My Reader's Digest Version

[Wonka]

Thanks Sandi for the input! You could be right & I will reconsider that.

Just seems like my situation doesn't fit the models at all.

Care to elaborate on what you mean by not "fitting the models at all"?? What model did you have mind here? I mean....you are in the same DB pool as other DBers.

[Wonka]

And I am affirming Sandi's comment that you'd best hang out here at the Newcomers pool for a while longer. You're nowhere near piecing...nope, not by a long shot. There's much work to do ahead of you.

You're in DB kindergarten. You're learning the basic fundamentals of DBing. One step at a time. I'd suggest that you hang out here in the Newcomers section for AT LEAST 6 months.

Then re-evaluate. Some DBers stay in the Newcomers section for quite while before upping their sticks and moving into the Piecing forum. Some stick around in the Newcomers section for 1 to 2 years.

[lonelee]

Wow in 7 days you go from having a violent fight over a cigarrete to piecing your marriage?

Do you just want to push your agenda onto him?

I thought you said he is having a hard time dealing with the fight you had but you dont think his feelings are accurate?

Im reading alot about you in this but not much about him. Imo I think your rushing to fix the marriage without really doing the work to fix yourselves. I feel you will find your self right back here if you dont slow down, think and feel. Also this is about him as well. Give him the time to think and feel.

Can things really be forgotten and forgiven in a weeks time?

[SParker]

I am reevaluating things, but to be fair, this hasn't been just over a week's time. The fight happened a month ago. Much has happened since although I realize that a month is not that long in the scheme of things. I do acknowledge that I have been feeling like pushing my agenda a bit and need to work more on that.

I don't feel like my sitch fits most of the molds here because, H wants our M to work as well. This is not some delusion on my part, unless I'm hearing his voice explain how much he loves me & wants our M while he isn't actually saying anything! Last time I checked, I didn't hear voices that weren't there so I think I'm okay there. I'm not looking for a pecking order on this site, I just want to make things better for my M. I don't care who joined 1 day ago or 10 yrs. ago. There has been good advice, then there has been well meant advice by people basing everything on their own sitch. I get that it is easy to do when you're so involved in personal problems, you view everything through your perspective that is obtained from your own sitch. I believe that's why they say to take the advice that you believe makes since for you on here.

I love the encouragement of this site! I need most of the tips I've been offered and have much work to do! (As I will for the rest of my life.)

I don't know how else to respond right now. Not sure why my words have stirred up such a hornet's nest here!

I hope you all have a great day!

[roist]

From observation, the harder people are on newcomers here, the more they need to be listened to. They have a lit more experience than us and generally their advice is good.

I imagine two points set up the warning flag. Firstly the speed of turning things around. Often (not always) if too quick it is not real and hence does not last. You have admitted you still have a lit of work to do. That is good. h does too.

Secondly ye have been separated on and off most of the year. So the issue is not one blow-up.

Whereas the most fundamental part of this is to do what works and you are best placed to judge that, the people here understand R dynamics etc and should be considered seriously.

You can do this.

[SParker]

I agree on all points, Roiste!

The physical blow-up was the result of not resolving all of the emotional and verbal ones which have been building for years.

Things are turning around because I have changed the way I'm handling them. I think this is key. I try to accept H's viewpoint as his reality, while keeping my mind in a more logical one. He has shown more doctrinal differences lately regarding M and our faith. I am relying on God to straighten him out on those. It is painful watching him try to justify what he feels by corrupting our religion, but I have no control over that & refuse to get caught up in it. I only give proof of what I believe when he says he wants to understand.

I feel like I'm at a better place since starting to work on myself. I don't get drug into arguments any longer. I have recently had to walk away once while taking a walk together. (Breathing deeply to stave off a panic attack!) Before, I would have just blurted out what I was thinking and how he's wrong. Even after being confronted with very negative time spent together, I resumed showing him positivity and that 'the floor was not going to drop out from underneath' so to speak.

As far as making the changes last, all I can do is keep working on them. I don't think there is a set goal-line of sorts. I'll never really get to where I want to be, but I have to accept where I'm at and go from there. So far, lack of patience is my greatest challenge! I'm sure there will be more and I will meet them in time.

[SParker]

I feel like we had a major breakthrough tonight! My H and I went shopping after our 'The Art of Marriage' study tonight at a local church. He starting on his usual detaching-mode and panicking because it was getting late and he still had a lot of work to do at the shop. I felt all of the old stressors come back; feeling blamed, unloved, unwanted, ect. He sensed that I was upset in the vehicle when we were leaving. He gave me a blanket apology for stressing out and explained what work he had to get done. That's when I felt everything welling up inside of me! I calmly told him exactly how I feel when he does this and how it's felt for years now. Then, how I feel if the kids are involved instead of it just being me affected. I let him know this is a big source of my frustration, feeling unloved, then anger. He completely 'got it' and thanked me for telling him. After we got back, he apologized extensively and voiced his regret.

Wow! I didn't even know I had that trigger to 'acting out' my deep-seated feelings on him. Now that I've learned to voice them instead of reacting, it's a completely positive thing for us! He was unaware that this was happening, and promised to work on it whole-heartedly! What a difference!

I feel like I have the most wonderful H on Earth again! We had a little conflict the other night as well. He could tell I was not as at ease with him and asked me to sit down and talk it out. I did and we became even closer! I had just asked him one time before if he could nicely ask me to sit and talk if something was going on & he actually did it! We were respectful and loving to each other and talked through it very well! (I honestly can't even remember what the problem was now.)

We are now drawing closer that we have been since shortly after we moved in together! This is working, we just have to keep up the work now. I have planned a Retrouvaille weekend this winter, we'll see if he's willing to go.

Still need to work on setting new marriage goals... he agreed to them all the first week. And for personal goals, I have to continue working on the ones I have until perfected. Then, we'll see what else I can do to improve.

H is still living at the shop, but has expressed for over a week, (since our romantic picnic ) that he misses being at home. He wants to make sure it doesn't backfire again, as do I. The kids have been through enough! (And so have we.)

I hope everyone reading this has a blessed week and keep your chin up!

[Missmeg]

SParker are you still around? Haven't heard from you and I am missing your updates. Hope and pray all is well with you.