Quote: Life has cycles. That 7 year itch.That how long it takes for the body to replace all the cells it has.
Lucky, so I really AM NOT the same person I was 7 years ago, am I? People say I've changed and now I know why. LOL This is perfect answer! Just think who I'll be in another 7 years! Mind boggling, isn't it?
On an entirely different note, I took my 71 year old mother to see Fleetwood Mac last night and she really enjoyed the concert. I can only hope to be that hip when I am 71. Just think, every cell in her body has replaced itself ten times by now. (Lucky, you've started a bad thing here with that seemingly harmless remark-I can quit thinking about cell replacement)
On the topic of sexuality, I did the girly girl thing when we first got married. It often went unnoticed in favor of the game of the week. It didn't matter if it was NFL, NBA, MLB, or sometimes, it was even the pro bowlers. I often felt frustrated that our relationship was not more of a priority with him. I finally took the attitude that if I couldn't beat him, I would join him. I learned everything there was to know about football, memorized all the teams and the key players, learned the referee hand signals, and then proceeded to the other sports. Things were great for a while but then, I think he began to view me as a "buddy" instead of a woman.
I still struggle with that one. We're supposed to be best friends, aren't we? About the time I became his good friend was about the time he lost what little interest he had. Are we still supposed to maintain that little aura of mystery once we are married? My therapsit maintains that most men want a woman that they can belch and fart in front of and be at ease with but sometimes I wonder.
Some of the damage that I deal with from my x was that I tried to adapt and be what he wanted but it never seemed to be enough. He was never satisfied once he got it. I can apply this to other areas of his life as well. He always wanted newer and bigger cars but no sooner did he get it that he was on to something else. I am the type that can drive something until it falls apart and be happy with it as long as the heater works. I never have been much into things.
Remember that Ricky Nelson song "Garden party?" I always think of the words-"you can't please everyone so you got to please yourself." The good part about all this divorce crud is that after years of trying to be someone else, I finally get to be myself. Oh what a relief it is...
It makes me feel so much better knowing you will sleep with us if we won't let anyone else. lol
That is not a problem I am having, I have plenty of guys that would sleep with me. lol The problem is "fear". Fear I will get hurt again. When you give so much to someone and its (I guess) not enough..........its kinda scary.
I don't know, I probably just haven't met that right guy yet!
Hey, what's with that nice weather, your not allowed. Only in Florida. It's been raining here alot lately, it's done havoc to my tan. I'm not jealous yet Lucky, 60's is way to cold for me, I love the 80 degree weather the best.
Quote: That how long it takes for the body to replace all the cells it has.Except for the ones I burnt out in Hs.Those can't come back.
Brain cells don't regenerate themselves either if I remember my biology correctly heee heee
Dulcie, you're on target about being yourself. I somehow think a lot of us go through learning how to fit some pre-conceived notions about a role we're given in our lives. A wife = Donna Reed, a mom = the Beav's mother, etc.
In my younger years, I was pretty rebellious. Then I "wisened" up and got with the "program." I had to be a "good" mom and wife. Learned to be "responsible."
Now... I'm good, but in a newer way I think. I haven't tossed aside anything I've learned or really was before, but decided to rethink those roles and those hats I wear.
And it may sound mighty selfish, but if you don't please yourself... you ain't gonna please anyone.
I have been thinking about this and want to tell my story on this. When my wife announced that she wanted a divorce I knew this was wrong. I emersed myself in trying to save the marriage. I read book after book and consulted with the top experts (including Arnold at DB). I learned that getting a divorce truly was not normal, and that's why the Bible says not to do it without adultery. I saw that the Bible and the true science lined up perfectly. Armed with this information I contested the granting of the divorce. I forced her to go to trial. I was reasonable and settled on all of the issues except whether there would be a divorce. When the divorce was granted I filed a notice of appeal on the grounds that if the court believed everything she said and didn't believe anything I said (appellate grounds) that no reasonable judge could find the marriage irretrievably broken. Every time I met with court personnel I politely reminded them how they needed to start trying to save marriages. I was always in control at court or meeting with court personnel but never compromised on giving a divorce. I felt like I stood up for God's marriage arrangement to a thoroughly corrupt system. I was determined to keep trying to save the marriage until there were scriptural grounds for divorce. Recently I found out there are grounds for divorce. Here's the deal. I am very proud of the fact that I stood up to the divorce machine. I was too concerned about how the system destroys families to worry about being "left" or "rejected". In my case this worked. I can have another relationship and trust again because I know what to look and spot a walkaway. I learned "it was about her" before I really had time to think about it. I think some day a lot of people may start to stand up for their marriages in court. Then the system would then have to listen. In short, I recommend standing up to the divorce machine. I didn't save my marriage but I sure saved myself.
I thought that I posted this, but I didn't click on the "continue" so here it is again. Blair, I enjoyed reading your post. How do you spot or detect a walk-away??
