Been a while since I've been on here. Mostly that's because I've been busy living life. Feels like things have reached a certain amount of momentum now. Here's a run down of the last couple of weeks:
1. Finished up my burlesque class with a performance in front of invited guests. It was so much fun and I intend to enrol again 2. Completed the Oxfam trailwalker - 100km in 31hrs - with a team of 4. That team had some issues but I used it as an exercise to practice detachment...not getting too caught up in the dynamic. We completed as a team of 4; only 40-50% of teams did 3. Won the workplace team stepping challenge with my other team of 7. I captained that team and received some lovely positive feedback from team members for how I inspired them 4. Just finished up a week in Canada, participating in a summer school there. It was nice to feel appreciated for my efforts 5. Presently en route to DC to visit friends, then back to Boston for work and more visiting with friends. I'll be spending time with mutual friends while here, as well as with MIL. Bound to be an emotional week catching up with people and visiting Hs home city where H and I once lived as a couple.
Speaking of which, H contacted me out of the blue just before I was about to head overseas. He wants to move ahead with the divorce and has asked me to consider whether I want him to file a sole application or if I want to file jointly. I asked for time to consider the options. I ended up sending an email thanking him for giving me time to think it through. I acknowledged divorce is probably inevitable at this point and said I didn't intend to stand in his way. I also said that I felt that there was a lot that had been left unsaid and that on my side I don't feel that we really even tried to get our M on track and that left me feeling unresolved. I also said that I felt I had done a lot of work to be a better partner and that I don't know if he has and that's why I'm not sure that we could make our M work again. There were other things in there - a few insights that I'd had and apologies for things I did and didn't do.
It was the first time I put it all in writing and I don't regret it. I don't feel that I have anything to lose at this point. We've had so little contact the last year that there's no way he can observe from my actions that our M could be different. Either I put it all on the table or I don't. I decided for my own sake these things needed to be said.
Anyway, I need to explore the options more but am leaning towards having him file. I need to unpack that and figure out why I feel that way still. At this rate I spend more time dreaming about coffee guy than I do thinking about H. I've determined that I am more sad at the idea that we couldn't make it work, than I am at the loss of H...who clearly has different values and expectations to me around marriage and partnership.
Hope everyone is well. Will try to get caught up soon.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Hi Gan. Great to hear from you and its sounds like you've been doing interesting stuff. You really do well on the intrepid globetrotter front.
I'm intrigued by the team dynamic issues on your trailwalk?
For one, I'm glad you sent that email. It feels like its something you've wanted to do for a while and hopefully it went without any expectation. He might realise his mistake one day but that's all on him.
Anyways glad your doing well
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress