PP 2.0 - PigPen & The WAW (7)

[PigPen]

Last thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...917#Post2604917

Fresh start to the week and a fresh thread. Hard to believe it's my 7th thread and 9 months since BD. What a crazy, awful, amazing adventure it's been so far.

WAW wife and I are currently co-parenting our pup and beyond that are still in NC. Complete NC. She asked for a D a month ago but as of this morning has not pushed further on it. I will see her this week for the dog trade and will see if anything as progressed on that front. I will be fine either way. 9 months without her has changed my life infinitely more than the piece of paper from the state ever will.

GAL activities are ramping up, so much so that I'm having to plan downtime. GAL'ing is still hard as I'm currently in the place of thinking "this would be so much more fun with my W" or spending time with mutual friends of ours. I live in a small town so finding new communities to befriend that don't know us and our history is a challenge.

My DB plan is to use the brief interactions that we do have with our dog to be at my best. And to use the time in between to continue down the path to making myself the best man that I can. Married PP was not the PP of today. I can't go back and be the version I am now, so I'll continue to forge ahead. Detachment is still the ultimate challenge, as is getting through the day without thinking about her or missing her. I will be ok without her, I know this. But there's still a lump in my throat most days.

As of this morning I have a huge plan put in place for 2016 and have gotten to a place where if my W suddenly turned around and said she wants to work on our M, I would let her know that my 2016 is spoken for. She'd be welcome to join me for parts of it, but the plan isn't changing. My journey is now my own.

Thank you a thousand times over to everyone on this board. You have all pulled me out of some dark days and times, and just knowing I can come here to vent, vomit out emotions, and ask for guidance is often the very wind in my sails that I need.

Here's to a great week for everyone.

[PigPen]

Since I finished my last thread with this thought by Accuray, I'm adding it here again. It really spoke to me about where I am on the DB path.

"I've been around here for 5+ years now although I rarely come by anymore as my life is in a really good place and it's hard to bring myself back. In those 5 years here's what I've seen:

Pursuing never works -- ever.

As long as your W feels like you are ready to jump back into a relationship with her as soon as she says "go" she will never be interested in doing so.

Before she can even consider it, she has to believe that you have completely let her go, that you are "done" and are at most ambivalent about trying again.

Until she truly believes that, she will not reverse course.

I can't tell you exactly why that is, but a WAS who believes that you are pursuing them even the slightest bit never looks back. When they feel you are truly "gone", at least emotionally, they will feel a sense of loss and for the first time will have the space to miss you and to assess what has been lost.

GAL and "Act as If" are designed (in my opinion) to simulate that state of having moved on. Few people are able to do GAL and "Act as If" when they are in such a state of emotional turmoil, and even fewer are able to do it "the right way" where they are not also simultaneously pursuing their runaway partner.

Bill I think you have to start turning down the dimmer switch on the attention and support you give her and eventually go pretty much dark. Give her space to miss you, and to feel what life will be like without your warm glow. Be absent instead of being present.

You've established through this last phase how supportive and wonderful you can be, now take that away and let her miss it. I truly believe that's your best hope."

Acc

[DifRent]

Hey PP, glad to see you in such a good place mentally and emotionally. I've only been in NC since Saturday, but it's genuine, absolute NC for the first time since all this began. Yes, like you I have that pit, that emptiness, those constant thoughts of how much better everything would be with her - the REAL her - in it.

But I love what you shared up there about being truly "gone." From what you shared weeks ago, I suspect your W now has the space to miss you. There must be some kind of void. Whether it leads to R or not remains to be seen, right? It has to fit into the new PP's course of action. I'm in the same place, knowing this is the first time my WW has been really without me at all since we've been together. Until I told her I wanted no contact, she literally couldn't go 36 hours without a phone call, at least. So I imagine she's also feeling the void, but I can't know for sure, and it's not my business.

Patience.

What a tough, tough road this is. But yeah, the support here has been invaluable.

Hugs, PP!
Dif

[Rouky]

Thank you for this thought PP. I have been reading your thread (gosh I sound like a stalker:-)!), but doesn't have much to offer as I'm way far behind you in term if recovery but I'm glad to see that you are able to see your dog. Without mine I'll be devastated.

I'm pleased to hear that you have big plan for 2016.

[PigPen]

Hey PP, glad to see you in such a good place mentally and emotionally. I've only been in NC since Saturday, but it's genuine, absolute NC for the first time since all this began. Yes, like you I have that pit, that emptiness, those constant thoughts of how much better everything would be with her - the REAL her - in it.

