Rough night of sleep and feeling down this morning. So strange that I know things are coming but the reality of them hit so hard. I had some dreams of w moving out and having talks with me about everything. Crazy that my mind can make such harsh words come out of her mouth.
Trying to wrap my head around more that she is done. I think I have been telling myself that I will do all of the right things that she will have a change of heart. I know I was doing everything for the wrong reason. I now need to drop the rope and kick it away.
I think back to the early months of this and am so angry at myself for trying to be super husband and fix everything. I have her so much and was just used. I also need to do something about seeing all of our pictures in the house together, it just pushes memories back into my brain and makes me feel how can this be real.
On to myself, I have been keeping up with gym, involved in rugby again, done lots of activities with kids, golf, but I still feel I am not doing enough or I am missing something.
this was a post from this morning on my old thread. I will add one more copy as well.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Another question on something that drives me crazy. Her phone constantly going off from text messages. Should tell her she needs to silence this or rather ask her. It actually does awful things for my pma. I'm sure I should just ignore but very hard wondering
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Still havent seen or heard anything from her regarding the details of separation agreement. I had an appointment with IC yesterday. She is concerned that my W is emaotionally abusing the children. After i filled her in on what they have been saying and how they reacted when i was going to leave town, she stated "that is not normal or good". So now i have to do some more reading and questioning of my children to see if they will open up anymore. I do know as soon as i came home last night it was kids crying becuase Mom yelled at them for not getting along and D was extremely upset as she feels she is blamed for everything. She does have an issue listening at times but i also think W is harder on her. When W left the house this morning D started dancing and then looked at me and laughed. I told her she better be nice and respect her mother and she just giggled and said I know.
W asked if i would be home tonight because she is going to go hang out with a girlfriend, i tld her not sure, i may have plans also. ASked her to check with babysitters, or give me numbers and i will. She just kind of stormed off saying she would do it. AS of right now none are available. Not sure how to play this. I actually dont mind being with kids tonight, but tired of giving in on these things. i also know that i can not be home as she is getting ready because i know she will be dressing like she is on the prowl.
Just like advice I was given on here about bringing up the separation stuff to wife and asking for her part, my IC says i need to ask her for it. I know this will show her something she is not expecting and it will put me in the driver seat. It is very difficult for me to do this. In the back of my head i ma thinking she is having second thoughts. I know it is most likely not true.
I need someone to force me to do this.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I took all our pictures together down and put them in the closet in his office. I feel much better now that I don't have to look at them and be reminded of broken promises.
Ask her for her stuff. You need to get it done. She might be shaken at the reality or not. Doesn't matter. Kiddos first.
thank you Judy. I never realized or thought i was scared of her. I realize i ma scared of the power she is holding over me right now. I need to swing this pendulum back to my side.
thank you!
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
On the kids: try to get in some one-on-one play time rather than start probing. When they feel strongly connected to you and can relax, they will open up. Then just listen, validate, show empathy, etc. No advice at all until you are absolutely sure that they have gotten out everything they have to say. Open ended questions are OK. Using paraphrasing to check if you understand (they'll confirm or correct you) is good. Otherwise, good eye contact. No judgment of anyone involved, and present for them. You can analyze your thoughts and reactions afterwards.
Good luck, and I hope it is just a temporary stress-related thing.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
You mentioned before you went into super husband mode and thought if you did everything right she would have a change of heart. That's a very 'nice guy' type mentality. NMMNG would be a good book to read if you havent. It's something I had huge issues with. Covert contracts were another dynamic that I think plagues us nice guys and something maybe to look into. Generally were codependent also do understanding why is another helpful thing to do.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
So just made a big move and not sure how I am feeling.
She went out last night as did I for the first time in a while. She constantly tried to find out when I would be home so she could let the babysitter know. I dodged the question a few times and finally told her to just let her know when you would be home and if I get there earlier then great. I made sure to get home after her! She did not seem happy.
So I take kids out with me today and just stay busy. Came home and talking to kids about dinner. Went to ask W and she said that she may not be home. She is going to go to the girls house she went out with last night. At first I was just going to walk away and say ok but for some reason my courage built up and I calmly turned to her and asked if she had any paperwork done regarding separation for me. She said she was working on it. I said ok well I think it needs to get done. I then informed her about the bank account that I fund that she has access to and I am only putting a certain amount in and it needs to be for kids and groceries. I told her she needs to stop spending on herself out of it. She said she doesn't so I gave her a few examples. I told her that she doesn't want me to be her husband it is not my responsibility to support her. She said well I take care of your kids. I wanted to say not even close to the amount of time you should but I just said that I pay all the bills and put food in the house. That is all I will do. I then found a way to tell her about the kids not being happy with her actions. She tried denying it. I told her take it how you want but there are problems.
She then asked what I wanted to do about the house. I told her my plan is to try and find a way to keep it for the kids stability. I told her they are the most important thing. That is why I am doing everything with them because there will be times I don't see them as much. I then told her you seem happy and the only thing holding her back is not finishing this. I told her it is what it is I tried for a long time and it didn't work. I am going to move on, I will be successful, I will do great in life.
She looked stunned to me but just kept saying ok. I am a mess inside right now but I stood strong and was polite. I feel like I gained some power back in my life even though it is hurting me.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Remember, it is not a game. If you don't feel like something, don't make statements and moves you aren't sure you can keep up. It's better not to declare something and stick to your decision than it is to declare it, regret it and back track.
It feels like from the way you wrote this that you are still play acting to manipulate her. That won't work. It is just a flip side of trying to show her you are a good enough H. It has to be that you are ready to move ahead. Really ready. You'll know when that is. In the meantime do GAL activities certainly. But just do them. Try not to make a big deal about them. When you can get comfortable with doing them without thinking about how you will present it to her or use it to provoke a reaction in her that you will be ready to detach more fully and you may see some eventual movement from her.
I know it's confusing. I went through the same phase. It took about a month before I was able to drop the game aspect of things and truly drop the rope of trying to manipulate my W into changing.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
