After a couple of months in denial, I’m going to confess that I really want to still want to save my marriage. I know it’s a very, very long shot. I am looking for suggestion about some small thing I might change. My very small initial goal would be for him to initiate contact more often.
I do not pursue. In the couple of months right after BD I cried and pursued a lot. No more. I GAL a lot. I am preparing to sell our house. I entertain, go out with friends, go to church. I respond only to his communication about mail etc. Our conversations are friendly. He knows all of this yet he sent me a text asking me if I was dragging my feet on the divorce in hopes he would change his mind. In fact, he’s the one not moving it forward.
Was the text for OWs benefit? Was it temperature checking? Is he really done? IDK
I emailed him my settlement proposal almost a month ago. No response except to apologize for sending the text about how he no longer loves me and plans to marry OW. He apologizes a lot. I don’t respond.
In the last couple of months I have made a couple of attempts to “flirt” with no response at all.
My DB coach says to stay mostly dark and to think about what he would expect me to do and do the opposite. I believe he would expect me to take care of things, to nag him about moving his stuff, change his address etc. I haven’t done any of that except recently push him to change his address. Letting stuff slide is a big 180 for me but maybe he thinks I’m ok with his stuff being there because I want to hold on. I have asked him to move it a few time but have not nagged. Should I continue being very dark? Should I initiate some small contact to change things up a bit? I kind of like being dark because communicating with him gets me all in knots.
BACKGROUND There is a lot of background on my previous thread – Where do I go from here. I don’t know how to paste in this new thread. My H moved out, probably living with OW who has a serious illness, has clearly stated our marriage is over and he plans to marry OW. He filed for divorce and said he wants it to go quickly, however he hasn’t made any attempts to settle. H suffers from depression and has been through a lot of emotional and physical trauma recently. And he’s a terrible procrastinator.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
That sounds pretty rough. Sorry to hear things are difficult for you but it sounds like you're doing pretty good all things considered. I'm in a similar spot right now re: spouse moved out, says she intends D but no papers so far.
It sounds like you've initiated contact a few times in the recent past and he hasn't responded. How would initiating contact NOT be pursuing him?
tl2 Good point. I always ask myself if I am contacting because I really need something or is it an excuse to talk to him. Mostly it's an excuse.
The thing is my DB coach asks what I would do differently if we were D and/or H was truly out of the picture. If that were the case I would insist he get his stuff out of my house and his name off my bank account.
There are some things that really need to be taken care of, like bank accounts, but I don't push because I'm trying not to contact him or nag him. Sometimes I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Becky, can you start a new bank account on your own, so you don't need to contact him? Maybe transfer what is yours into the new account and just "forget" the old one? And then go as NC as you possibly can?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've decided for myself that contacting my W when she doesn't want to be and there is no legitimate reason to is disrespectful because she has set a reasonable (if hurtful) boundary...but one of my biggest 'sins' in our marriage has always been to place my wants and needs above everything else.
If I do that then I am not only driving another nail into my marriage's coffin I am also reinforcing a habit of immaturity, no impulse control.
I can see now that that is definitely not an attractive quality for a man to exhibit. Makes me a little ashamed that at 48 I'm really just now getting there.
I already have a separate account but need the other one a bit longer. I'm not worried about him taking money. It's the principle. He's the one that wants out yet he won't do the work.
I don't contact him at all anymore. I guess I'll just keep that path until something changes.
I just feel like I should be able to come up with some 180, maybe in the way I respond.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
I've decided for myself that contacting my W when she doesn't want to be and there is no legitimate reason to is disrespectful because she has set a reasonable (if hurtful) boundary...but one of my biggest 'sins' in our marriage has always been to place my wants and needs above everything else.
If I do that then I am not only driving another nail into my marriage's coffin I am also reinforcing a habit of immaturity, no impulse control.
I can see now that that is definitely not an attractive quality for a man to exhibit. Makes me a little ashamed that at 48 I'm really just now getting there.
Don't feel too ashamed, tl2. I am 45 and now just getting some of the same things. 6 months after the BD and I finally realize some of the things!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I hear you. I wish I knew if H was surprised I'm not pursuing, or relieved. No use trying to mind read.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