But I love what you shared up there about being truly "gone." From what you shared weeks ago, I suspect your W now has the space to miss you. There must be some kind of void. Whether it leads to R or not remains to be seen, right? It has to fit into the new PP's course of action. I'm in the same place, knowing this is the first time my WW has been really without me at all since we've been together. Until I told her I wanted no contact, she literally couldn't go 36 hours without a phone call, at least. So I imagine she's also feeling the void, but I can't know for sure, and it's not my business.

Patience.

What a tough, tough road this is. But yeah, the support here has been invaluable.

Hugs, PP!
Dif

Hi Dif!

Thanks for stopping by. I've been peaking in on your sitch, seems like your W is now realizing what NC really means.

I agree about the road, truly the hardest one I've ever walked. All we can do is repeatedly put our best foot forward day after day after day.

Big hug,

PP

[PigPen]

Thank you for this thought PP. I have been reading your thread (gosh I sound like a stalker:-)!), but doesn't have much to offer as I'm way far behind you in term if recovery but I'm glad to see that you are able to see your dog. Without mine I'll be devastated.

I'm pleased to hear that you have big plan for 2016.

Thanks for stopping by Rouky, I haven't had a chance to read up on your sitch, but am glad you have your dog. It's amazing what a difference this past two weeks has been. I've gotten out more, gone to beach every day, gone for hikes and more. It's going to suck to have to pass him back this week...despite everyone I know saying "Just keep him!"

[PigPen]

Just got a TM from my wife. I had figured I'd hear about the progress of our D on Thurs when I dropped my dog off to her, but she let me know.

"I'll be in town tomorrow meeting with my lawyer, can I pick up Woofie from you then?"

I haven't responded but since it's a day early and I don't mind making the drive am thinking about the following:

"No thank you, I'd like to have him for the full two weeks and can drive him down to you on Thurs evening."

I want him for as long as I can get him so I think this works. But this is DB land so I'm open to any input if people think there's something amiss. I'm not going to mention her L visit but am also curious if once she's consulted or hired and L, if we can go to mediation to save money? Anyone know how that works?

Thanks,
PP

[PigPen]

Journaling:

Yesterday's text was another great reminder that my detachment lives on a sheet of thin ice and anything my W does that moves us closer to D cracks that ice!

I spent the whole evening and early this morning in a state of depression. Rationally I know her visit with the L means nothing. She's moved out, taken her rings off, and been using her maiden name for 9 months now. She's told me she wants a D, and never wavered from it. At least not to me. So what's changed by the L appointment? Nothing.

Still it set me back. I decided to journal myself this morning after a financial coach said to "find the success in your separation". I told her how I had separated all of the positive change - sobriety, job change, meditation, self esteem, relationship and communication knowledge, spiritual growth, and more - into two camps. In camp one was the awfulness of BD and the separation. In camp two lived all of the positives.

If I'm honest though, camp two never would have existed without BD and the separation. I don't have to give my W credit for all that I've done, but two say that it would have happened without her leaving is also a lie. The success in the separation then is all of the growth, all of the change, no matter how scary it is, and how much pain has been experienced throughout it.

Today I have to have faith in the bigger picture. In the fact that all of the above changed comes with me no matter how many meetings my W has with her L, how quickly we get divorced, and anything else that happens between us. Those changes come with me regardless.

The price may be the steepest I've ever experienced, but it happened anyway. Nothing will change BD. Nothing will stop her from leaving last Jan. Nothing. I can't go back an change any of that. But I can be grateful for the fact that my life is now my own.

Today is going to be a bit of a battle. Lots of deep breaths, and lots of faith.

PP

[Vanilla]

PP

It's in these days comes the greatest growth.

And look at it this way, you get to co-own Woofie unthinkable a couple of months ago. You spend more quality time with Woofie than when you lived together. And yes, the full two weeks is ok, I sense that.

I am still of the opinion (you guessed it) that you invite W to see you collect a pin.

V

Just to make you smile- auto text made opinion into onion.

[PigPen]

Thank you V, these are times of great growth. I agree.

My W has asked for my attorney's name and number while sitting with her own. I have only spoken to a mediator as we have no property or children and didn't think there would be much to get legal about.

Tomorrow when I drop Woofie off I imagine she'll fill me in on her appt. Is there a DB way of asking if she'll consider mediation as opposed to the legal route? Or is it best not to mention any aspect of it?

I'm all ears.

Thanks,
PP