Would like to hear from more survivers out there. I continue to re-read this thread to reinforce. I am now in the total crying/breakdown phase and am experiencing the first real anger at my X for running away from his problems and breaking up this family. MaryC2 is there some way that I can communicate with you directly? Lily
Lily, it's hard for those of us who face their problems head on to understand the actions of people who run from them. My ex said to me once that I just "didn't get it." He is right, I don't and never will. When someone acts in ways that is counter-productive for, not only them, but the people who love them it does cause us anger. I remember being so angry and hurt over the idea that he would rather throw us away that work on the problems.
I don't know what to tell you other than, in time it lessens and you do adjust to the fact that not everyone shares the same emotional fortitude that you do. You have to be willing to give it time and to keep identifying your emotions. Please don't let how he has chosen to deal with it reflect on the value of yourself and the family he had. I always tell people to be angry but exert self-control when it comes to expressing the anger. I'm sorry you are hurting but glad you are finding this thread helpful.
I'm sure Mary will come along to offer whatever support you feel you need from her. I can be reached at tolemakr@comcast.net if you feel you need someone before you are able to get in touch with her. Cathy~
I am grateful for this thread, I've cut and pasted a lot to a Word file so I can print it out.
I am in the early stages. It's only 10 days ago that my H was honest enough to say in words, what he's been saying behaviorally-- that it was over. For several months, we were doing MC... but it was more and more clear that I was the only one trying.
We were together for 22 years, and while it was not an ideal marriage, when I made my vows, I meant them. I probably stayed more out of keeping my promises and commitments than anything else.
This year has been tough. Starting in March, it was clear something was amiss-- I suspected depression, MLC. His behavior became more and more distant, surly... but not all the time. By May, things were much worse, and I was spiralling downward emotionally. In early June, I found this board, and DR.... and while it was way too late for my M, it did help me lift myself by the bootstraps and start to cope. June 18, was the night that it finally was laid out clearly. The first few days I did not know how to even get from hour to hour.
His plan was to simply live here, and pretend that this is a mutual decision. He has no real reason to cite for wanting out-- he said he just doesn't miss me when we are apart. I started to take charge a little-- told him that if this is what he wants, he must take the responsibility and ownership to file the papers. Told him it's not what I want, but I realize I cannot fight it legally or practically. I also said he can't live here with me. I don't want to rush him, but I won't accept someone who doesn't love me and want to be with me, living with me.
It's now only about 10 days later. I have started a PT job, mostly for something to fill my time and keep me busy. It's physically challenging, which I think will build my confidence. I have accepted that this is happening. I am scared, and unsure how to proceed with rebuilding a life as a 45 years old "used wife". I have confidence that I will eventually be OK, but I am not sure how long it will take or how I will manage that. I have returned to church, for the first time in many many years. I pray several times every day, and count on God to help me get through this.
We have filled out all the D papers in draft, and agree on the settlement (thankfully! I don't want anything from him, but I do need to protect my own resources, and he is not trying to take my savings, things.) I will be consulting a lawyer, as a precaution, but it appears it will be amicable.
He found an apartment, and will move on/about 7/7. My mother arrives, for emotional support, on Tuesday. He was going to try to be gone when she arrrived, but I told him momma and I can share a room, so he did not have to sign a lease on a dump just for needing something immediately.
I fear I'll freak out again when he actually leaves. I have agreed to give him a sofa, LR furntiture, bed, dresser, DR table, dishes, cookware, linens etc to furnish his apartment. Some of it is on loan-- but I won't count on getting it back.
I said I want the right to live in our house for up to 9 mos before we sell it-- I don't want to rush into a decision, or have to move twice. He agreed, though he wants to cash out. So I advanced him some $$ against future proceeds of the house.
I feel a little like it's unreal, but I am feeling so much stronger, and more capable than I did just a week ago. Is this normal, or will I crash again?
I am so scared. We have only lived here for a couple years-- we moved here temporarily to finish this house, and sell for profit. I don't have a very good support system here. (and I am quite isolated geographically-- I am in Hawaii) I worry about what happens if I get a flat tire, what if I need a ride to the airport for a trip. What if someone is breaking in the house in the middle of the night?
Is this what you all felt?
I am trying to just get from one day to the next, but the idea of "next month" scares me, and I have NO idea what I will do when it's time to sell this house. I am sort of thinking just get through the first 3 months, then hopefully after surviving that for a abit, I can manage some longer term planning?
I'm sorry this is so long. I'm grateful for this thread, and for any insight from any of you who are futhrer along than I am. I AM encouraged that I went from a raw emotional mess, to someone who can function OK for at least periods of time now. It seems like remarkable progress for 7-10 days.... I'm thinking that the rest of the progress might come much slower.
Beth
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
Once a little time passes, you start to notice that there is a cycle to the misery. You have a few bad days or a few bad weeks, but then they always end. It helps me a lot when I'm miserable and hopeless to remember that this is a temporary feeling, not a permanent one. Also, it's also good to remember that feelings are not fact. We all tend to tell our story as if it's this objective drama, but a lot of what makes it drama is how we tell and interpret our story. Just because your husband is being an A-hole does not necessarily mean you have to be miserable. You get to choose.
Don't know if this helps, but I think these attitude adjustments can make those miserable times less miserable.
