Moving Through it 11

[HeavyD]

Still working on processing the haste in her wanting to move it along. W emails me last night about legal proceedings and what her lawyer is going to do next. I did not reply. That is between her lawyer and mine. I don't want to muddy the waters or reveal my hand.

Having to work out the anger issues from yesterday.

Breathing exercises, quiet reflection, more breathing execises, prayer, all of the above.

She keeps wanting to be friends, sending me photos, updates on kids, updates on the legal process.

I don't want to be her friend. She continues to lie to me. She continues to lie to our children.

How can I move past this??? Will the finality of the D make these feelings go away or will the feelings still be the same.

What is it I fear? Change? Being replaced? Lost family , most likely all of the above. Knowin that she has so happily moved on with her AP? I have already been living the "divorced" life or the past year, nothing will change except the tax filing status.

Ack. Must focus on work. The more I think about it, the more I realize that this was going to happen, it was just a matter of time.
I really had no part in this other than being a bit player. So how I play my part in this fiasco remains up to me. Go out dignified/silent or go out with amputation.

I already know the answer. Now how to achieve the objective is the goal.

Took dogs for a long walk last night. That felt good and it felt good to just walk and enjoy the impending Fall. I can feel it in the air.

[sgctxok]

Bump

[asitis]

Hang in there. The mixed messages are very confusing. I've learned the hard way to try to not get caught up in figuring it out, and just focus on who I want to be. I want to be a compassionate, caring person who is able to keep the R with the mother of my children healthy while she deals w/ her sh*t and I deal w/ mine.

You want to be included in your kids' lives, so encourage that pursuit a bit with some positive reinforcement. Thanks. Oh, so cute. That kind of thing. Consider doing some of the same back. It's your tie. Something you have that is always going to tie you together, and you want that part to work.

On the other legal, listen, validate, shrug, move on.

Easier said than done - I know that all too well. Still, focus on who you want to be rather than what your W is doing. Confident, caring, flexible but with boundaries, focused on the good of the kids, able to let go of grudges. Whatever combination of values you hold dear. Focus on being that, and respond accordingly - or not.

Now. Let's get back to what you're doing for you in the near future. Not with the kids. Just for you. The fun stuff, growth stuff, become more interesting because you are doing interesting things stuff. Yes, I'm redirecting your focus. I'm devious and subtle about it too.

[HeavyD]

Pick up Friday was the worst.

No school so we had to do it face to face. She met me at my work parking garage. By the time I get to the garage, kids are crying and sobbing about how they don't want to go. I try to say come on now, we're going to have a great time. This goes on for about 20 minutes. I have no idea why they were in such a state, either wife works them up or they just don't want to go with me. Finally after about 20 minutes, they relent and get into my car and they stop crying in about 5 minutes. Wife said to them "I will call you to make sure you are are all right later tonight" I go to dinner with friends with kids and miss her first text. The second text says "I am coming out to check on them if you don't reply to this". Wow. I have kids call her and again she wants to go on and on. If she had come over to the house, we would not have been there, but if we had, what to do?

She also tells them you can spend the night with me next week would you like to do that? Of course that is MY WEEK. I did not argue with her in front of the kids, but she never even asked me, just stated this is what is going to happen. This morning she texts, Are they staying with me tonight? I just replied "No, thanks for the offer though." and leave it at that.

This weekend was spend the night for S10, the cournty fair, a 4th grade play date at a park and a play date with 3 kids at the house AND homework session for 2 hours with them on Monday to prepare for the week.

Again, it's my week and there she was at school this morning. I walked the kids into school and their classroom to talk to teacher about homework and there she is.

Is all of this normal stuff that just gets easier with time or is this escalation? I do not take any bait and argue with her or ask her any questions. Today we actually said good morning.

I know this is not about ME or HER but about what is best for the kids and it is not about winning or losing for ME. But over and over and over it's incrosuion into my time.

Am I looking at this the wrong way? Am I doing something wrong? What else can I do to descalate this? Again, she got what she wanted, she is living the life she chose. What am I doing wrong here?

An interseting aside, I had bathed my daughter, gotten her ready for bed, read Mulan and was stroking her back. She said who is your best girl Mommy? I said you are! She asks and Momma too? And I said Yes. She then tells me that "you have to love yourself more than others, that's the most important thing Mommy". I swear to God. She is 6. I said "Why did you say that D6?" She replied matter of factly because it's true. So true and so profound.

