Today I am figuring out my health insurance. I want to throw up. Or cry. I don't want to deal with these things. I want what I thought I had. I want what I sacrificed for.
I had a dream last night about Mr. Fantastic. Something about ordering food in the Turkish language or something -- I can't remember the details. But as with many of my dreams, there was a definite punchline or message that I remember very, very clearly, and it was that I haven't finished letting go of him or my marriage and I need to do that now. (Talk about stating the obvious...)
I know this is true but I am so struggling. I don't know why I still have held on to the extent that I have but it's time to finish letting go.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Letting go isn't easy, especially when it entails facing all the difficulties of single parenthood alone.
"Let go or be dragged" was the motto that helped me.
Also - focus on a goal that's separate from all this (I learned to play the drums when my ex left, great therapy). Make a big collage vision board of the things you want to attract into your future life, and put it where you will see it every day. Read books on frugality to help you feel more in control of your finances (I loved the Tightwad Gazette books).
Flirt with other men (even if you have no intention of dating yet - just smile at cute men that you pass on the street.)
I know it's all scary, MB. You can do this. You can do hard things, and we are all right here, cheering you on, so impressed with your strength and resilience and compassion and generosity. You have inspired me so many times.
And as much as I don't want to be married to my stbx anymore, I don't want to do this alone. (And I only have one kid!) It's freaking hard. You are such a rockstar and we have lots of virtual hugs for you.
Know that you are loved, and loveable, and awesome.
I am so profoundly tired that it's good I'm unemployed. I've been sleeping till 6:30 (and would sleep later if I could), which is strange for me, and I could nap mid-day if I didn't feel guilty for it. I wonder if I'll ever feel rested again.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm sorry, I've been meaning to weigh in for a few days now.
First of all, just so you don't feel alone. Let me tell you that I frequently fantasize about taking a week off from work and just curling up in bed the whole time. It sounds absolutely blissful to me as I am weary to my bones.
Don't feel guilty about taking the nap if you need it.
My dear - you do sounds depressed, which would certainly be completely normal under the circumstances. How is the weather there right now? Try to get outside and catch some sunlight if you can.
And regarding your earlier posts about the need to truly let go of the marriage......well that's a fine line to walk for those of us who have children, because the WAS's life will continue to intersect with ours both physically and emotionally where the kids are concerned. We can't ever really let go because of that, and the process of redefining our roles is truly painful and confusing.
MB- Have you ever thought about going back to school to finish your Masters? I remember you saying that goal was interrupted during the marriage. I ask, because I'm in the process of doing the same - and I have to say - I was somewhat pleasantly surprised by the amount of reasonable aid that was available to me (filing as Head of Household really impacts that financial aid). Yes - you would have to take on additional debt - but depending on the field you are in - it might be worth it and I would love to see you invest in yourself.
I'm thinking about you. I know you're in a tough spot right now. I truly do. But I've been reading your posts for over a year now , and I also know you are a capable and talented lady who has good things ahead of her.
I finished my masters years ago. I didn't go on for the PhD because of kids (that field wasn't family friendly). I'm struggling to motivate myself to do much of anything. I've gotten a ton done on the house because I need to keep going and I know there is going to come a day when everything comes together again and I'll be full speed ahead. And it will feel good to have it all in order. It will feel restful. I am working on figuring out a couple of classes I need to renew a certification for my job search.
In the meantime, I've filed for unemployment. My former boss is contesting my assertion that I was dismissed, so I have a phone appointment scheduled for Monday morning. Once again I have to put up a fight for my rights and I'm SO SICK OF IT. Part of me wants to just let it go, part of me is indignant at the idea that I could let her get away with treating me like that. I have the possibility of evidence that I was dismissed but I hesitate to ask for it, since providing it to me could potentially injure the friend who received it. I don't want to cause others pain.
When does it get easier? I am not unhappy, but I am injured and sad and I just want things to get smoother.
Also, Mr. Cr@ptastic (thanks, Claire!) wants to be all friendly and tries to hang out when he drops off the kids, making small talk. He looks at me every time he leaves and says "I'll talk to you soon" and I just DON"T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM. I can't talk to him without reopening the pain of knowing I tried so hard and everything went down the tubes anyway. I just want space to heal.
How long does it take to heal from all this? How long do I have to suffer all the worry and sadness that's in my chest and the anxiety of trying to figure out how to care for my kids while doing all this? When will it become normal and OK? I didn't expect to be so sad and to feel all this failure so strongly. I'm so tired...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
In the meantime, I've filed for unemployment. My former boss is contesting my assertion that I was dismissed, so I have a phone appointment scheduled for Monday morning. Once again I have to put up a fight for my rights and I'm SO SICK OF IT. Part of me wants to just let it go, part of me is indignant at the idea that I could let her get away with treating me like that. I have the possibility of evidence that I was dismissed but I hesitate to ask for it, since providing it to me could potentially injure the friend who received it. I don't want to cause others pain.
Let me offer you some reassurance on this one. I have represented the employers side for various companies in different states through the years and the cases have always gone in favor of the ex-employee, even when we had every "T" crossed and every "I" dotted. If she's been through this before (and I would guess she has based on your description) she's probably going through the motions (a lot of times people don't show up for the hearings etc). Don't assume the burden of proof is on you. It's usually on the employer and she can't produce a resignation letter. If it comes down to "she said, she said" - I'd guess it would go your way.
Sorry for the mixup on the degrees- I remembered something about an education interrupted, but got the specifics confused. It's on my brain now, because I've been taking some courses in preparation for my master's program and have found it pleasant to exercise some of those unflexed portions of the brain - and thought you might as well.
Chin up, Maybell. It will get better. And I bet once you get better employment and feel more settled - Mr. Cr@ptastic won't get under your skin as much.
I am feeling better. Though it may only be the St. John's Wort. Today would have Benn my 18th wedding anniversary. Mr. Cr@ptastic didn't acknowledge it last year or this year. What a guy.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
, and I also know you are a capable and talented lady who has good things ahead of her.