place: 3/15 W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
achi, You did try and that's all that matters. Some of the behaviors you mentioned (controlling emotions, drinking), I did the same thing. Wife, she said I needed to give her space. I did, I detached best I could, but after about 6 months since BD we're S and OM#3 is living with her.
So, I'm just writing to say as eclipse has said that you never know. But as I said opening at least you tried. Better days will come.
Me:30 W:34 M:8 T:9 D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1 D bomb: 8/2014 S 12/2014 PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
achi, I have to agree with the others, the comment of "you didn't try hard enough" does tend to be their card up their sleeve. You did try, just like the rest of us. While I didn't get the "you didn't try hard enough", what I did get was in the middle of the divorce I instigated after 2.5 years of her living with her affair partner, was her saying "I was hoping we might have worked on our marriage some time down the track". How the heck does she come out with that, especially when we hadn't spoken, seen each other or texted for at least 6 months. Hold your head up high, you did what you felt was the best possible. You tried. That is all that matters.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
These sayings both mean squat. I believe they are protective phrases used to hide the fact that they themselves were unable to put the effort and work in to it.
Don't get me wrong, efforts were likely put forth but throwing in the towel and moving on with something or someone new doesn't seem to be the go-to response for many LBSs on here.
Trying "hard enough" and trying "now that this..." should be appreciated if the excuse is LBS didn't try. Give people a chance and you will be surprised by what they can accomplish - when they truly mean to do so.
BD is usually a moment of clarity for LBSs and for many of us the starting point of making the changes or putting in the effort that is requested of us.
Maybe I'm feeling a little jilted but to say "you didn't ____ early enough" just feels like an excuse to cut and run right at the moment that doing ____ is about to take place.
I believe guilt drives the idea to use these phrases.