[DifRent]

So sorry, Heavy. Wish I had an answer re: normal vs escalation. Your W really goes out of her way to make things painful for you. It seems like you're keeping your cool in the midst of it all. Maybe you could write her a letter, stating very clearly what your agreements are and that you expect her to adhere to them just like you do. Might help, might not... I just find that for me, when I put something in writing, it can't be twisted for something it isn't and I can't get riled up.

Hugs and prayers.

[asitis]

In a non-confrontational way, you might raise that there seem to be some coordination and communications issues lately, and you want to make sure you both are on the same page to avoid conflicts and confusion.

The kids are probably struggling with the transitions. Once that takes place, they settle down. Very common. There may be factors not related to either of you in their lives as well. A tough day at school, not enough sleep, missing a friend in the neighborhood of your W's place, and so on. Whatever you do, know that this isn't personal. They don't have the language or understanding to fully voice their struggles, and so they voice it in a way they do know. When you get a chance play one-on-one with them at their level (silly, child-like play). They'll be more likely to open up and allow you to help process their feelings.

On W's butting in, I'd say that you are worried about the kids being caught in the middle and doing what's best for them. Routine is best, as it gives them stability and boundaries. So, unless there is a special occasion, the person who doesn't have the kids that week doesn't ask or offer. It is up to the host parent to ask for help if needed. Also, the expectation to cut down on stress is that the children are OK unless informed otherwise. You respect her as a responsible mom, and you want the same in return.

As far as the school, let it drop for know, as I'm sure she's got some rationalization defense & will react poorly to a challenge. She'll either tire of contriving excuses to show up where you are expected or not. Deal with it if it continues as a pattern, but shrug this one off. There could be many reasons why she might be doing this. Control seems to be a big deal between the two of you, and I suspect she is not feeling all that much in control of her life right now. But, as I said, could be any number of things.

Hang in there, and hope things improve.

[HeavyD]

Good Grief

This chit just seems to never end you know? My only real wish at this point is that it gets better.

I really do think that my best best is to just STFU.

She sent me a text chiding me of "This is unacceptable behavior Heavy" makes me want to barf. The unacceptable behavior is non interaction with her. Again, she tries to bully me into accepting what she feels is unacceptable behavior. Oh, the irony abounds but again, I won't get into it, there is just no point.

But, this is bait and I won't nibble at it. She like to poke the bear (me) hoping for a response, which I don't give. I don't react or respond not out of spite but just to end the drama and escalation aspects.

Control, yes, Asitis, that does seem to be a major part of this situation. She wants to control me and expects me to jump to her commands. That part of my life is over. I did that to my detriment for many years. That is not love but unhealthy codependence on my part. I thought if I jumped high enough, she would love me. If I did her bidding she would not leave, I did so many things to try and please her, all in an attempt to be who she wanted. So, I lost my self respect, my ability to trust my emotions and what is best for me. I have been working hard to recognize that and change it every time I see it. I am not being mean about it just ignoring her.

I realize now this will be a life long process. Oh well, might as well go out fully aware.

Another thing I realized is that I have a lot more friends than I realized. People like me for me not because I was an extension of someone else. I am more social now than I have been in a long long time. I drove us out to the County Fair which was 50 miles away, planned the trip, packed the supplies and wrote down where we parked and just had a good time ....ALL BY MYSELF (and kids). That is a real accomplishment for me. It made me feel good to be able to be independent. It was still a little scary but I can do it.

[HeavyD]

Tonight was back to school night. I did not sit with w nor did I look at her. We went to two different classrooms as kids are in different grades. This is going to be very very hard. Once again I am so disappointed she has chosen to do this to our family. I honestly don't know how I can manage their school, after school and homework and work a full time job. I guess I will have to as there are millions of people who do it every day. It's just such a tragedy that people walk away from their families and kids. It really does break my heart.

[PigPen]

Big hug Heavy. Just take it one day at a time. Where you are today is not how where you will always be. Just for now.

And yea, now you're in a chitty spot.

But tomorrow's a new day.

PP

[EyeTie]

Heavy, best advice I can give (dealt with the same thing, both kids are now at the same school, 2nd grade and pre-K). Smile, act like nothing is wrong, talk to the teachers with or with out her, talk to other parents too (if you don't know them, introduce yourself). Be a super nice guy while she freaks out. And she will, she will be trying to put on a "big girl" face, while trying to figure out what you are doing, while trying to look like the dominant one. Don't be rude, but don't be overly cordial either. Don't bother introducing her to people, let her do it. If she starts in, just walk away. I do this to my WW all the time, it's kind of jerky, but in the end it get's the point across.