Love you, Mona! I believe I can refer to H as excrement in French without having to look it up. Merde. Petit Merde. Merde Enorme!
I love the flashcard idea! I need to occupy my brain with lots of new things...or it'll keep looping the traumas. I even bought an adult coloring book to help slow it down.
My car is being repaired, I've gotten a call for a job interview in my new field, and I'm getting so good at keeping my cool. Some things are really looking up.
And...huge surprise. I just discovered H came to bail me out of jail, but arrived after I'd posted it myself. Had I walked out and seen him, I might have turned around and gone back, but the fact that he drove to the jail to get me out? Surprising and unexpected, and somehow touching...
I am sorry to hear that there was more negative experiences associated with the night from hell. Your husband has a lot to answer for. I feel angry for you. Be well
I cannot believe what I just read! Please heed mustard seed and V advice. Like Mona said, GAL, look great! Exercise and take care of yourself. If your H was coming to bail you out, it was to appease his guilt not to help you. Or to look good in the eyes of his kids. HOW is he going to face his kids!!! I think mustard seed is right, these are the actions of a scared animal.
I see shades on my H in how your H is behaving. They will go to any lengths to get what they want. NOTHING gets in their way. The feeling of loss of control or loss of respect is unbearable to them. They will do whatever they think they have to do, to whomever, to get it back. Be VERY careful.
Please promise you will start doing some small GALing, it really helps. You have a lot of wonderful people here, who have been in similar stitches, giving you great advice. Take care of yourself first.
Ancaire - I am so angry for you that you have had to endure so much pain these last few weeks. I agree with gr8, your H was just trying to appease his guilt. Please be careful and get out of there as soon as you can. We are all here rooting for you.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I know I am gonna get smacked, but I think there are many reasons why he came down and not all of them are sinister. I am not saying she should read anything into it and pin hopes and raise expectations. I am just saying it is hard because it is not black and white, and Ancaire, from your posts I can tell your feelings about everything are far from black and white as well.
What he did was humiliating and horrid, so of course people here will react supportive by helping you get out of your bad situation. We LOVE them for that! and all the legal advice and ways to protect yourself you should just follow blindly. They got you covered legally if you listen.
But maybe let's slow down on any rash M plans. (OK people, grab your 2x4's, just not the face ). He had you sent to jail. On purpose. Because of money. What a jerk move. Does that mean you have to dump him? Seriously, if that is crossing your lines, do it, kick him to the curb. However, if what he did hurt, but you think you can work through it, be honest with your feelings and we can help. Even though we think he should be booted, we don't have to live with the decisions you make now, you do.
To make people hate me even more, I just have to say... I dont think him sending me to jail is a deal breaker for me. If there was a way I could send my H to jail, I think I might be tempted myself.
All I am saying is he was not always like this. It takes one to tango and you can rise above his craziness and look down on it and just shake your head. I feel fairly sure he lost all power to ever make you mental again. You are very positive in taking baby steps toward change.
I cant tell you how many people on this forum (my self included more then I care to admit) cant focus on themselves. You say "Focus on yourself" They say "Yeah, but she is having an A!", so you say "focus on yourself" and they say "With my best friend!" No matter how many times you say it, and how many ways you say it, they keep coming up with reasons why they CANT let go of WAS. You dont fall into that category. You have taken huge steps to focus on yourself.
The man you married is there. It is 100% your choice at this point to work for him or not. If you want to work for him, FOCUS ONLY ON YOURSELF. If you dont want him anymore, then I guess you will just have to FOCUS ONLY ON YOURSELF.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Mona, you are absolutely right, but only in DB world would we be having this conversation. It all goes back to what someone on this board said a couple of months ago that has stayed with me (sorry I can not remember who)- to not judge a person in crisis. Judy's H is in crisis right now. So, Mona, you are right, Judy has a valid option to stay out of his way, focus on herself, and choose not to engage or make any decisions until the point where her H is either out of crisis or until she just decides that she has had enough. The key, Judy, is to make sure you also are not in crisis, through self care and avoiding the crazy maker, stay out of his way until you are sure how you want to proceed. Anything can be forgiven if you choose that route, and D can always be filed at any time if that is the route you choose.
Just stay out of his way, protect yourself legally, morally, emotionally, physically, so the casualties don't keep piling up. The only thing worse than one spouse in crisis is two. You have already proven you are strong, but you are not indestructible.
I am really, truly disgusted by H' s behavior. He has hurt me in ways I could never have imagined. He drinks too much and his friends/goons are some of the worst people I've ever had the misfortune to meet. He says hateful things to me on a regular basis. He blames me for all his unhappiness. He actions are vindictive and cruel.
This is not the man I married. I deeply love that one, and believe he is still in my H, somewhere. I believe in M. My H is not dead, so legal status or not, I will still be married to H in my heart. I can't help H. I pray for him, and hope he finds his way home someday. I can forgive him, yes, for all of it. I am not a doormat, and have no intention of living with H under any circumstances just to save the marriage. I am a faithful wife who loves the man she married.
We are on separate paths for now. H, to go looking for his happiness. Me, to focus on myself, fully, for the first time in my life. There is much below the surface that needs healing. I will make sure I heal mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm going to become the best version of myself that I can. I need to do this for me, for my kids, and should the day ever come H makes it out of his tunnel, I am going to have to be strong for him...far stronger than I am right now. H has indicated, many times, he doesn't believe I can forgive him. I know I can, but I'm not in a good place right now to forgive properly.
I will be the anchor holding my family together. I will be the lighthouse for my H should the day ever come he realizes he needs help. I will do my best to savor each day and enjoy life to the fullest in the meantime. I need to be true to myself and my beliefs. Yes, I want to save my marriage. I don't want to lock and bolt the door to the way home. No, I won't take him back without significant remorse and sincere changes from him.
He is struggling, and it breaks my heart. I had a hand in getting him to this unhappy place, and I am completely remorseful for my part in it. He told me yesterday he doesn't believe I love him, just the life I have with him. That shattered my heart, because I can see how my part in this could have made him feel that way. Honestly, I wasn't too sure I really loved him until BD. What kind of wife was I?
I wasn't so bad I deserve the crap pouring down on me. But I wasn't the wife I should have been, either; I caused him pain, I made him feel unloved, and inadvertently helped unlock the ugliness that is currently residing in my H's body. I am so remorseful for that, and it is my remorse that helps me to forgive him. The day will eventually come when I hold no resentment at all.
Some of you will not understand, but I believe most of you will. I deeply love my H. I hope to one day R. Legal action doesn't really scare me anymore. H needs to see the light on his own. I have my own path, and safety will be found out of his life for now. It saddens me and breaks my heart that this is where we are, but I played a part in getting us here.
My game plan is to focus on me, pray for H, adore our children, and do my best to DB on the few occasions I will get. I believe in my H. I believe the day will arrive that he will regret his choices and be willing to make amends. I could use help, advice, and support in helping me stick to my plan. I would be easily persuaded to take him back too soon. I want a different, better marriage.
There is no doubt in my mind that WH was going to bail you out to regain control. It is classic behaviour, this is something when you are calm in a couple of months we can analyse until there is no more to get out of it. I did a course called the Freedom course, freedom from abuse, originally designed for the abuser. I may consider becoming a support worker at the Sanctuary.
Simply the reason that abusers visit the victim is control , it reabuses and eliminates fear in the abuser. A little like thieves revisit the treasure burial site to ensure the jewels are not discovered, or inset themselves into a police investigation.
It's absolutely imperitive you hold your own counsel, and keep STFU. In addition keep recording, it establishes a pattern of behaviour, upload the recordings to safe cloud space or email the MP3 to your L. You can also share these with a specialist abuse counsellor or a VSO.
I like the use of the grey rock technique towards WH, you will find this on my sitch, if I can I will link. I even went to the extent of disguising my weight loss with Dish towels wrapped around my middle. I put honey and caster oil in my hair and wore beige. Please heed me, keep your new strength to you. Realise that this truly is your road to freedom. The arrogant and proud always underestimate their opponent. In addition have you considered the truck may have been moved to a position that you might drive into it?
Truthfully it is your strength stay calm, stay safe and if you can detach. I do not recommend Ostentatious flamboyant GAL, coffee with a friend, weekend away with a relative. A fest of funny films to make you smile. DB is for you, irrespective of your R or WH. You DB for you, although some of the DB needs to be kept very low key.
In due course if you get WH to reveal his true colours in front of a court, this will only happen if you play this long con. There will be more revelations by WH, lies are like rats for every one you see there are 50 more.
In addition the more you let him have his steam, the more used to steaming he becomes and you or your L will be able to trigger WH at will. If you can get a report on the abuse from the police with your recordings, an OOP. This WH has little concern for you at this time, if you like to consider he is possessed and the demon inside is the one you are dealing with.
Now is the time to NC unless WH rants at you. Then record it.
Anc, this is what I did to be free. Breathe.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/30/1506:32 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Good luck Ancaire. You have a lot of supporters here. Have you tried talking to a minister/priest about counseling yet? I am sure you could benefit from it.
Wishing you the best!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I need counseling, badly. I'm unable to get to it. H says, "take a taxi" knowing full well I have no money left after posting bail. I hope L is able to work something out soon.
He just came by and upset me badly by packing "nice going out" clothes for the weekend in front of me, and then informing me he was going to spend the weekend working outside with his friend. An obvious lie meant to alert me to the fact he is already seeing someone else. Why? Why?
). He had you sent to jail. On purpose. Because of money. What a jerk move. Does that mean you have to dump him? Seriously, if that is crossing your lines, do it, kick him to the curb. However, if what he did hurt, but you think you can work through it, be honest with your feelings and we can help. Even though we think he should be booted, we don't have to live with the decisions you make now, you do.